Something Different

Different is how the old time wids described their lives to me when I was newly widowed. I hated different then. Couldn't stand it. But now, 2 & 1/2 years later my feelings have changed. Different is good. Different forces you to get out of your comfort zone. Different helps you to see there are other things, people out there besides that which you surround yourself with. I gravitate towards different now. I have a different home. I work in a different job than I've ever had. I dress differently than I used to. My hair is now different. I notice men that are different from the kind of man Ted was. Which I think is good for me. I don't want to be with someone who will remind me of him. I met Ted a long time ago and shortly after I met him, I met another guy who became my friend. But this guy reminded me so much of Ted it was scary. Even down to the way he looked. I think that is why when Ted & I broke up I began dating my friend. I do not want to be laying in bed with someone only to look at their face and see my wonderful, loving husband. And have the grief hit me and knock me down. I do not know how to do this thing called dating. I am finding I am no good at it. I am too self conscious about the way I look, the way I dress, the things I say, to begin to be comfortable. How is this done? How do you get to that place where conversations flow, you have things in common, you can eat messy pizza in front of him, he thinks you look good dressed up or down, you make each other laugh, you want to be there for each other. I am nowhere near ready for marriage. I am perfectly content just seeing who is out there, having a nice time. But it would be nice to have a connection. On an emotional level. I suppose if it is meant to be it will happen. Like Ted. In the meantime I will just ride the grief waves as they come and try to enjoy this different life of mine.