Burning eyes

Today has been bad. I have been crying so much today my eyes are starting to burn. I sometimes feel like I am going to go crazy as I am crying and screaming. I know I will not understand why my husband had to die while I am on this earth and I may never know. But it doesn't stop me from screaming & begging God to just tell me why? I miss so much I can't stand it. I am trying to continue on through the grief as I am supposed to do but I feel those panic/anxiety attacks just below the surface. Waiting to burst forth. I am afraid if I get them again it will be worse than it was. What I wouldn't give just to see his face. To have him hug me. Oh how I miss him. 4 months and 2 days into this nightmare. I really don't see any light at this point. I just want him home.

Existing

I was driving home from errands today and thinking. I am no longer living. I am existing and functioning. I never really thought there could be a difference. Until now. Sure I smile, or laugh sometimes, continue to take care of my home, vehicles, finances, etc. But that's all on the outside. It's not inside. I have a new part time job that requires me to interact with the public. I appear nice and friendly. But when I get home and through my door, the tears just flood out. I was pumping gas a week or so ago and I remember standing there thinking how the sun was shining so brightly, the air was spring time warm and I felt nothing. I noticed but didn't feel. The thought came into my mind that a year ago if I would have been doing the exact same thing with the exact same kind of weather conditions I would have felt uplifted, excited for spring and summer. That kind of a morning would have put me in a happy mood. I wonder if I will ever feel like that again?
I did run out of gas today. For the first time ever in my life. I know how far I can go on E but for some reason today the car decided to pull a fast one on me & change. Now Ted was ALWAYS running out of gas. I can't count how many times I would get a call. "Can you bring the gas can to such & such road?" I never understood how he managed this. He made life so exciting & fun! I ran errands today & was going to get gas while I was out but decided it was cheaper at the station near my house so I headed towards home & all of a sudden sputter sputter. Well I think Ted was there watching out for me because it ran out just as I was nearing my street so I turned & made it all the way into my driveway. Where I got out, went into the garage, got one of his many gas cans, put some in the car & then went up to the gas station. I had to smile & tell him thank you. I love you Ted.