Crazy Train

That is how I feel. So many thoughts running through my head. I want to be a better mom. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want this grief anymore. But it's mine. It belongs only to me. Ted can have it back. If he was here right now I would be letting him have it! That's not really true. I would beg him to hold me. Just hold me. My mind is screaming. Is the pain I feel in my chest as I sit on the floor & pound my fists into anything the same pain he felt as he sat in my chair dying? I can't breathe. I have not one single person in my life that I feel like I can call late at night as my body is curled into a ball and the tears pour out of my eyes. Why? It has been a year. Shouldn't I feel a bit better? I feel madness. I try to go through the day to day routine. I smile. People say how are you? I say I'm getting by. Fake. Its all fake. If I felt like they really wanted to know I would tell them. How can you tell them when its a short brief conversation in passing? Crazy. That's how it goes.I'm going off the rails on the crazy train. I just want to be healed. I pray & beg God to help me. I just want my life back. I feel like a complainer. So many others have it worse than me. So how do I get through this god awful grief? When all I want is to stop feeling. Anything. Except his love. I would give anything to touch his face. Just to touch him. See him smile and look at me the way he used to.

One Year

It is so very hard to believe he has been gone for one whole year. I still feel like he could walk in the door at any moment. His coat & boots are right where he left them. His wallet & change still sit on his dresser. I pull out his clothes once in awhile to smell or just breathe in the faint traces of him. Yesterday was harder than today because it was a Friday. He died on a Friday. So my son & I made cupcakes & took to our local fire department. It was very healing for me because I think I have held a grudge against the paramedics/firemen that came that night. Feeling as if they didn't get there fast enough. I felt a sense of renewing wash over me as I hugged the 2 firemen that were on duty last night. They weren't the same ones but it didn't matter. They said they would make sure those 2 firemen got the card & tell them we came by. They let my son climb in the trucks & ambulance & they let me talk. It was good. I miss him so very much. So tonight we will mark this date with a celebration of his life. I hope many people will be here to remember him with us. I can't help but think of tomorrow also. Now that my year of firsts are over, what next? I see a long tiring road ahead of me. I miss you & love you my husband Ted.

Our Christmas Tree

Our first Christmas together was in 1998. All I did, he says was complain about the pine needles from the real tree. So a few days after I took the tree down, him & I went to Sears and he bought a 7 ft beautiful artificial tree for $35. We have used it every year & it looks a little thinner & the bottom branches have been chewed by our cat. Last year I put our tree up on Thanksgiving night. I had been secretly wanting a new one. One that was pre lit and came in 3 pieces instead of 150. But I put our 11 year old tree up and decided it would be the last time. After Christmas I would get us a new one. Everything was on the tree but it needed to be moved back more so I began scooting the already broken and old plastic flimsy tree stand. Well, the next thing you know, the tree began to fall. I began to yell as I was holding it up. Almost crying I asked Ted what we were going to do. He was tired from Thanksgiving dinner & the drives to all our family members, but he told me to lift the tree up as he took the stand out of the pole & sat the pole in his work boot. He quietly got his coat & shoes on & took the stand out to the garage as our son followed him in his pajamas. While I sat down at the computer trying to find a tree stand or a tree on craigslist on Thanksgiving night. They came in from the garage a while later with the tree stand fixed and he had me lift the tree up while he put it back in the stand. I never looked at it to see how he fixed it. That's how he was though. He could repair just about anything. So I pulled out the tree this year and as I pulled out the stand I cried. I got to look at how he fixed it with a piece of a hanger. I miss him so much. I would give anything to spend even a few minutes with him. I love you Ted.

When it's quiet in the night

The best time to be in his garage is in the night time. When it's dark outside. There are no noises. Just quiet & stillness. I walk around. Looking at the things he collected. Pulling out the drawers of his tool boxes. Touching the tools he once touched and used. I cry of course. But I feel so close to him. I breathe deeply of the scent of him. A scent that always had a trace of oil or gas. I miss him. I pulled out the stupid funeral home bag for something tonight and started looking at the pictures of the flowers people sent. I began to cry. I remember people pushing me to take the flowers home. I wanted nothing to do with them. None of them. Although they were beautiful arrangements. They were like poison to me. Like some kind of leprosy. I still can't grasp sometimes that he is gone. I smell his jacket hanging by the back door. Almost one year later, everything remains the same. Not much has been moved. I feel like he still lives here. And I like that. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. But I know I will see him again.

It's Almost Here

Our anniversary. Or would be 12 year anniversary is right around the corner. The one year mark is right after that. I have not had any dreams of him in awhile. None that I can remember. I am crying so much more. I am barely holding on to my faith. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. Why is he not here and so many other people are? These are the questions that might never be answered. I miss holding his hand. I miss the feeling of his love. I am tired of holding everything together and figuring everything out and being mom and dad. I want him to be here to help me. I want to see him. I want to hear him. Talk. Snore. Laugh. Yell. A year ago today he was in the hospital. Being pumped full of medicine. Trying to get the fluid off. He did not want to be there but he finally knew how serious it was. I remember laying in bed those first couple nights at home alone. Crying and praying. Asking God to heal him because I couldn't live without him. Guess I was wrong. Here it is almost 11 months with him gone and I am still alive physically. I miss him. He was my soul mate. He was the dream I had for so long.

feeling sorry for everything

Its amazing to me my son has 4 adult men in our family and not one of them can step up and make a commitment to him to come spend one day with him every couple weeks. I understand people have lives and things. Important things. But my son lost the most important man in his life and wouldn't it be best for a close family member to come and try to fill a small bit of that void for him. No. Instead I have to contact Big Brothers Big Sisters to try and match him up with a total stranger. I just feel so angry about that. No one asks me to do anything anymore. Found out some relatives are going to a festival. No one even thought to say "Hey, ya wanna come?" Then when I invite people somewhere they all say No. I have plans already. Im tired of being starved for company. Yes. I still get sad, depressed, upset, cry. But that doesnt mean I dont want to go do something once in awhile with someone other than my parents. I feel like people have just forgotten him already. People ask to buy his things. That started a month or so after he died. I don't get people. Was I like that before he died? So insensitive to others feelings? I just want things to go back to the way they were.

Beautiful

Someone at church tonight sang this beautiful song called By Your Side. It made me cry as I remembered how I "fell in the dead of night" just last night. It was My Lord & Saviour that got me through it.
">

Who's Voice Is That?

