In the garage

I went out to the garage to cry. Michael gets sad now if he sees me cry and it bothers him he said. So I went out to the garage. It was his garage. It is all his things in there. I just hate this life I have. I want my old one back. I want him home here with me. It just isn't fair. Will I ever think otherwise? I feel so empty. I try to put on a smile and laugh for my sons, my grandchildren. But that is what it is. Fake. I feel nothing except a huge hole in my insides. I want to hit things. Throw things. I kicked the tire on a car while I was in the garage. I realized he had just that very day he died filled up his can of kerosene. And filled up his heater. They both sit there full. He will never use them. How do I keep going? How? Sometimes I feel like I could go crazy. When I see my little boy upset over his Daddy & frustrated, sometimes he will grab his hair or cheeks. I know just how he feels because I do the same. I just feel like I could cry forever & it would not be enough. We are both in counseling now so hopefully that will help some. In the meantime I just keep reminding myself to breathe.

It's the little things

I know I need to condense all the key rings. His two and my one. But I can't bring myself to do it. It seems like such a small thing. But it's not. It's huge for me. So I continue to carry two huge sets of keys in my purse. His cell phone. It is not needed. I have already recorded his voice mail greeting so it's on my computer. But I like to see it sitting on the desk. Where it usually sat because he always forgot it. His boots still sit at the back door where he left them. His jacket still hangs on the hook he put it on. The little things. Today was a crying hard day. Everyday is a crying day but I don't cry hard everyday like I did several weeks ago. So I cried hard a lot today. I still ask him to come home knowing he can't. He probably would not want to anyway. The pain is so intense sometimes. It feels like a ton of bricks sitting on your chest. Grief is heavy. I miss him so much. What I wouldn't give to just have his arms around me for a few brief minutes. I love you my soul mate Ted.

He died

After five long, intense, round the clock care days, Rocky the turtle died. Last night. I sat on the floor and cried. I watched him take his last breath. Just like I did my husband. I don't understand why this tiny little turtle could not have just lived. Michael got a box he had made for him a long time ago. He made clouds from cotton balls, green grass, a window for him to see out of. He would let him sit in this little box once in awhile just to have a change in scenery. So we are going to bury him in that. As I have been taking care of him I almost started to feel like I did before Ted died. Like I had a purpose. I miss taking care of my husband so much. I miss giving him medicine when he needs it, rubbing his feet, his back, going with him to doctor appointments. He could have done all this by himself. But I loved being with him. Helping him. I think he liked it too. I miss you Ted. 14 weeks ago today at this time, you and I were both here at home. Together. Alive.

Dying turtle and a memory box

Back in the summer Ted bought Michael two baby turtles. Not long after a mean neighbor kid "accidentally" crushed one with his knee. Ted was so mad and he was upset for Michael so he took Rocky to the store & they were able to "replace" his shell.The second turtle died from a dirty tank so Michael has been vigilant about making sure Rocky's tank is clean. Well this last Sunday Michael was playing with him & got distracted & Mabel the dog got him. So he has a puncture wound on the bottom of his shell & I stopped the bleeding & have been trying to nurse him back to health. He is still moving although its slow & his wound started bleeding again today. But I have seen him eat two times. I think he has a 50/50 chance. I just can't give up on him. I think because he is the special turtle that Ted got because he loves his little boy so much.
I ordered a memory box/temporary grave marker for his grave today. When I do things like this I still have a hard time. I can't help but think "Is this real? Did I really just place an order for a memory box for my Husband, Ted's GRAVE? This just has to be a dream". I wonder when I will stop having those thoughts.

What is a Doo-da?

When our first grandson was almost a year old we happened to be watching a movie. Surviving Christmas with Ben Affleck. It was very funny. But when the part came on where he introduces his rented Doo-da to his rented family, I said "That's it Ted! That's what the grandkids can call you! They need a Doo-da! I was already Gammy so Ted needed a name too. And that is what they have all called him all these years later. I miss you Doo-da!

A good mechanic is like a good husband....

Hard to find. I was so blessed to have both. Now he is gone. I wish I would have paid more attention all those years to exactly what he was doing under the hood. Maybe I could be saving myself hundreds of dollars now. I say "Ted, where or who should I trust to take care of the vehicles?" But the only obvious answer is him. And it just isn't going to happen.

