Cracking

I feel as if could crack at any moment. I try to keep it together but I am teetering on the edge. School starting soon and I know I must put on a happy face. Just so tired.

No Change

So things are still the same. How do you make change? How do you create a new path, new journey from the one you were on for the last 12 years? I do not know. I think i am trying only to realize I have not made any progress. I miss him. I cry for him. I cry for our son and what he has lost. I have flashbacks of that night. Yet I get up, go to work, buy groceries, make appointments. Do what needs to be done. I need a new path. Soon.

Empty

I feel so empty. Void. I am functioning. Doing things automatically. I may smile. I may laugh. But deep down inside I am just empty. I want to feel again. I want to feel like there is a point to life. I don't know how to make a new life without him. How do you go on? I feel as if life and our routine is the same. I think I want change. But I am terrified of change. No one gets it. I am not being selfish when I say I want to die. Part of me has died. People really really do not understand the depth and connection of what my husband and I shared. I could never harm myself. But I have a right to feel as if I don't want to exist anymore. I want to be better for my family. My little boy. I just don't know how. I miss him. The very depths of my soul just can't take it anymore. I feel so panicky today. Anxiety. I want to run but I don't know where. I want to.... I don't know what I want. It changes from one second to the next. I pray. I beg God to help me. I know I am not the first person to ever lose a spouse. I don't want to live the rest of my life in such a sorrowful state. I just can't climb out of this hole. I can't breathe when I think of him sitting in the chair, dying. I don't want to think of it but I know I must. I just want my husband to come home.

Run Forest Run

That is how I feel tonight. Like a caged animal. Like I could just get up & run & never look back. I want change. I crave change. Yet change scares me. Makes me feel like I am erasing him with the new change. I feel as if my heart will explode from the pain. I want to scream HELP ME! But there is no one to hear me. I want someone, anyone to call me so they can just listen as I cry & ask WHY. But no one does & I am too prideful to reach out. Don't want to be a burden. Don't want to bother people. But people need to know I am not better. I am still in so much turmoil. I feel as if the whole world is crashing down. I just want him home. I HATE my life. Absolutely HATE it! When is it going to get better? When will I feel like I have direction? I am inpatient. I want it now. But I know I must do the work. Feel the pain. I just don't know where to turn, what to think, what to do. I just want my old life back. NOW.

6 months backwards

Why am I going backwards? Why is this grief consuming me? Over a week now & I can't take another day. Crying, looking at his picture, hitting myself because I can't take the pain anymore. His garage makes me ache. His things make me sad yet I can't let them be removed. I just feel so lost. Where are you? I asked him this morning as I was driving to work if he could see what he was doing to me. What he did to me by not taking care of himself. By dying! I can't breathe without him. But somehow I know that I am. It's just not fair. I want to move far away. I want to stay here in our home filled with memories. Am I going crazy? Have I already got there? I cry out to Jesus to help me. This pain must be what God felt as He watched His only son being crucified. Just come home Ted. I changed the doorknob & got a new set of keys and for a moment I was worried because if I changed it he wouldn't be able to open the door. But then I thought "he doesn't have his keys anyway. I have them."

Reality FaceBook

I am going to create a new social media connection site for those of us who might sometimes just want to be real & let people know exactly what we are feeling. No more "My son is so great. He got a promotion!" Instead it will be "My son quit his 4th job in 3 months and I am tired of helping to pay his bills to help support him, his wife & 5 kids " Or instead of "I love sitting on my deck watching my hubby do yard work" it will be " I hate doing yard work while my hubby's body rots & decomposes in a casket in the ground"
16 months later & I feel like it is starting all over again. I hate the warm weather because everyone is outside. I just want to hibernate in my house & never come out. But when you have children you are not allowed that option. When will it get easier? I cry & beg God to just bring him home but it still isn't happening. I want to be happy again. I want to live again. I just don't know how to get past this pain. This horrible pain. Eyes burning, puffy & red today as I have been crying for 2 days. Where are you Ted? I need you here with me. You don't belong in Heaven. You belong right here next to me and our son.

Friday Night Trans

So my main vehicle's trans starts acting up, took it in, had to have it rebuilt, cost much more than I can afford but there was no choice. So I picked it up today and as the guy is explaining what they did to it all I could think of was my wonderful husband and if he were here I would not be standing there. He would have done it himself. Of course I started crying & then told the trans shop guy about my husband, his mechanical abilities & that he passed away 13 months ago. To which he replied "Oh I am so sorry. Your pain is still raw" I was surprised. He was actually the 2nd person this week that had that same mentality. The other comment was that it was still fresh. It's nice to know not everyone thinks you get a year to grieve & then you should "be over it". I miss him. Everything about him was perfect. I wish I would have told him more often.

It's Different

I hate New Years. Every year we ring in the New Year and I just never liked it. Change. It's the change into another year. It was bearable with Ted. He made it ok but I still wasn't fond of it. But this year I really felt nothing. It doesn't matter anymore. 2011. 2012. It is all the same. Empty. He is not here. He wasn't here in 2011. he won't be here in 2012. Who cares anymore? I am dealing with the biggest change in my life and a simple tiny thing like changing into another year is nothing. I miss him so much. I hurt for my little boy when he has his meltdowns. He misses his Daddy more than anyone will ever know. I wish I could take his pain away at least. But I can't. He needs to feel it. In order to heal. Even after 12 months and 23 days it still hurts just as bad and still seems like its not real.