Had a very bad night last night. The kind where I am crying so hard I get scared because I don't even recognize my own voice. The sobs and screams sound like they belong to another person. It started because I want my 3 chickens back. I was told I couldn't have them because a neighbor complained & they are not allowed in my area. I intend to fight it but all I could picture was my poor 3 chickens who have only known our safe, large coop since they were babies. Locked up in a strange, small place. It feels so empty without them. I feel like I have suffered enough loss. The loss of my husband, the loss of friends, the loss of normalcy. Everything is so busy it feels as if there is not enough time. I still have moments of " Where is he? Is he really dead? How can he be dead?" Last night was bad. Hitting the pillow, feeling like I could hurt myself. Trying to be quiet so I don't wake my precious little boy. Needing to talk to someone. An idea did occur to me. There needs to be a thing like Widow Buddies. Where you get matched up with another widow of similar age, etc. except they will be in a totally different time zone. So you can call them at 1am & not worry about waking them up. As I sat crying I had absolutely no one to call. Everyone was sleeping & I can not bring myself to call & wake someone up. Even though I felt as if my heart was going to stop because my chest hurt so darn bad. So that just makes me even more lonely. If only he were here. So I did what I always do. Began to pray. Begging God to please stop my pain. Let me get my 3 chickens back. Give me the wisdom to help my little boy as he grieves. Just please hold me. Amen.

School starting

Boy where does the time go? How did we get here already? Made it through a vacation without him. Probably helped that I had my parents with us. My son & daughter-in-law with us. And my 5 wonderful grand children with us. It was a great time. Ted never cared too much for going away & doing nothing. He felt if he were going to do nothing he would rather do nothing at home. But I was missing him the day we got to the house we were renting for a week. It was evening and as I was moving beds together for the kids, I was feeling my loss. And then as I moved the bed again, there on the floor was a penny. I knew he was with me. I have been finding pennies for several months now. There was a period of time from when we first met until we actually started dating. 6 years actually. I used to pick up pennies & wish on them. He was always my wish. After we started dating I no longer picked up pennies. I find them now. Not all the time. And not in very obvious places. The first one I found was in front of our garage after all the snow melted. I had shoveled the spot many times thru out the winter right down to the cement. And no one was allowed to be near the garage at the time (fellow widows understand this). I keep all the pennies I find & write down where I found them. They bring me comfort. So I felt like he was right there with me on that vacation. So school is right around the corner & my little boy is actually excited to go for the first time ever. It makes me glad to see him excited.

8 months

It didn't even occur to me that it was 8 months today until I was at the bank getting a certified check to pay the balance on the funeral and I wrote the date wrong on the withdraw slip. I wrote Aug. 10, 2010. I stopped & thought for a second "the 10th is significant" Then it hit me. 8 months exactly. Is this progress that I forgot for a moment? I have not had any real lows in about a week. I feel kind of numb sometimes. There is just so much to do and so many decisions to be made lately I don't have time to let myself cry. I worry I am not facing it though. I don't want to wake up next year and realize I have done no real grief work. I still think about him. I still miss him. I still cry everyday but its brief. 8 months ago it was cold outside. I was getting ready to come home from babysitting the grandkids. Him & Michael were waiting for me at home with Subway. The house was decorated for Christmas. Its hard to put myself back to that time I think because it is a whole different season. I don't know. I just know my life and my families life changed in a matter of seconds. Ted I miss you and love you so much.

Big Black Emptiness

I do not understand what is wrong. I am 7 & 1/2 months out & I thought I was supposed to be getting better. Better at the grief. Better at being a mom. Better at everything. Instead I feel like I am falling into a big black hole of emptiness. I cry all the time. I find no joy in anything. My little boy said to me the other day " All you ever say is you don't feel good". I am so terrified of getting stuck in my grief. I don't want to be a family of 2. I want to be a family of 3! I want to be held. I want to be loved by someone that loves me so much they overlook all my faults. I want to be looked at the way he looked at me. I want to see the beauty in the world around me again. I want this all consuming grief to just go away. It hurts day & night. Every second. I look at his picture & I cry. I think about him & cry. I think about what we had & I cry. I want to be a wife. I want to give my love to my husband. I feel so alone. So crappy. I just want things to be the same.

In the darkness of the night

I never know when the hardest grief will hit me. As the other day on my way to work, an ambulance raced passed me. Then a van passed me, trying to keep up with the ambulance. I immediately said a prayer. Then images of a snowy night in December filled my mind. In my dad's truck. Trying to keep up with the ambulance that had my husbands lifeless body inside. I assume they were still doing cpr. I began crying there on my way to work. Thankfully I was given a message right away by our song coming on the radio that helped me calm down. Then there are other times like last night. As the outside world is dark and quiet. Most are sleeping. I sit on the floor in my living room rocking back and forth. Trying to scream quietly so I don't wake my son. Asking the same question, "Why?" Begging for the same thing "Let him come home".
I got scared last night thinking I might have a heart attack. Pain gripped my chest and all I could think was "This is what dying of a broken heart would feel like". I am so sad and so empty. I have a wonderful family, with grand children here all the time. I have a delightful son. But that emptiness remains. And continues to hurt.

Is This Real?

I am blessed enough to have a job in a rural town. So when I need to go to the post office I lock the door & walk down the street to get the company mail. As I was walking down there today I had the old suffocating feeling start coming in. And my mind began to try and comprehend the thought "How am I able to be walking down this sidewalk and he is gone. Not here. He is not at the store. He is not at work. He is not even in another state or country. He isn't here. Completely gone." This has happened to me many many other times and I think my brain only allows me to try and comprehend it for a while and then it moves on because I just still can't grasp this fact. I know he is gone but to really think about it is so very hard. Over 7 months later and I still have a hard time believing it is real. Will this ever sink in?

What would he do without her?

A year ago my husband came home with a little 8 week old female chocolate lab. I was angry because we already had a 5 year old male boxer and I did not feel like messing with training a puppy. He told me he heard me tell my grandma I was jealous of a cousin who had a female yellow lab because I always wanted one. He said his wife should never have to be jealous and all he could find was a chocolate. Well the pet store would not take her back so I had no choice but to keep her. I clearly see depression in my boxer's eyes now that my husband is gone. When the garage door is opened he runs outside everytime looking at the road. Then he goes and lays down in the garage. He spent a lot of time in there with my husband. I believe he still waits for him to come home. I was watching him play with our lab tonight and I think he would be lost without her. His depression would probably be worse than it is. So once again I am assured that God knows what He is doing. He knew I would not have the mental ability to give my boxer the attention he needed so a little playmate came into the picture. At the time I saw it as a hinderance. Today I am very protective of my little girl Mabel.

What's an extra $9?

I had to go buy a battery for my vehicle today. I had someone help me find the right one and when I went to pay for it they wanted an extra $9 for the core charge. I asked them why they would need that when I was paying $95 for a new battery. They said I could bring my old battery in anytime and get refunded. So of course I started crying. He took care of crap like this. I haven't had to worry about car stuff in 13 years! I refused of course and went home with no battery and decided I will worry about it another day. When I can focus. Which might be never.