3 months

3 months today. 3 months ago Ted, Nicholas & I got home from Michael's Christmas concert. I noticed that morning when Ted got up he looked much more tired than usual. As we were walking into the high school before the concert started he was much slower and kept having to stop. I told him to zip his coat. He got much colder from being on the blood thinners and his jacket was open. I kept getting irritated because we were late. Every time he stopped he would say "Just go on" But I said no. He was his usual joking self, teasing me, making some ladies in front of us laugh. Afterwards we saw our old neighbors who Ted still hung out with and helped work on their cars. When Don would call Michael would say "Daddy it's your best buddy". We came home & both of us went on our computers. I waited for Jason to call so I could take him to Sec. of State. I left around noon. I dropped Jason off around 1pm, called Ted & left him a message on his cell letting him know I was running errands. Ted was in the garage but came in the house & sometime while I was gone my Dad came over & visited him, then Jason came in & my Dad said they all three were laughing and talking. I came home around 3:30 and Ted was getting Jason's car off the trailer. Then Jason showed up to help but couldn't stay long because he had to work. I made sure Michael got off the bus & was home. I had to go babysit the grandkids and Ted asked what time I would be home because he and Michael were going to take care of dinner. So I said I would be home by 6pm. Which I was and they came in with Subway. I thought it was odd because I have never seen Ted eat subway. Ever. So we three got our plates and sat down in the livingroom. Michael wanted to watch Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs. But Ted & I wanted to watch something different. I suggested watching the movie Michael borrowed from my mom a while back. The Borrowers. As we ate Ted kept looking at me & askig if my food was good because he didn't know what to put on it. I was so hungry & I told him it was perfect. The phone rang at 7:45pm but we didn't get it in time. Michael got the phone & I saw it was the hospital in Toldeo. I told Ted he better call. So he did & they had no idea who it was that tried reaching him. So he hung up & I said there's a message. After listening to it we found out it was the Cardiac Rythym Specialist. He had read Teds holter monitor results and was very concerned because his heart rate was on average 114 beats per minute. He left his home phone number. So Ted called him. They discussed the results, his medication and the doctor felt it was due to the change in one of his meds by the other cardiologist and told him to not take his ssecond dose that night but to take his old medication. So he hung up and sat down. I got his pills and brought to him. We talked. He told me how scared he is. Even now after being on the pills & seeing doctors. He said he was still scared to lay down at night because of the fluid, scared to lift much of anything. I told him I know and that everything will be ok. I got up and kissed his head. The phone rang again at 8:22 and it was the hospital calling back to tell him who was trying to reach him. I heard Ted making jokes because he had the doctors home phone number and they didn't. Him and Michael went & sat back down. I went & sat at the kitchen table. I was going to refill his pill boxes like I did every Friday night. But they wanted me in there to finish watching the movie. The last thing I remember hearing Ted say was "5, 4, 3, " as he counted down the time until he started the movie again.He only got to 3 because I came in there & sat down. I remember feeling sleepy. I couldn't have been sitting there more than 5 minutes and I thought I heard him snoring. I looked over and he was just staring straight ahead with a blank look in his eyes even though they were open like there was no recognition there, I thought he was gasping. But I think his body was shutting down and it was the air left in his body escaping. I just know I panicked. Started screaming. Yelled for Michael to go get Angie our neighbor. The dogs began barking wildly as I screamed. I couldn't find the phone. Then I found it on the stool next to his chair. I called 911. I told her he was gasping. I asked if I should do CPR. She said no not if he was breathing. I remember she told me I needed to calm down. How do you do that when your husband is dying in front of you. At one point I opened the front door and screamed "Help Me". My neighbor's husband finally got there after what seemed an eternity. I remember trying to get the remote out of his hand and I couldn't move his fingers. My neighbor just kept saying "Hang on Ted. Don't leave us". I believe he took his last breath just as the police officer got in the house and they were getting ready to lay him on the floor. I wish so many times I would have just tried doing chest compressions.For some reason I could not bear to look at him laying there on our floor as they cut his shirt, got the paddles ready. I heard them say everyone clear. I was on the floor in the kitchen doorway screaming, crying, calling my parents. I think he took his last breath around 8:30pm. After they shocked him I looked at the little box and all I saw was a flat line. Somewhere in the very depths of my mind and heart I knew he was gone. The ambulance loaded him. Michael stayed with our neighbors. I rode with my Dad. The preacher and his wife were called earlier by my neighbors son & they followed us. Thank God. We went into "the little room" and we were all 4 praying. The doctor came in & I literally fell to the floor when he said "He was without a heartbeat for 55 minutes. We did all we could". I screamed & screamed. After awhile the preacher said "Sandy, they are waiting for you. Don't you want to see Ted? You can see your husband". Supported by the preachers wife I slowly walked back to the room where he was. He was already starting to get cold. He had a big tongue compressor in his mouth & gauze wrapped around his tongue. But I just rubbed his head like I have done thousands of times.Told him I love him. Told him I was sorry I could not help him. Begged God even then to just give me a miracle & let him live. Eventually his family came in, Jason came, Wendy came, people were crying, wanting to know what happened.
I feel odd today. I have been trying to cry. I cry just a tiny bit & then I just don't feel anything. I almost feel like I did for the first 2 weeks. Numb. I want to feel. I want to cry. I want to face it. I miss him so much. I have been doing a lot of crying & screaming & what the counselor calls "Grief Work" in the last 2 months so maybe my body & brain just need a rest today. What do I do without him? I still don't know 3 months later.

