I am lost

I just feel so lost. Like the world is so huge. I still see people going about their lives like all is well and I just wish mine was the way it used to be. I find myself wishing I could go back to Feb. 13, 1998 when he knocked on my door. Or even Dec. 10, 2010. I would have tried something. Anything. I saw a man today that looked so much like him. I wanted so very badly to just go up to him and ask him to give me a hug. I miss my husband so much. I just can't believe sometimes this is happening. I truly did know I was going to marry him the first time I met him. I know there are a lot of people who don't believe in that stuff. But I knew it. It was a gut feeling I had. It was in May 1991. I needed tires for my car. He worked at a junkyard & helped me find tires. He was so handsome. I just knew he was the one for me. I feel so tired all the time. And my body feels heavy. As if I have weights on. Why? Why? Why? I need him.

Evaporated

His glass still sits on his nightstand after 6 weeks and 4 days. Except it was half full when he died and the water has evaporated. It's gone. Like him. It hit me this morning as I sat & waited for my little boy to get ready for school, Ted is never going to walk through the door ever again. I will never see him walk across the yard. Never see him build a fire out back. Never sit and watch a movie with him. never rub his feet. Never hug him. I know I will see him again but it hurts so bad to know I don't know when that will be. I wanted him so bad and finally after 7 years I got him. Now to only have had him for 12 years & 9 months & 27 days it just doesn't seem fair. I just still want him home. I miss you so much.

4 weeks or 1 month

It has been 4 weeks today since he passed away. Why is it when I say 4 weeks it sounds like a short time. But if I say 1 month it sounds longer. They are both the same amount of time. Everyday is still a struggle but there is so many things to occupy my mind. Insurance, cars need to be fixed, mortgages, dogs need to be fed, fixed, flead, child needs to practice multiplication, book reports due, etc, etc, etc,. So I guess the to do lists help me to focus somewhat. Ted told me once that he had come over before & I wasn't home & I used to keep my trash cans on my enclosed porch. They didn't have lids & he noticed crumpled up paper on top so he looked at some of the papers. He thought maybe I had lost my mind because there were several lists that had things like: get groceries, go to bank, return movies, pick up cat food, etc. He was never a To Do List person. Me, the times I don't have a to do list, I feel unraveled & unorganized. I miss you Ted.

How do I keep going?

I know I have to but I just don't know that I can. I think I am on autopilot. I do because I have to. I can't stand the fact that I can't touch you everyday. Or smell you. Or feel you. Or hear you. It just isn't fair. I just keep asking God to just bring you home. Why? I was supposed to be married to you forever, not just 11 years. I was supposed to be taking care of you right now. I miss you so much. I screamed & hit a pillow on the floor today.My hear just hurts so bad. I just want you home. I love you Ted Hightower