Big Black Emptiness

I do not understand what is wrong. I am 7 & 1/2 months out & I thought I was supposed to be getting better. Better at the grief. Better at being a mom. Better at everything. Instead I feel like I am falling into a big black hole of emptiness. I cry all the time. I find no joy in anything. My little boy said to me the other day " All you ever say is you don't feel good". I am so terrified of getting stuck in my grief. I don't want to be a family of 2. I want to be a family of 3! I want to be held. I want to be loved by someone that loves me so much they overlook all my faults. I want to be looked at the way he looked at me. I want to see the beauty in the world around me again. I want this all consuming grief to just go away. It hurts day & night. Every second. I look at his picture & I cry. I think about him & cry. I think about what we had & I cry. I want to be a wife. I want to give my love to my husband. I feel so alone. So crappy. I just want things to be the same.

In the darkness of the night

I never know when the hardest grief will hit me. As the other day on my way to work, an ambulance raced passed me. Then a van passed me, trying to keep up with the ambulance. I immediately said a prayer. Then images of a snowy night in December filled my mind. In my dad's truck. Trying to keep up with the ambulance that had my husbands lifeless body inside. I assume they were still doing cpr. I began crying there on my way to work. Thankfully I was given a message right away by our song coming on the radio that helped me calm down. Then there are other times like last night. As the outside world is dark and quiet. Most are sleeping. I sit on the floor in my living room rocking back and forth. Trying to scream quietly so I don't wake my son. Asking the same question, "Why?" Begging for the same thing "Let him come home".
I got scared last night thinking I might have a heart attack. Pain gripped my chest and all I could think was "This is what dying of a broken heart would feel like". I am so sad and so empty. I have a wonderful family, with grand children here all the time. I have a delightful son. But that emptiness remains. And continues to hurt.

Is This Real?

I am blessed enough to have a job in a rural town. So when I need to go to the post office I lock the door & walk down the street to get the company mail. As I was walking down there today I had the old suffocating feeling start coming in. And my mind began to try and comprehend the thought "How am I able to be walking down this sidewalk and he is gone. Not here. He is not at the store. He is not at work. He is not even in another state or country. He isn't here. Completely gone." This has happened to me many many other times and I think my brain only allows me to try and comprehend it for a while and then it moves on because I just still can't grasp this fact. I know he is gone but to really think about it is so very hard. Over 7 months later and I still have a hard time believing it is real. Will this ever sink in?

What would he do without her?

A year ago my husband came home with a little 8 week old female chocolate lab. I was angry because we already had a 5 year old male boxer and I did not feel like messing with training a puppy. He told me he heard me tell my grandma I was jealous of a cousin who had a female yellow lab because I always wanted one. He said his wife should never have to be jealous and all he could find was a chocolate. Well the pet store would not take her back so I had no choice but to keep her. I clearly see depression in my boxer's eyes now that my husband is gone. When the garage door is opened he runs outside everytime looking at the road. Then he goes and lays down in the garage. He spent a lot of time in there with my husband. I believe he still waits for him to come home. I was watching him play with our lab tonight and I think he would be lost without her. His depression would probably be worse than it is. So once again I am assured that God knows what He is doing. He knew I would not have the mental ability to give my boxer the attention he needed so a little playmate came into the picture. At the time I saw it as a hinderance. Today I am very protective of my little girl Mabel.

What's an extra $9?

I had to go buy a battery for my vehicle today. I had someone help me find the right one and when I went to pay for it they wanted an extra $9 for the core charge. I asked them why they would need that when I was paying $95 for a new battery. They said I could bring my old battery in anytime and get refunded. So of course I started crying. He took care of crap like this. I haven't had to worry about car stuff in 13 years! I refused of course and went home with no battery and decided I will worry about it another day. When I can focus. Which might be never.