I just want to run but where?

I get panic attacks out of the blue sometimes for a reason & sometimes not. I just start feeling like I can't breathe and like I need to go away. Far away from my home home, my neighborhood, my family, my life. Then I just start crying because if he were here I would not be feeling like this. I accomplished nothing today and that makes me feel even worse. Is this how the rest of my life will be like?

So tired of being so tired

I just don't know how much more I can take. I sat on the floor yesterday crying and screaming and pounding the wall as I hugged his boot to my chest. I was thinking today that I need to remind God I already did this alone, no husband, raising a child thing for about 8 years. I am not supposed to be doing it again. I can't believe how fricking lonely I am! And not for anything physical. I miss being part of him. Of a couple. I miss having him here in the house. I HATE this! I just want it to end. I have absolutely no one I can reach out to. When I do they don't answer the phone or they are busy & will call me back. And besides it's not the same. What do I do? How do I go through this? I have to drag my son to counseling tonight & he hates it & frankly so do I. I just want to go back to the way things were. I don't want to do this again. I feel like I have just took 5 steps backward. I wanted to be married to my husband ever since the day I met him. I know I should feel blessed I got 12 years with him. I just want more.

Keeping Busy

Lots of people told me at the funeral to keep busy. It still applies over 6 months later. I can't stand weekends. The days go so slow. I started crying today as my little boy was outside in the chicken coop and as the crying got worse I decided to just go outside and wash the car. I was still sad as I washed but it did keep me busy for a little while. I miss him. I miss laying down with him on a Sunday afternoon to take a nap. I open the garage door everyday just so I can feel like he is out there. When does this end? I don't think it will ever end. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss hearing him talk back. I miss being part of us. So here I am crying again as I type this. I have no one to call. No one to talk to. People have their own families. People are busy. People are sick. Was I too busy for other people before? I hope not. I washed dishes. I swept the floors. I did the laundry. I am running out of things to keep busy with. If he was here I would be letting those things go. I look at the sky all the time trying to find him. I never see him though. It is so hard to think that he is so close yet so far away. I just still want him home.

My old life for just a little while

So I have this car in my garage that needed a motor. I finally found someone to put it in. A good friend of my husbands. He is using our garage & my husbands tools. my son is helping him. The last few weeks when he is out there I can almost feel like it used to be. Then today as he was here & my son was out there with him. My husbands best buddy as our little boy used to call him pulled in & went out in the garage to hang out for a bit. That was a common scene on any day of the week. To drive by our house and see several cars in the driveway, guys hanging out in the garage. It's been nice to hear the occasional clanging of tools. It just hit me today that I am not looking forward to when the car is finished.

Dragging by

No matter how busy I try to stay, there is still so much time that drags by that all i can do is think about how much I miss him. I remember at the funeral people telling me to stay busy. I guess this is the time that I should stay busy. Sometimes there just isn't anything left to do. So I sit and think about him. How he looked. How he talked. How he smelled. And I grieve. I guess this is what I am supposed to do. It takes so much energy though. If he were here right this very minute he would be in his garage working on a car. I might not be talking to him but I would be able to hear the sounds coming from the garage.
So I am making a memorial book for our son. I have written to everyone that came to the funeral and asked them to write down memories they have of him. I think I will pay to have it published. They are slowly tricking in through the mail and I love reading them. What other people remember of him. Or something he said. It keeps him alive. Oh how I miss him!

Storm is coming

I sat on the porch this evening feeling the cool breezes every now & then as the sky grew dark and clouds rolled in. It's funny how everything looks the same but looks different at the same time. I see my husband so clearly still even over 6 months out. I see him walking across the yard. I see him laying under a car. I see him sitting on a tire fixing brakes. I'm glad I can still see him. I hope I can see him this clearly for the rest of my life.

Autopsy

It came in the mail today. The envelope was addressed to MS. I scribbled it out. I am still a Mrs. That is how I feel. I let it sit on the counter for awhile. Everything I read from fellow widows said Do Not Read it Alone if at all. Most everyone regretted reading it. So I eventually opened it. All I read was the first page. He died from Dilated Cardiomyopathy. His poor little heart weighed 800 grams. It said "very enlarged". It also said it deemed it be to be natural causes. I then folded it up, put in back in the envelope & put it in the funeral home bag & put that back in the closet. Now I am crying because it just isn't fair. I sit here now & listen to our precious son playing outside & he is supposed to be here! I don't want to do this anymore. I am tired! I just want to rest!I just want him home!
I have been dreaming and looking for a home with more property for us for the last 4 years. I actually have a chance to get it now and I don't know what to do. He was supposed to be here to enjoy it with us. I miss him. I just miss my husband!

A Glimmer

I actually had a glimmer today. Of a future. And maybe the contentment I once had. I was at work and a customer came by to show my boss his new Harley Davidson Road King he purchased about a week ago. I was the one who changed his policy and sent him his proofs. So I walked outside with him and my boss and told him what a beautiful bike it was and exclaimed over this & that. They went inside in the back office and I got ready to leave. My boss has a prayer with me each morning before we start work and each afternoon before I leave. It was my turn to pray so I did. As I walked out the door I could hear them talking about guns and I looked at his bike sitting in the parking lot. The little bench by our door. The flowers planted in the flower boxes. The little town that surrounds my work. And I actually had a fleeting thought of myself, older, sitting with clients I know. Chatting about this or that. I was actually grateful for the little town I am blessed to live in and work in. Although the feeling was fleeting, it was nice while it lasted.

I hurt

I sit here today, as the kids play outside, on a beautiful summer day, crying. I look at his picture and I just can't breathe. I miss him so much my chest hurts. My stomach hurts. My face hurts. I need him. I need him so much. Just to be sitting in another room. I don't care. Even if he is out in the garage. Just to be here, breathing with me. I can't do this for another 5, 10 or 40 years without him. I don't want to. Am I supposed to never look at his pictures? I have to. I need to. Oh this is the worst pain I have ever felt. I miss you Ted. Please come home to me.

Adapting

I think the word adapt fits the best for me and what is going on in my life. I hate the phrases "moving on" "going forward" "new life", etc. I want my life to stay the same. As it was when he was here. But I realize it can't. So I feel like I am adapting. I'm not changing. I'm not moving forward. I'm not creating a new life. I am making things in my life fit together by modification. 6 months have passed and I still hate the way things are. I still cry and try to wish him home. I still ache inside so bad it feels like my heart will explode. I still sleep with his not washed pajama shorts under my pillow. Oh how I miss him!

