Almost Here

It's almost here. The 3 year mark. Hard to believe. I feel myself hibernating my mind. Like I am preparing for it. I do not know yet what I will do. Release some baloons. Maybe go eat at our favorite place. With family? Maybe not. I do know it needs to be planned. I have learned early on the worst thing is to think you will be ok and the day won't bother you. So wrong. I just feel as if I do not know where to turn. I don't have a direction. I need a direction in my life. I need my lists. I need my things to do. I need structure. There is no structure. Hasn't been any since October 9. I think not having any structure and order is making the coming weeks worse. I pulled out my pen from my wallett today. Something I do all the time. But today when I did it, I clearly heard my Ted's voice saying "That's a nice looking pen you have there. Wonder where you got it from?" And I smiled. He had said this to me many, many times. We had been walking in the mall when we were dating. He stepped on it and picked it up. A very nice Cross pen. Of course I said I liked it and took it to look at and it became mine. Funny how things just come to you like that. I miss him. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I'm glad I could smile when I thought of him today instead of cry. Then I saw my old boss at the store today. Or someone that loked like him. I stared for several minutes. Very close resemblance. I hope he is doing well. Taking care of himself. Saw an ad for a coffee maker like the one he bought. He tried to make sure I was happy. It was nice while it lasted anyway. Someone said to me it had to happen. I suppose it did. I just wish it hadn't happened when it did. It would have been nice if it had happened in a couple more years. Like someone else says though, you can't unring a bell. Just keep swimming is all I can do.