Crazy Train

That is how I feel. So many thoughts running through my head. I want to be a better mom. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want this grief anymore. But it's mine. It belongs only to me. Ted can have it back. If he was here right now I would be letting him have it! That's not really true. I would beg him to hold me. Just hold me. My mind is screaming. Is the pain I feel in my chest as I sit on the floor & pound my fists into anything the same pain he felt as he sat in my chair dying? I can't breathe. I have not one single person in my life that I feel like I can call late at night as my body is curled into a ball and the tears pour out of my eyes. Why? It has been a year. Shouldn't I feel a bit better? I feel madness. I try to go through the day to day routine. I smile. People say how are you? I say I'm getting by. Fake. Its all fake. If I felt like they really wanted to know I would tell them. How can you tell them when its a short brief conversation in passing? Crazy. That's how it goes.I'm going off the rails on the crazy train. I just want to be healed. I pray & beg God to help me. I just want my life back. I feel like a complainer. So many others have it worse than me. So how do I get through this god awful grief? When all I want is to stop feeling. Anything. Except his love. I would give anything to touch his face. Just to touch him. See him smile and look at me the way he used to.

One Year

It is so very hard to believe he has been gone for one whole year. I still feel like he could walk in the door at any moment. His coat & boots are right where he left them. His wallet & change still sit on his dresser. I pull out his clothes once in awhile to smell or just breathe in the faint traces of him. Yesterday was harder than today because it was a Friday. He died on a Friday. So my son & I made cupcakes & took to our local fire department. It was very healing for me because I think I have held a grudge against the paramedics/firemen that came that night. Feeling as if they didn't get there fast enough. I felt a sense of renewing wash over me as I hugged the 2 firemen that were on duty last night. They weren't the same ones but it didn't matter. They said they would make sure those 2 firemen got the card & tell them we came by. They let my son climb in the trucks & ambulance & they let me talk. It was good. I miss him so very much. So tonight we will mark this date with a celebration of his life. I hope many people will be here to remember him with us. I can't help but think of tomorrow also. Now that my year of firsts are over, what next? I see a long tiring road ahead of me. I miss you & love you my husband Ted.

Our Christmas Tree

Our first Christmas together was in 1998. All I did, he says was complain about the pine needles from the real tree. So a few days after I took the tree down, him & I went to Sears and he bought a 7 ft beautiful artificial tree for $35. We have used it every year & it looks a little thinner & the bottom branches have been chewed by our cat. Last year I put our tree up on Thanksgiving night. I had been secretly wanting a new one. One that was pre lit and came in 3 pieces instead of 150. But I put our 11 year old tree up and decided it would be the last time. After Christmas I would get us a new one. Everything was on the tree but it needed to be moved back more so I began scooting the already broken and old plastic flimsy tree stand. Well, the next thing you know, the tree began to fall. I began to yell as I was holding it up. Almost crying I asked Ted what we were going to do. He was tired from Thanksgiving dinner & the drives to all our family members, but he told me to lift the tree up as he took the stand out of the pole & sat the pole in his work boot. He quietly got his coat & shoes on & took the stand out to the garage as our son followed him in his pajamas. While I sat down at the computer trying to find a tree stand or a tree on craigslist on Thanksgiving night. They came in from the garage a while later with the tree stand fixed and he had me lift the tree up while he put it back in the stand. I never looked at it to see how he fixed it. That's how he was though. He could repair just about anything. So I pulled out the tree this year and as I pulled out the stand I cried. I got to look at how he fixed it with a piece of a hanger. I miss him so much. I would give anything to spend even a few minutes with him. I love you Ted.