It's Ready

After waiting six long months. After calling several times a week. Only to hear "It's still pending". His autopsy is finished. I wasn't expecting it to be. It took me by surprise and gave me a sick feeling in my stomach when he said "If you want a copy you need to...". I have just been feeling sick and panicky ever since. Why? I don't know. I still have such a hard time most days wrapping my brain around the fact that he is gone. When I start to think of the events of that night and how he looked sitting in the chair. How he looked laying on the floor as the EMT's cut his shirt open, I allow my mind to turn from it. Which I know is not healthy. I am just so tired of missing him. Of hurting for him. I just want to lay down and be with him. But I don't. Michael needs me. The grand kids need me. Jason & Tiffany need me. So I keep going. The next thing I am waiting for is his headstone to be placed. That will be the last thing. Why did this have to happen? I hang on to Isaiah 41:10.

Coaster Ride called Grief

Who knew a little piece of plastic would one day make me feel happy & sad at the same time. I finally applied & bought a health plan for myself. It was such a relief to finally get it and know if I get sick I am covered. When he was alive it didn't seem to matter much. But now that my child only has one of us left to depend on it seems very important. The card looks identical to the cards we had from his employer health plan. Then it hits me. The name on the card is mine. Not his. Like it always was before. He will never be on this plan with me. He isn't here anymore.
I hate weekends now. All around me neighbors are having parties. Families together. I still don't know why he had to die. Why such a good man. Such a good husband. Such a good father. I know I will not understand it in this lifetime. I feel so alone. But I know I am not. My Lord Jesus always picks me up after I get it all out. He dries my tears. He tells me I can go one more step. And I do.

Where are you?

A new job, new choices, decisions to be made without you. I sit here crying wondering Where are you? I seem to do ok for a few days, sometimes even a week. With few tears and actually thinking of other things. But something ALWAYS brings me back eventually. And then I just can't stand life anymore. I don't want to be here without you. You were supposed to be here when Michael finally got his chickens he's been begging us for the last 2 years! You were supposed to be here when we put up our pool we bought last year. The memories I have of us 3 swimming together. Such peaceful, quiet times. Who is going to play shark with him? Who is going to throw him up in the air & into the water? Where are you? I need you to come back home. I can't do this by myself. I'm so tired. Of that hollow, empty feeling inside that never leaves me.

Burning eyes

Today has been bad. I have been crying so much today my eyes are starting to burn. I sometimes feel like I am going to go crazy as I am crying and screaming. I know I will not understand why my husband had to die while I am on this earth and I may never know. But it doesn't stop me from screaming & begging God to just tell me why? I miss so much I can't stand it. I am trying to continue on through the grief as I am supposed to do but I feel those panic/anxiety attacks just below the surface. Waiting to burst forth. I am afraid if I get them again it will be worse than it was. What I wouldn't give just to see his face. To have him hug me. Oh how I miss him. 4 months and 2 days into this nightmare. I really don't see any light at this point. I just want him home.

Existing

I was driving home from errands today and thinking. I am no longer living. I am existing and functioning. I never really thought there could be a difference. Until now. Sure I smile, or laugh sometimes, continue to take care of my home, vehicles, finances, etc. But that's all on the outside. It's not inside. I have a new part time job that requires me to interact with the public. I appear nice and friendly. But when I get home and through my door, the tears just flood out. I was pumping gas a week or so ago and I remember standing there thinking how the sun was shining so brightly, the air was spring time warm and I felt nothing. I noticed but didn't feel. The thought came into my mind that a year ago if I would have been doing the exact same thing with the exact same kind of weather conditions I would have felt uplifted, excited for spring and summer. That kind of a morning would have put me in a happy mood. I wonder if I will ever feel like that again?
I did run out of gas today. For the first time ever in my life. I know how far I can go on E but for some reason today the car decided to pull a fast one on me & change. Now Ted was ALWAYS running out of gas. I can't count how many times I would get a call. "Can you bring the gas can to such & such road?" I never understood how he managed this. He made life so exciting & fun! I ran errands today & was going to get gas while I was out but decided it was cheaper at the station near my house so I headed towards home & all of a sudden sputter sputter. Well I think Ted was there watching out for me because it ran out just as I was nearing my street so I turned & made it all the way into my driveway. Where I got out, went into the garage, got one of his many gas cans, put some in the car & then went up to the gas station. I had to smile & tell him thank you. I love you Ted.

In the garage

I went out to the garage to cry. Michael gets sad now if he sees me cry and it bothers him he said. So I went out to the garage. It was his garage. It is all his things in there. I just hate this life I have. I want my old one back. I want him home here with me. It just isn't fair. Will I ever think otherwise? I feel so empty. I try to put on a smile and laugh for my sons, my grandchildren. But that is what it is. Fake. I feel nothing except a huge hole in my insides. I want to hit things. Throw things. I kicked the tire on a car while I was in the garage. I realized he had just that very day he died filled up his can of kerosene. And filled up his heater. They both sit there full. He will never use them. How do I keep going? How? Sometimes I feel like I could go crazy. When I see my little boy upset over his Daddy & frustrated, sometimes he will grab his hair or cheeks. I know just how he feels because I do the same. I just feel like I could cry forever & it would not be enough. We are both in counseling now so hopefully that will help some. In the meantime I just keep reminding myself to breathe.

It's the little things

I know I need to condense all the key rings. His two and my one. But I can't bring myself to do it. It seems like such a small thing. But it's not. It's huge for me. So I continue to carry two huge sets of keys in my purse. His cell phone. It is not needed. I have already recorded his voice mail greeting so it's on my computer. But I like to see it sitting on the desk. Where it usually sat because he always forgot it. His boots still sit at the back door where he left them. His jacket still hangs on the hook he put it on. The little things. Today was a crying hard day. Everyday is a crying day but I don't cry hard everyday like I did several weeks ago. So I cried hard a lot today. I still ask him to come home knowing he can't. He probably would not want to anyway. The pain is so intense sometimes. It feels like a ton of bricks sitting on your chest. Grief is heavy. I miss him so much. What I wouldn't give to just have his arms around me for a few brief minutes. I love you my soul mate Ted.

He died

After five long, intense, round the clock care days, Rocky the turtle died. Last night. I sat on the floor and cried. I watched him take his last breath. Just like I did my husband. I don't understand why this tiny little turtle could not have just lived. Michael got a box he had made for him a long time ago. He made clouds from cotton balls, green grass, a window for him to see out of. He would let him sit in this little box once in awhile just to have a change in scenery. So we are going to bury him in that. As I have been taking care of him I almost started to feel like I did before Ted died. Like I had a purpose. I miss taking care of my husband so much. I miss giving him medicine when he needs it, rubbing his feet, his back, going with him to doctor appointments. He could have done all this by himself. But I loved being with him. Helping him. I think he liked it too. I miss you Ted. 14 weeks ago today at this time, you and I were both here at home. Together. Alive.

