Quiet

It seems so much more quiet. No noise from the tv or a zombie computer game, or car engines revving in the garage or laughter as Michael & his Dad play wrestle. Too quiet. I long for the phone to ring but when it finally does I do not want to talk. It is not the person I wish it were. So many things to do still & no motivation to do it. I wish this stupid snow would melt. I long for spring. Then I wonder how will I face all the things of spring without him. I still feel lost. I want to go back in time. If only. I have the task of ordering his headstone very soon. So it can be placed soon. Everytime I go there & see his name in black letters on the small sign from the funeral home it just doesn't seem real. I always loved his name. He told me once a long time ago he didn't like his name. Because it didn't do anything. It just sat there. I miss him so much.

Too Sad??????

How can I get too sad if I watch home movies & look at pictures of my deceased husband? I don't even understand what too sad means. I am already WAYYYYYYYYY past "too sad". I am too sad every time I go to the grocery store & see the foods I used to buy him. I am too sad when I go to a department store & see clothes I would have bought him. I am too sad when I drive on the same road we drove on together. Which by the way is every road. I am too sad when I am in our home. I am too sad when I am away from our home. I am too sad when I drive his vehicle. I am too sad when I look at his vehicle. Tell me please what I CAN DO that I WON'T be TOO SAD???? 11 weeks ago at exactly this time he was on the floor in our livingroom as paramedics were trying to revive him. He was already gone. I was screaming, crying, praying, begging God to please not take my husband away. Oh I miss you Ted & I am more than too sad without you.

Do I care about your happiness?

I know it sounds awful & I actually feel bad but I really don't care to hear about your good fortune. Whether it's a winnings from a casino, an unexpected trip from your husband or a new fricking love in your life! Why do people think I want to hear about it? My husband is DEAD! I deal with crap every day regarding his death. Today I had to spend time on the phone with paypal to get his account closed & his funds in his account sent to me. It is just one more reminder that he is gone. I do not have good fortunes right now. I do not want to hear about yours. Sorry if this makes me rude & insensitive. But I think I have a right to feel this way. I miss him so much.

Melted snow

The yard is almost completely empty of snow. The grass is visible & there are huge puddles everywhere. I walk around looking for something. Maybe something he dropped in the yard back in October or November. Just something. Went to the library yesterday. I started crying thinking of all the times I took Michael to story time & Ted was always there at home when we got back. He wasn't home when we got back yesterday. It makes me so sad. I just wish he was here physically. Everyday I wish this. I miss my husband.

13th anniversary

It was 13 years ago today when I heard a knock on my door. I had no idea that knock would be the start of a wonderful life with my soul mate. It just was supposed to last longer. I was going to wash his glass today. I carried it in the kitchen & made it to the dishwasher but just couldn't bring myself to put it in there. So I wrapped it up and put it away in a drawer. I feel like it was a huge step for me. I still wish he was here to drink from that glass and it still hurts every second of the day. But his glass is gone.

Where/Who am I?

I just can't take much more. The screaming and crying are beginning to make my throat burn. I wasn't able to go to the cemetary today as I do everyday M-F. The stupid door latch on the car wouldn't work so I had to drive all the way home from the school holding the door closed. I tried fixing it like I did before but it would not work. I came in the house & fell on the floor screaming. Using cuss words I have not used or said in 10 years. I just hate who I am. I hate where I am. Where exactly am I? I don't know where to turn. Who to call. So many things. I am neglecting everything. I moved the kitchen table around thinking it might help if it was different. All it did was let a rush of memories come flooding in of all the dinners we had all 3 together when the table was like that. We were predictable. We all had our own place we sat at. Predictable was good. I knew what he wanted before he even said anything. I knew when he called me by a certain name what kind of mood he was in. I miss him so bad. I just keep repeating the same thing over & over. I WANT HIM TO COME HOME!