Empty

I feel so empty. Void. I am functioning. Doing things automatically. I may smile. I may laugh. But deep down inside I am just empty. I want to feel again. I want to feel like there is a point to life. I don't know how to make a new life without him. How do you go on? I feel as if life and our routine is the same. I think I want change. But I am terrified of change. No one gets it. I am not being selfish when I say I want to die. Part of me has died. People really really do not understand the depth and connection of what my husband and I shared. I could never harm myself. But I have a right to feel as if I don't want to exist anymore. I want to be better for my family. My little boy. I just don't know how. I miss him. The very depths of my soul just can't take it anymore. I feel so panicky today. Anxiety. I want to run but I don't know where. I want to.... I don't know what I want. It changes from one second to the next. I pray. I beg God to help me. I know I am not the first person to ever lose a spouse. I don't want to live the rest of my life in such a sorrowful state. I just can't climb out of this hole. I can't breathe when I think of him sitting in the chair, dying. I don't want to think of it but I know I must. I just want my husband to come home.