Dying turtle and a memory box

Back in the summer Ted bought Michael two baby turtles. Not long after a mean neighbor kid "accidentally" crushed one with his knee. Ted was so mad and he was upset for Michael so he took Rocky to the store & they were able to "replace" his shell.The second turtle died from a dirty tank so Michael has been vigilant about making sure Rocky's tank is clean. Well this last Sunday Michael was playing with him & got distracted & Mabel the dog got him. So he has a puncture wound on the bottom of his shell & I stopped the bleeding & have been trying to nurse him back to health. He is still moving although its slow & his wound started bleeding again today. But I have seen him eat two times. I think he has a 50/50 chance. I just can't give up on him. I think because he is the special turtle that Ted got because he loves his little boy so much.
I ordered a memory box/temporary grave marker for his grave today. When I do things like this I still have a hard time. I can't help but think "Is this real? Did I really just place an order for a memory box for my Husband, Ted's GRAVE? This just has to be a dream". I wonder when I will stop having those thoughts.

What is a Doo-da?

When our first grandson was almost a year old we happened to be watching a movie. Surviving Christmas with Ben Affleck. It was very funny. But when the part came on where he introduces his rented Doo-da to his rented family, I said "That's it Ted! That's what the grandkids can call you! They need a Doo-da! I was already Gammy so Ted needed a name too. And that is what they have all called him all these years later. I miss you Doo-da!

A good mechanic is like a good husband....

Hard to find. I was so blessed to have both. Now he is gone. I wish I would have paid more attention all those years to exactly what he was doing under the hood. Maybe I could be saving myself hundreds of dollars now. I say "Ted, where or who should I trust to take care of the vehicles?" But the only obvious answer is him. And it just isn't going to happen.

3 months

3 months today. 3 months ago Ted, Nicholas & I got home from Michael's Christmas concert. I noticed that morning when Ted got up he looked much more tired than usual. As we were walking into the high school before the concert started he was much slower and kept having to stop. I told him to zip his coat. He got much colder from being on the blood thinners and his jacket was open. I kept getting irritated because we were late. Every time he stopped he would say "Just go on" But I said no. He was his usual joking self, teasing me, making some ladies in front of us laugh. Afterwards we saw our old neighbors who Ted still hung out with and helped work on their cars. When Don would call Michael would say "Daddy it's your best buddy". We came home & both of us went on our computers. I waited for Jason to call so I could take him to Sec. of State. I left around noon. I dropped Jason off around 1pm, called Ted & left him a message on his cell letting him know I was running errands. Ted was in the garage but came in the house & sometime while I was gone my Dad came over & visited him, then Jason came in & my Dad said they all three were laughing and talking. I came home around 3:30 and Ted was getting Jason's car off the trailer. Then Jason showed up to help but couldn't stay long because he had to work. I made sure Michael got off the bus & was home. I had to go babysit the grandkids and Ted asked what time I would be home because he and Michael were going to take care of dinner. So I said I would be home by 6pm. Which I was and they came in with Subway. I thought it was odd because I have never seen Ted eat subway. Ever. So we three got our plates and sat down in the livingroom. Michael wanted to watch Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs. But Ted & I wanted to watch something different. I suggested watching the movie Michael borrowed from my mom a while back. The Borrowers. As we ate Ted kept looking at me & askig if my food was good because he didn't know what to put on it. I was so hungry & I told him it was perfect. The phone rang at 7:45pm but we didn't get it in time. Michael got the phone & I saw it was the hospital in Toldeo. I told Ted he better call. So he did & they had no idea who it was that tried reaching him. So he hung up & I said there's a message. After listening to it we found out it was the Cardiac Rythym Specialist. He had read Teds holter monitor results and was very concerned because his heart rate was on average 114 beats per minute. He left his home phone number. So Ted called him. They discussed the results, his medication and the doctor felt it was due to the change in one of his meds by the other cardiologist and told him to not take his ssecond dose that night but to take his old medication. So he hung up and sat down. I got his pills and brought to him. We talked. He told me how scared he is. Even now after being on the pills & seeing doctors. He said he was still scared to lay down at night because of the fluid, scared to lift much of anything. I told him I know and that everything will be ok. I got up and kissed his head. The phone rang again at 8:22 and it was the hospital calling back to tell him who was trying to reach him. I heard Ted making jokes because he had the doctors home phone number and they didn't. Him and Michael went & sat back down. I went & sat at the kitchen table. I was going to refill his pill boxes like I did every Friday night. But they wanted me in there to finish watching the movie. The last thing I remember hearing Ted say was "5, 4, 3, " as he counted down the time until he started the movie again.He only got to 3 because I came in there & sat down. I remember feeling sleepy. I couldn't have been sitting there more than 5 minutes and I thought I heard him snoring. I looked over and he was just staring straight ahead with a blank look in his eyes even though they were open like there was no recognition there, I thought he was gasping. But I think his body was shutting down and it was the air left in his body escaping. I just know I panicked. Started screaming. Yelled for Michael to go get Angie our neighbor. The dogs began barking wildly as I screamed. I couldn't find the phone. Then I found it on the stool next to his chair. I called 911. I told her he was gasping. I asked if I should do CPR. She said no not if he was breathing. I remember she told me I needed to calm down. How do you do that when your husband is dying in front of you. At one point I opened the front door and screamed "Help Me". My neighbor's husband finally got there after what seemed an eternity. I remember trying to get the remote out of his hand and I couldn't move his fingers. My neighbor just kept saying "Hang on Ted. Don't leave us". I believe he took his last breath just as the police officer got in the house and they were getting ready to lay him on the floor. I wish so many times I would have just tried doing chest compressions.For some reason I could not bear to look at him laying there on our floor as they cut his shirt, got the paddles ready. I heard them say everyone clear. I was on the floor in the kitchen doorway screaming, crying, calling my parents. I think he took his last breath around 8:30pm. After they shocked him I looked at the little box and all I saw was a flat line. Somewhere in the very depths of my mind and heart I knew he was gone. The ambulance loaded him. Michael stayed with our neighbors. I rode with my Dad. The preacher and his wife were called earlier by my neighbors son & they followed us. Thank God. We went into "the little room" and we were all 4 praying. The doctor came in & I literally fell to the floor when he said "He was without a heartbeat for 55 minutes. We did all we could". I screamed & screamed. After awhile the preacher said "Sandy, they are waiting for you. Don't you want to see Ted? You can see your husband". Supported by the preachers wife I slowly walked back to the room where he was. He was already starting to get cold. He had a big tongue compressor in his mouth & gauze wrapped around his tongue. But I just rubbed his head like I have done thousands of times.Told him I love him. Told him I was sorry I could not help him. Begged God even then to just give me a miracle & let him live. Eventually his family came in, Jason came, Wendy came, people were crying, wanting to know what happened.
I feel odd today. I have been trying to cry. I cry just a tiny bit & then I just don't feel anything. I almost feel like I did for the first 2 weeks. Numb. I want to feel. I want to cry. I want to face it. I miss him so much. I have been doing a lot of crying & screaming & what the counselor calls "Grief Work" in the last 2 months so maybe my body & brain just need a rest today. What do I do without him? I still don't know 3 months later.