Cooking for two

It is so hard to actually cook anything but it makes it even harder now that it is just Michael & I. And I don't even actually cook. I only have recently been making things like mac & cheese, spagetti. Usually it is frozen pizza or soup. Which is fine with Michael. Tonight we are having baked potatos. Ted loved them and after he came home from the hospital it was the only thing that had 0 of all the things he should not have. So we ate them ALOT. If I didn't make them, when we sat down to eat he would say "Michael, do you know what would go really good with this? A baked potato!" After about the 4th time of saying this Michael started saying it. I miss him so much. I walk through the house and can almost see him in the rooms. I say "If Ted were home he would be doing...." I don't understand. I really don't. I will keep trusting God & try to remember He knows what is best. He knew Ted was the best for me at the time he came into my life. It doesn't take this horrendous pain away though. XOXO Ted!

So tired

I just don't want to do this anymore. He was supposed to be here. For all of this. Michael has always hated school but it is even worse now. Everyday he begs me to homeschool him. Imagine that! A little 3rd grader hating school this much. He says his row blames him if they don't get a point for something. Today at lunch & recess he had 2 people tell him at different times he was in the wrong line. He said he almost started to cry. Later the teacher told the class to line up & he wanted to get his crayon & another kid told him to get in line. Then there's the lunch aide who tells him almost everyday he is not allowed to sit at the finishing table to finish his lunch because he had plenty of time. He said she tells him "No you're done. You're done Michael" when he starts to head to the finishing table. See I know he is a slow eater. His dad & I struggled with this forever. But I am so tired of seeing my little boy hate school this much. Can't this lady give him some slack? He has been crying ever since he got home. I try to comfort him but my grief comes surging out and I know that will not help him, all he wants is to be homeschooled. He doesn't want to go to group counseling which we will start soon. I know he probably just had a bad day and he is reminded everyday that his Daddy is no longer here. I just wish it wasn't so hard. I need him so much right now.He always knew what to tell Michael to help him feel better. My insides feel so messed up. I feel like I could just throw up. I want my husband home.

When he gets called back

I have several projects I had been putting off and was waiting until Ted had got called back to work. Mostly so we would have money for them but also so I could complete them while the house was empty. I guess I can start my projects as he won't be going back to work.
After such a good day yesterday it all came crumbling down with a phone call. From someone in my family who made some comments that brought me to tears. So I had about a half hour of feeling that pain & crying until I had to compose myself & get Michael to get out of the tub so he could get ready for bed. We widows have a name for people like that. They are called DGI's. Don't Get It's. But I forced myself to play three games with Michael & it was so good to see him really laughing out loud. We enjoyed ourselves so much.
I wanted to get more done today but didn't. I did manage to make a cake for some dear friends of Ted & I's & went to visit them. I stayed two hours and had a very nice time. We cried a lot but it was good to remember Ted with someone else. Just like the other day when the preacher was here out of the blue he asked me how I met Ted. It felt so wonderful to share that. I like to talk about him. It makes me feel better. I miss him so very much.

