When it's quiet in the night

The best time to be in his garage is in the night time. When it's dark outside. There are no noises. Just quiet & stillness. I walk around. Looking at the things he collected. Pulling out the drawers of his tool boxes. Touching the tools he once touched and used. I cry of course. But I feel so close to him. I breathe deeply of the scent of him. A scent that always had a trace of oil or gas. I miss him. I pulled out the stupid funeral home bag for something tonight and started looking at the pictures of the flowers people sent. I began to cry. I remember people pushing me to take the flowers home. I wanted nothing to do with them. None of them. Although they were beautiful arrangements. They were like poison to me. Like some kind of leprosy. I still can't grasp sometimes that he is gone. I smell his jacket hanging by the back door. Almost one year later, everything remains the same. Not much has been moved. I feel like he still lives here. And I like that. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. But I know I will see him again.

It's Almost Here

Our anniversary. Or would be 12 year anniversary is right around the corner. The one year mark is right after that. I have not had any dreams of him in awhile. None that I can remember. I am crying so much more. I am barely holding on to my faith. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. Why is he not here and so many other people are? These are the questions that might never be answered. I miss holding his hand. I miss the feeling of his love. I am tired of holding everything together and figuring everything out and being mom and dad. I want him to be here to help me. I want to see him. I want to hear him. Talk. Snore. Laugh. Yell. A year ago today he was in the hospital. Being pumped full of medicine. Trying to get the fluid off. He did not want to be there but he finally knew how serious it was. I remember laying in bed those first couple nights at home alone. Crying and praying. Asking God to heal him because I couldn't live without him. Guess I was wrong. Here it is almost 11 months with him gone and I am still alive physically. I miss him. He was my soul mate. He was the dream I had for so long.