Cooking for two

It is so hard to actually cook anything but it makes it even harder now that it is just Michael & I. And I don't even actually cook. I only have recently been making things like mac & cheese, spagetti. Usually it is frozen pizza or soup. Which is fine with Michael. Tonight we are having baked potatos. Ted loved them and after he came home from the hospital it was the only thing that had 0 of all the things he should not have. So we ate them ALOT. If I didn't make them, when we sat down to eat he would say "Michael, do you know what would go really good with this? A baked potato!" After about the 4th time of saying this Michael started saying it. I miss him so much. I walk through the house and can almost see him in the rooms. I say "If Ted were home he would be doing...." I don't understand. I really don't. I will keep trusting God & try to remember He knows what is best. He knew Ted was the best for me at the time he came into my life. It doesn't take this horrendous pain away though. XOXO Ted!

So tired

I just don't want to do this anymore. He was supposed to be here. For all of this. Michael has always hated school but it is even worse now. Everyday he begs me to homeschool him. Imagine that! A little 3rd grader hating school this much. He says his row blames him if they don't get a point for something. Today at lunch & recess he had 2 people tell him at different times he was in the wrong line. He said he almost started to cry. Later the teacher told the class to line up & he wanted to get his crayon & another kid told him to get in line. Then there's the lunch aide who tells him almost everyday he is not allowed to sit at the finishing table to finish his lunch because he had plenty of time. He said she tells him "No you're done. You're done Michael" when he starts to head to the finishing table. See I know he is a slow eater. His dad & I struggled with this forever. But I am so tired of seeing my little boy hate school this much. Can't this lady give him some slack? He has been crying ever since he got home. I try to comfort him but my grief comes surging out and I know that will not help him, all he wants is to be homeschooled. He doesn't want to go to group counseling which we will start soon. I know he probably just had a bad day and he is reminded everyday that his Daddy is no longer here. I just wish it wasn't so hard. I need him so much right now.He always knew what to tell Michael to help him feel better. My insides feel so messed up. I feel like I could just throw up. I want my husband home.

When he gets called back

I have several projects I had been putting off and was waiting until Ted had got called back to work. Mostly so we would have money for them but also so I could complete them while the house was empty. I guess I can start my projects as he won't be going back to work.
After such a good day yesterday it all came crumbling down with a phone call. From someone in my family who made some comments that brought me to tears. So I had about a half hour of feeling that pain & crying until I had to compose myself & get Michael to get out of the tub so he could get ready for bed. We widows have a name for people like that. They are called DGI's. Don't Get It's. But I forced myself to play three games with Michael & it was so good to see him really laughing out loud. We enjoyed ourselves so much.
I wanted to get more done today but didn't. I did manage to make a cake for some dear friends of Ted & I's & went to visit them. I stayed two hours and had a very nice time. We cried a lot but it was good to remember Ted with someone else. Just like the other day when the preacher was here out of the blue he asked me how I met Ted. It felt so wonderful to share that. I like to talk about him. It makes me feel better. I miss him so very much.

The human touch

It is amazing how one simple hearfelt hug can make you feel so much better. I miss everything about my husband and when you go from being touched everyday to nothing it does something to you. Hugs from my little boy are not the same as a hug from someone who truly loves you and understands you. I had a visit from a pastor of a church I had been to a few times & where I was planning on attending regularly with my husband after the holidays. He brought his mother in law who lost her husband (who was a preacher) 10 years ago. It was so nice to hug her but thats not the hug I was talking about. But it helped me a lot to talk to her. I had been going to a church for 10 years, raised my 8 year old in this church, they were great for Ted's funeral, planned a dinner afterwards, just great. But I had already been wanting to leave for many reasons. Ted wasn't getting anything from the preaching, there were people that joined recently that were from my past & it was uncomfortable, among other reasons. But a week after the funeral no one was calling. No one was coming over. I tried to go to the other church where I was going to go anyway but I just sat & cried in the service. It just was too much to be around people. So I have been sitting at home. The last few weeks Michael has been begging to go back to the church he was raised in. I knew God was letting me know it is time to get back in there. I didn't just attend church. I participated. I went soul winning, I taught, made bulletins, cleaned, whatever the church needed. So I went to 2 Wed. evening services at a church I had once went to when I was a teen. I liked it. They had a class for Michael. The people were nice. The preaching was good. So I went to the 11am service today with Michael & one of my grandkids. It was nice. He preached from Genesis 15:11 where Abram had set up an altar & the fowls were coming & how he drove them away. How we need to drive away the fowls in our life. Then he said God loves you & if there is something happening in your life now remember God cried & was grieving when His son hung on the cross. By the time the altar call was made I was a wreck. I walked down that aisle & kneeled at the altar & just sobbed my heart out to God. And then something happened that never happened to me before. Something I needed so badly right now. I suddenly felt hands. Lots of them. On my back. On my head. I heard voices. Crying & praying. Asking, begging God to help me. Help my son. Take this pain & grief away. To see me through it. It was the best feeling I have had in a very long time. Well, since the night Ted died. As we were all watching tv & eating our subway all my husband was concerned about was that he picked out the right stuff for my sub. He loved me so much. But I know God loves me more as hard as that is to believe. So I got up from that altar with snot on my face & tears in my eyes & this woman who I had only met 2 other times wrapped her arms around me & I just didn't want to let go. It felt so good. I could feel the love pouring out of her. It was wonderful. I know I have a long way to go but it felt so good to be doing what I have always done for the last 10 years. Serving the Lord. I know Ted would not want me to be sitting in our house day in and day out. So I just did something else that feels right. I deactivated my facebook account. All I do is sit & get depressed as I read others posts on how great & normal their lives are. I didn't need facebook when he was alive & I don't need it now.
So I am waiting for michael to come home & we will read & maybe play a game & I will get him tucked in & wait for the new season of the Apprentice to come on. One of Ted & I's favorite shows. I will light his candle & we will watch it together. I love you my Ted.

