Friday Night Trans

So my main vehicle's trans starts acting up, took it in, had to have it rebuilt, cost much more than I can afford but there was no choice. So I picked it up today and as the guy is explaining what they did to it all I could think of was my wonderful husband and if he were here I would not be standing there. He would have done it himself. Of course I started crying & then told the trans shop guy about my husband, his mechanical abilities & that he passed away 13 months ago. To which he replied "Oh I am so sorry. Your pain is still raw" I was surprised. He was actually the 2nd person this week that had that same mentality. The other comment was that it was still fresh. It's nice to know not everyone thinks you get a year to grieve & then you should "be over it". I miss him. Everything about him was perfect. I wish I would have told him more often.

It's Different

I hate New Years. Every year we ring in the New Year and I just never liked it. Change. It's the change into another year. It was bearable with Ted. He made it ok but I still wasn't fond of it. But this year I really felt nothing. It doesn't matter anymore. 2011. 2012. It is all the same. Empty. He is not here. He wasn't here in 2011. he won't be here in 2012. Who cares anymore? I am dealing with the biggest change in my life and a simple tiny thing like changing into another year is nothing. I miss him so much. I hurt for my little boy when he has his meltdowns. He misses his Daddy more than anyone will ever know. I wish I could take his pain away at least. But I can't. He needs to feel it. In order to heal. Even after 12 months and 23 days it still hurts just as bad and still seems like its not real.