The human touch

It is amazing how one simple hearfelt hug can make you feel so much better. I miss everything about my husband and when you go from being touched everyday to nothing it does something to you. Hugs from my little boy are not the same as a hug from someone who truly loves you and understands you. I had a visit from a pastor of a church I had been to a few times & where I was planning on attending regularly with my husband after the holidays. He brought his mother in law who lost her husband (who was a preacher) 10 years ago. It was so nice to hug her but thats not the hug I was talking about. But it helped me a lot to talk to her. I had been going to a church for 10 years, raised my 8 year old in this church, they were great for Ted's funeral, planned a dinner afterwards, just great. But I had already been wanting to leave for many reasons. Ted wasn't getting anything from the preaching, there were people that joined recently that were from my past & it was uncomfortable, among other reasons. But a week after the funeral no one was calling. No one was coming over. I tried to go to the other church where I was going to go anyway but I just sat & cried in the service. It just was too much to be around people. So I have been sitting at home. The last few weeks Michael has been begging to go back to the church he was raised in. I knew God was letting me know it is time to get back in there. I didn't just attend church. I participated. I went soul winning, I taught, made bulletins, cleaned, whatever the church needed. So I went to 2 Wed. evening services at a church I had once went to when I was a teen. I liked it. They had a class for Michael. The people were nice. The preaching was good. So I went to the 11am service today with Michael & one of my grandkids. It was nice. He preached from Genesis 15:11 where Abram had set up an altar & the fowls were coming & how he drove them away. How we need to drive away the fowls in our life. Then he said God loves you & if there is something happening in your life now remember God cried & was grieving when His son hung on the cross. By the time the altar call was made I was a wreck. I walked down that aisle & kneeled at the altar & just sobbed my heart out to God. And then something happened that never happened to me before. Something I needed so badly right now. I suddenly felt hands. Lots of them. On my back. On my head. I heard voices. Crying & praying. Asking, begging God to help me. Help my son. Take this pain & grief away. To see me through it. It was the best feeling I have had in a very long time. Well, since the night Ted died. As we were all watching tv & eating our subway all my husband was concerned about was that he picked out the right stuff for my sub. He loved me so much. But I know God loves me more as hard as that is to believe. So I got up from that altar with snot on my face & tears in my eyes & this woman who I had only met 2 other times wrapped her arms around me & I just didn't want to let go. It felt so good. I could feel the love pouring out of her. It was wonderful. I know I have a long way to go but it felt so good to be doing what I have always done for the last 10 years. Serving the Lord. I know Ted would not want me to be sitting in our house day in and day out. So I just did something else that feels right. I deactivated my facebook account. All I do is sit & get depressed as I read others posts on how great & normal their lives are. I didn't need facebook when he was alive & I don't need it now.
So I am waiting for michael to come home & we will read & maybe play a game & I will get him tucked in & wait for the new season of the Apprentice to come on. One of Ted & I's favorite shows. I will light his candle & we will watch it together. I love you my Ted.

Thank you Ted & Webkinz

So my little one came home from school & wanted to play on the computer with his Webkinz. He asked if we could go to the store and get him another Webkinz. He had money saved & I told him we were going to go to the movie night at school & we could go to the store tomorrow & buy his Webkinz. Well, he say he doesn't know & maybe he wants to get his Webkinz today. I told him it was up to him. So he asked his Dad & his Dad said W. which stands for Webkinz. We went & bought a few things, he spent the rest of his gift card, I bought the movie Hotel For Dogs, we came home, ordered pizza & watched it. I think he enjoyed it.
Yes my 8 year old asks his Dad things. I told this to my mom & she said "Does he think he really hears his Dads voice?" I told her I didn't know & I didn't care. As long as it never ever stops. He doesn't have conversations but if he can't decide on something, he asks his Dad. I think he hears his Dads voice because yesterday when he asked Daddy what he should do, go to the school or go buy his Webkinz, he said it didn't sound like his Dad's voice, it was a lady's voice. But at the store he could not decide which Webkinz to buy so he narrowed it down to two & he asked his Dad & he said Daddy said to get the rooster. I love this. I wish I could hear him. I have had lots of communication from him in the form of numbers, songs, dreams but the one I love the best was my roses he picked for me for Valentines Day. I knew if he was alive I would have told him to get me 13 roses because this year we would have celebrated our 13 year anniversary of our first date which was on Valentines Day. He first got in touch with me (after years of not seeing each other) the day before which was Friday the 13th, we were married on Nov. 13, so our lucky number is 13. So I decided to buy my own. I went to Meijer & saw they had single ones & bouquets of a dozen. So I started looking at the bouquets trying to find one that looked nice & healthy. My eyes kept being drawn to a certain bouquet so after a minute I picked it up. I am frugal & want my moneys worth so I counted them to make sure there were 12. Well there wasn't. There were 13. I counted those flowers at least 4 times. Then I thought maybe they started putting 13 roses in all of them. Kind of like a bakers dozen. So I counted 2 other bouquets & there were only 12. So I knew they were from him. A lot of people would say it was just a coincidence. I might have said that too before he died. But not now. I take any kind of comfort I can get from him.