Thank you Ted & Webkinz

So my little one came home from school & wanted to play on the computer with his Webkinz. He asked if we could go to the store and get him another Webkinz. He had money saved & I told him we were going to go to the movie night at school & we could go to the store tomorrow & buy his Webkinz. Well, he say he doesn't know & maybe he wants to get his Webkinz today. I told him it was up to him. So he asked his Dad & his Dad said W. which stands for Webkinz. We went & bought a few things, he spent the rest of his gift card, I bought the movie Hotel For Dogs, we came home, ordered pizza & watched it. I think he enjoyed it.
Yes my 8 year old asks his Dad things. I told this to my mom & she said "Does he think he really hears his Dads voice?" I told her I didn't know & I didn't care. As long as it never ever stops. He doesn't have conversations but if he can't decide on something, he asks his Dad. I think he hears his Dads voice because yesterday when he asked Daddy what he should do, go to the school or go buy his Webkinz, he said it didn't sound like his Dad's voice, it was a lady's voice. But at the store he could not decide which Webkinz to buy so he narrowed it down to two & he asked his Dad & he said Daddy said to get the rooster. I love this. I wish I could hear him. I have had lots of communication from him in the form of numbers, songs, dreams but the one I love the best was my roses he picked for me for Valentines Day. I knew if he was alive I would have told him to get me 13 roses because this year we would have celebrated our 13 year anniversary of our first date which was on Valentines Day. He first got in touch with me (after years of not seeing each other) the day before which was Friday the 13th, we were married on Nov. 13, so our lucky number is 13. So I decided to buy my own. I went to Meijer & saw they had single ones & bouquets of a dozen. So I started looking at the bouquets trying to find one that looked nice & healthy. My eyes kept being drawn to a certain bouquet so after a minute I picked it up. I am frugal & want my moneys worth so I counted them to make sure there were 12. Well there wasn't. There were 13. I counted those flowers at least 4 times. Then I thought maybe they started putting 13 roses in all of them. Kind of like a bakers dozen. So I counted 2 other bouquets & there were only 12. So I knew they were from him. A lot of people would say it was just a coincidence. I might have said that too before he died. But not now. I take any kind of comfort I can get from him.

Movie Night

I am really going to give it my best effort. Michael wants to go to Movie Night at school tonight. I am already starting to feel the panic. I just have a hard time being around people. Especially families. Ones that have a mom and a dad. I love the people at his school. They have all been so supportive & are the greatest group of teachers & staff & some of the moms & I have formed real connections over the years. But I cry so easily & I don't want to do that to Michael. He sees me cry here at home but I know he would get embarrassed if I did it at school. The thing is if Ted were alive we would not be going. We usually had our own family movie night on Fridays. The movie they are playing is Hotel For Dogs. It holds special memories for Michael. His Dad took him to see it. They saw a lot of movies just the two of them. But this one time they were the only two in the whole theater. Michael said they sat up at the top & his Dad let him stand on the seat & he was trying to reach the light from the projector. Ted loved him so much. So I will do my best to sit at the school for 2 hours tonight & watch this movie with my special little boy & try really hard to hold it all in.
There is a spot on his grave that is caving in. I asked him if he was trying to get out. I usually don't think about him being right under my feet. But today, in the rain, I could not get the thought out of my head that his body is literally just a few feet under me. I just miss touching him. Feeling him. This just isn't fair. It's not supposed to be like this. I just want to close my eyes. 12 weeks today. Even after 11 years of marriage I would still catch him just looking at me. I am starting to look at myself again. Just for brief glimpses. I can't believe how much death ages you. I look so old. I just want you home Ted. I love you.

Rough Day

I sit here listening to my I Can Help song over & over. It was a bad bad day today. The big grief monster comes at you out of nowhere at the most unexpected times. Today was a lay on the floor screaming kind of day. I just could not escape it. I don't recognize my own voice when this happens. I feel bad for my dogs. They get so upset & afraid when I crumble like that. I just don't know how I can keep going. I know I have to. I just hurt so bad. I am so tired & yet I sit here at this stupid computer when I know I should go to bed. I posted a video of him on facebook I keep waiting to see who has watched it. It makes me angry that few people have. I don't want him to be forgotten. I want, I need for people to see how important & loved he is. WHERE IS EVERYONE??????????????? I come home from somewhere & look to see if the red light is flashing on the phone.It never is. I check my cell phone every now & then to see if I have missed any calls. But no one calls. But as soon as the phone does ring I automatically shut off the emotions. I even get an attitude with some people. Grief makes you absolutely crazy. I ask Ted what he would be doing if it would have been me that died. How would you be holding up? This isn't supposed to be my life. Even after 12 weeks I still just seem to beg God to just bring him home even though I know it's not possible. I really should be wearing black. That is how I feel. BLACK. I go to his grave M - F. As I am kneeling there by his small plaque that says his name & I am crying I often feel like I am in a movie. That is a scene you would see in a fricking movie!!!!!!!! It's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE REAL LIFE!!!!! Or at least not mine. I miss you Ted. I love you so much.

I Can Help

I was 6 years old in 1974 & my Dad, Mom,sister & I were going to my grandparents house up north. It was night & we were all in the front cab of the truck. I was sleeping on blankets on the floor. I remember seeing the glow of the dashboard lights. The song I Can Help by Billy Swan was playing on the radio. I felt so safe & secure. When I hear that song I go back to that night as the wheels of the truck hummed on the pavement & I was curled up in blankets safe with my family. The words spoke to me years ago when I was divorced & raising my older son but I didn't know many years later the words would have so much more meaning to me.
I ache all over. I don't know if this is from little to no activity or a symptom of grief but I my body hurts so bad. I feel like I could lay down in bed & just not get up for a very long time. Hire someone to take care of everything. I feel as if I am slipping into that fog again.
I picked up his jacket from the cleaners today. I found it in the garage attic, torn in a few places & did not trust myself to repair it. I wonder when I stopped wearing it. I think it still hung in the house in 2004 but I can't remember. It felt good to put it on. I miss him so much.

Sleeping with Serious Sam

Back in 2001 when I was about 7 months pregnant, we had to change the computer room into a nursery so the computer stuff had to come into our room. It was a bit cramped but I remember many nights laying in bed feeling my little Michael kicking & moving as I listened to Ted playing one of his favorite games Serious Sam. Now I know gunfire isn't too soothing but the sounds of this particular game were somehow soothing to me and many times lulled me to sleep. I guess there was just this feeling of security. Togetherness. So I bought myself an mp3 player, downloaded Serious Sam sounds from YouTube & loaded them on my player. I got to fall asleep last night listening to them. I also loaded something from Tomb Raider since that was his all time favorite game. And the theme from The Good, The Bad, The Ugly since he loved Clint Eastwood & could practically repeat all of his movies word for word. Boy I miss that man.
On a happier note I spent an hour yesterday & an hour today on the phone with medical providers. Some of the bills he had were going into collections so I figured it was time to tell them he was no longer here. Most of them were nice. Only one told me there was nothing that could be done & it would go into collections. Only 8 wanted me to send the death certificate. So it feels like I accomplished a lot.

