Almost Here

It's almost here. The 3 year mark. Hard to believe. I feel myself hibernating my mind. Like I am preparing for it. I do not know yet what I will do. Release some baloons. Maybe go eat at our favorite place. With family? Maybe not. I do know it needs to be planned. I have learned early on the worst thing is to think you will be ok and the day won't bother you. So wrong. I just feel as if I do not know where to turn. I don't have a direction. I need a direction in my life. I need my lists. I need my things to do. I need structure. There is no structure. Hasn't been any since October 9. I think not having any structure and order is making the coming weeks worse. I pulled out my pen from my wallett today. Something I do all the time. But today when I did it, I clearly heard my Ted's voice saying "That's a nice looking pen you have there. Wonder where you got it from?" And I smiled. He had said this to me many, many times. We had been walking in the mall when we were dating. He stepped on it and picked it up. A very nice Cross pen. Of course I said I liked it and took it to look at and it became mine. Funny how things just come to you like that. I miss him. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I'm glad I could smile when I thought of him today instead of cry. Then I saw my old boss at the store today. Or someone that loked like him. I stared for several minutes. Very close resemblance. I hope he is doing well. Taking care of himself. Saw an ad for a coffee maker like the one he bought. He tried to make sure I was happy. It was nice while it lasted anyway. Someone said to me it had to happen. I suppose it did. I just wish it hadn't happened when it did. It would have been nice if it had happened in a couple more years. Like someone else says though, you can't unring a bell. Just keep swimming is all I can do.

14 years

Today marks what would have been our 14 year anniversary. I wish he were here. He was such a wonderful husband. Oh sure he had things he did and said I didn't like. But I knew he would do anything he needed to do in order to take care of me and our family. He loved me unconditionally. Even when I made him mad, he still loved me. I loved how he would look at me. I would catch him just looking at me and say "what are you looking at?" and he would say "you are so pretty & I love you so much". Even after 11 years of marriage he was still doing this. He did it the night he died. I miss him. I love him so much. I was so blessed to have had him for as long as I did.

Grief Waves

I have not been functioning well lately. Second guessing my decision to start this office. I am making simple mistakes I haven't made since I started in this business. Wondering if this is where God wants me. I just keep praying. Friday was pretty bad. I had an overwhelming desire to email him, text him, call him. But I am certain he is much better off not hearing from me. I have been contemplating not working at all. Adjusting the budget, tightening the belt and just not worrying about it until the end. Like Scarlett, saying "I'll worry about that tomorrow". Then I was alone Saturday. Woke up, had some coffee, got dressed. Then wandered through the quiet house. And as I wandered, thoughts and memories surrounded my mind. Then the wave hit. Has been a long, long while since I have grieved that hard. I got his coat out of the drawer and just hugged it to my chest. Looked at pictures of him. Oh how I miss him. This is the season of his sickness and his death. Was just looking at a sales paper full of Christmas things. And I thought to myself "It's here again". It is hard not to go back in time and relive these days. But I realized as I was grieving if I did not have the little office to go to, the clients to worry over, the policies to work on, that is exactly what I would do. Grieve everyday. Oh sure. There are lots of things to be done around the house but chances are, if I stayed home, most of my days would be spent sitting, crying, trying to live in the past. That is why I have loved this job so much. For what it is has given me. I wish he knew that. So I will keep going. Try to get my thoughts straight. Try to stop second guessing myself. And just try to keep my head above the waves.