Grief Waves

I have not been functioning well lately. Second guessing my decision to start this office. I am making simple mistakes I haven't made since I started in this business. Wondering if this is where God wants me. I just keep praying. Friday was pretty bad. I had an overwhelming desire to email him, text him, call him. But I am certain he is much better off not hearing from me. I have been contemplating not working at all. Adjusting the budget, tightening the belt and just not worrying about it until the end. Like Scarlett, saying "I'll worry about that tomorrow". Then I was alone Saturday. Woke up, had some coffee, got dressed. Then wandered through the quiet house. And as I wandered, thoughts and memories surrounded my mind. Then the wave hit. Has been a long, long while since I have grieved that hard. I got his coat out of the drawer and just hugged it to my chest. Looked at pictures of him. Oh how I miss him. This is the season of his sickness and his death. Was just looking at a sales paper full of Christmas things. And I thought to myself "It's here again". It is hard not to go back in time and relive these days. But I realized as I was grieving if I did not have the little office to go to, the clients to worry over, the policies to work on, that is exactly what I would do. Grieve everyday. Oh sure. There are lots of things to be done around the house but chances are, if I stayed home, most of my days would be spent sitting, crying, trying to live in the past. That is why I have loved this job so much. For what it is has given me. I wish he knew that. So I will keep going. Try to get my thoughts straight. Try to stop second guessing myself. And just try to keep my head above the waves.