Movie Night

I am really going to give it my best effort. Michael wants to go to Movie Night at school tonight. I am already starting to feel the panic. I just have a hard time being around people. Especially families. Ones that have a mom and a dad. I love the people at his school. They have all been so supportive & are the greatest group of teachers & staff & some of the moms & I have formed real connections over the years. But I cry so easily & I don't want to do that to Michael. He sees me cry here at home but I know he would get embarrassed if I did it at school. The thing is if Ted were alive we would not be going. We usually had our own family movie night on Fridays. The movie they are playing is Hotel For Dogs. It holds special memories for Michael. His Dad took him to see it. They saw a lot of movies just the two of them. But this one time they were the only two in the whole theater. Michael said they sat up at the top & his Dad let him stand on the seat & he was trying to reach the light from the projector. Ted loved him so much. So I will do my best to sit at the school for 2 hours tonight & watch this movie with my special little boy & try really hard to hold it all in.
There is a spot on his grave that is caving in. I asked him if he was trying to get out. I usually don't think about him being right under my feet. But today, in the rain, I could not get the thought out of my head that his body is literally just a few feet under me. I just miss touching him. Feeling him. This just isn't fair. It's not supposed to be like this. I just want to close my eyes. 12 weeks today. Even after 11 years of marriage I would still catch him just looking at me. I am starting to look at myself again. Just for brief glimpses. I can't believe how much death ages you. I look so old. I just want you home Ted. I love you.

Rough Day

I sit here listening to my I Can Help song over & over. It was a bad bad day today. The big grief monster comes at you out of nowhere at the most unexpected times. Today was a lay on the floor screaming kind of day. I just could not escape it. I don't recognize my own voice when this happens. I feel bad for my dogs. They get so upset & afraid when I crumble like that. I just don't know how I can keep going. I know I have to. I just hurt so bad. I am so tired & yet I sit here at this stupid computer when I know I should go to bed. I posted a video of him on facebook I keep waiting to see who has watched it. It makes me angry that few people have. I don't want him to be forgotten. I want, I need for people to see how important & loved he is. WHERE IS EVERYONE??????????????? I come home from somewhere & look to see if the red light is flashing on the phone.It never is. I check my cell phone every now & then to see if I have missed any calls. But no one calls. But as soon as the phone does ring I automatically shut off the emotions. I even get an attitude with some people. Grief makes you absolutely crazy. I ask Ted what he would be doing if it would have been me that died. How would you be holding up? This isn't supposed to be my life. Even after 12 weeks I still just seem to beg God to just bring him home even though I know it's not possible. I really should be wearing black. That is how I feel. BLACK. I go to his grave M - F. As I am kneeling there by his small plaque that says his name & I am crying I often feel like I am in a movie. That is a scene you would see in a fricking movie!!!!!!!! It's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE REAL LIFE!!!!! Or at least not mine. I miss you Ted. I love you so much.

I Can Help

I was 6 years old in 1974 & my Dad, Mom,sister & I were going to my grandparents house up north. It was night & we were all in the front cab of the truck. I was sleeping on blankets on the floor. I remember seeing the glow of the dashboard lights. The song I Can Help by Billy Swan was playing on the radio. I felt so safe & secure. When I hear that song I go back to that night as the wheels of the truck hummed on the pavement & I was curled up in blankets safe with my family. The words spoke to me years ago when I was divorced & raising my older son but I didn't know many years later the words would have so much more meaning to me.
I ache all over. I don't know if this is from little to no activity or a symptom of grief but I my body hurts so bad. I feel like I could lay down in bed & just not get up for a very long time. Hire someone to take care of everything. I feel as if I am slipping into that fog again.
I picked up his jacket from the cleaners today. I found it in the garage attic, torn in a few places & did not trust myself to repair it. I wonder when I stopped wearing it. I think it still hung in the house in 2004 but I can't remember. It felt good to put it on. I miss him so much.

Sleeping with Serious Sam

Back in 2001 when I was about 7 months pregnant, we had to change the computer room into a nursery so the computer stuff had to come into our room. It was a bit cramped but I remember many nights laying in bed feeling my little Michael kicking & moving as I listened to Ted playing one of his favorite games Serious Sam. Now I know gunfire isn't too soothing but the sounds of this particular game were somehow soothing to me and many times lulled me to sleep. I guess there was just this feeling of security. Togetherness. So I bought myself an mp3 player, downloaded Serious Sam sounds from YouTube & loaded them on my player. I got to fall asleep last night listening to them. I also loaded something from Tomb Raider since that was his all time favorite game. And the theme from The Good, The Bad, The Ugly since he loved Clint Eastwood & could practically repeat all of his movies word for word. Boy I miss that man.
On a happier note I spent an hour yesterday & an hour today on the phone with medical providers. Some of the bills he had were going into collections so I figured it was time to tell them he was no longer here. Most of them were nice. Only one told me there was nothing that could be done & it would go into collections. Only 8 wanted me to send the death certificate. So it feels like I accomplished a lot.