Quiet

It seems so much more quiet. No noise from the tv or a zombie computer game, or car engines revving in the garage or laughter as Michael & his Dad play wrestle. Too quiet. I long for the phone to ring but when it finally does I do not want to talk. It is not the person I wish it were. So many things to do still & no motivation to do it. I wish this stupid snow would melt. I long for spring. Then I wonder how will I face all the things of spring without him. I still feel lost. I want to go back in time. If only. I have the task of ordering his headstone very soon. So it can be placed soon. Everytime I go there & see his name in black letters on the small sign from the funeral home it just doesn't seem real. I always loved his name. He told me once a long time ago he didn't like his name. Because it didn't do anything. It just sat there. I miss him so much.

Too Sad??????

How can I get too sad if I watch home movies & look at pictures of my deceased husband? I don't even understand what too sad means. I am already WAYYYYYYYYY past "too sad". I am too sad every time I go to the grocery store & see the foods I used to buy him. I am too sad when I go to a department store & see clothes I would have bought him. I am too sad when I drive on the same road we drove on together. Which by the way is every road. I am too sad when I am in our home. I am too sad when I am away from our home. I am too sad when I drive his vehicle. I am too sad when I look at his vehicle. Tell me please what I CAN DO that I WON'T be TOO SAD???? 11 weeks ago at exactly this time he was on the floor in our livingroom as paramedics were trying to revive him. He was already gone. I was screaming, crying, praying, begging God to please not take my husband away. Oh I miss you Ted & I am more than too sad without you.

Do I care about your happiness?

I know it sounds awful & I actually feel bad but I really don't care to hear about your good fortune. Whether it's a winnings from a casino, an unexpected trip from your husband or a new fricking love in your life! Why do people think I want to hear about it? My husband is DEAD! I deal with crap every day regarding his death. Today I had to spend time on the phone with paypal to get his account closed & his funds in his account sent to me. It is just one more reminder that he is gone. I do not have good fortunes right now. I do not want to hear about yours. Sorry if this makes me rude & insensitive. But I think I have a right to feel this way. I miss him so much.

Melted snow

The yard is almost completely empty of snow. The grass is visible & there are huge puddles everywhere. I walk around looking for something. Maybe something he dropped in the yard back in October or November. Just something. Went to the library yesterday. I started crying thinking of all the times I took Michael to story time & Ted was always there at home when we got back. He wasn't home when we got back yesterday. It makes me so sad. I just wish he was here physically. Everyday I wish this. I miss my husband.

13th anniversary

It was 13 years ago today when I heard a knock on my door. I had no idea that knock would be the start of a wonderful life with my soul mate. It just was supposed to last longer. I was going to wash his glass today. I carried it in the kitchen & made it to the dishwasher but just couldn't bring myself to put it in there. So I wrapped it up and put it away in a drawer. I feel like it was a huge step for me. I still wish he was here to drink from that glass and it still hurts every second of the day. But his glass is gone.

Where/Who am I?

I just can't take much more. The screaming and crying are beginning to make my throat burn. I wasn't able to go to the cemetary today as I do everyday M-F. The stupid door latch on the car wouldn't work so I had to drive all the way home from the school holding the door closed. I tried fixing it like I did before but it would not work. I came in the house & fell on the floor screaming. Using cuss words I have not used or said in 10 years. I just hate who I am. I hate where I am. Where exactly am I? I don't know where to turn. Who to call. So many things. I am neglecting everything. I moved the kitchen table around thinking it might help if it was different. All it did was let a rush of memories come flooding in of all the dinners we had all 3 together when the table was like that. We were predictable. We all had our own place we sat at. Predictable was good. I knew what he wanted before he even said anything. I knew when he called me by a certain name what kind of mood he was in. I miss him so bad. I just keep repeating the same thing over & over. I WANT HIM TO COME HOME!

I am lost

I just feel so lost. Like the world is so huge. I still see people going about their lives like all is well and I just wish mine was the way it used to be. I find myself wishing I could go back to Feb. 13, 1998 when he knocked on my door. Or even Dec. 10, 2010. I would have tried something. Anything. I saw a man today that looked so much like him. I wanted so very badly to just go up to him and ask him to give me a hug. I miss my husband so much. I just can't believe sometimes this is happening. I truly did know I was going to marry him the first time I met him. I know there are a lot of people who don't believe in that stuff. But I knew it. It was a gut feeling I had. It was in May 1991. I needed tires for my car. He worked at a junkyard & helped me find tires. He was so handsome. I just knew he was the one for me. I feel so tired all the time. And my body feels heavy. As if I have weights on. Why? Why? Why? I need him.

Evaporated

His glass still sits on his nightstand after 6 weeks and 4 days. Except it was half full when he died and the water has evaporated. It's gone. Like him. It hit me this morning as I sat & waited for my little boy to get ready for school, Ted is never going to walk through the door ever again. I will never see him walk across the yard. Never see him build a fire out back. Never sit and watch a movie with him. never rub his feet. Never hug him. I know I will see him again but it hurts so bad to know I don't know when that will be. I wanted him so bad and finally after 7 years I got him. Now to only have had him for 12 years & 9 months & 27 days it just doesn't seem fair. I just still want him home. I miss you so much.

4 weeks or 1 month

It has been 4 weeks today since he passed away. Why is it when I say 4 weeks it sounds like a short time. But if I say 1 month it sounds longer. They are both the same amount of time. Everyday is still a struggle but there is so many things to occupy my mind. Insurance, cars need to be fixed, mortgages, dogs need to be fed, fixed, flead, child needs to practice multiplication, book reports due, etc, etc, etc,. So I guess the to do lists help me to focus somewhat. Ted told me once that he had come over before & I wasn't home & I used to keep my trash cans on my enclosed porch. They didn't have lids & he noticed crumpled up paper on top so he looked at some of the papers. He thought maybe I had lost my mind because there were several lists that had things like: get groceries, go to bank, return movies, pick up cat food, etc. He was never a To Do List person. Me, the times I don't have a to do list, I feel unraveled & unorganized. I miss you Ted.

How do I keep going?

I know I have to but I just don't know that I can. I think I am on autopilot. I do because I have to. I can't stand the fact that I can't touch you everyday. Or smell you. Or feel you. Or hear you. It just isn't fair. I just keep asking God to just bring you home. Why? I was supposed to be married to you forever, not just 11 years. I was supposed to be taking care of you right now. I miss you so much. I screamed & hit a pillow on the floor today.My hear just hurts so bad. I just want you home. I love you Ted Hightower