6 months backwards

Why am I going backwards? Why is this grief consuming me? Over a week now & I can't take another day. Crying, looking at his picture, hitting myself because I can't take the pain anymore. His garage makes me ache. His things make me sad yet I can't let them be removed. I just feel so lost. Where are you? I asked him this morning as I was driving to work if he could see what he was doing to me. What he did to me by not taking care of himself. By dying! I can't breathe without him. But somehow I know that I am. It's just not fair. I want to move far away. I want to stay here in our home filled with memories. Am I going crazy? Have I already got there? I cry out to Jesus to help me. This pain must be what God felt as He watched His only son being crucified. Just come home Ted. I changed the doorknob & got a new set of keys and for a moment I was worried because if I changed it he wouldn't be able to open the door. But then I thought "he doesn't have his keys anyway. I have them."

Reality FaceBook

I am going to create a new social media connection site for those of us who might sometimes just want to be real & let people know exactly what we are feeling. No more "My son is so great. He got a promotion!" Instead it will be "My son quit his 4th job in 3 months and I am tired of helping to pay his bills to help support him, his wife & 5 kids " Or instead of "I love sitting on my deck watching my hubby do yard work" it will be " I hate doing yard work while my hubby's body rots & decomposes in a casket in the ground"
16 months later & I feel like it is starting all over again. I hate the warm weather because everyone is outside. I just want to hibernate in my house & never come out. But when you have children you are not allowed that option. When will it get easier? I cry & beg God to just bring him home but it still isn't happening. I want to be happy again. I want to live again. I just don't know how to get past this pain. This horrible pain. Eyes burning, puffy & red today as I have been crying for 2 days. Where are you Ted? I need you here with me. You don't belong in Heaven. You belong right here next to me and our son.