Beautiful

Someone at church tonight sang this beautiful song called By Your Side. It made me cry as I remembered how I "fell in the dead of night" just last night. It was My Lord & Saviour that got me through it.
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Who's Voice Is That?

Had a very bad night last night. The kind where I am crying so hard I get scared because I don't even recognize my own voice. The sobs and screams sound like they belong to another person. It started because I want my 3 chickens back. I was told I couldn't have them because a neighbor complained & they are not allowed in my area. I intend to fight it but all I could picture was my poor 3 chickens who have only known our safe, large coop since they were babies. Locked up in a strange, small place. It feels so empty without them. I feel like I have suffered enough loss. The loss of my husband, the loss of friends, the loss of normalcy. Everything is so busy it feels as if there is not enough time. I still have moments of " Where is he? Is he really dead? How can he be dead?" Last night was bad. Hitting the pillow, feeling like I could hurt myself. Trying to be quiet so I don't wake my precious little boy. Needing to talk to someone. An idea did occur to me. There needs to be a thing like Widow Buddies. Where you get matched up with another widow of similar age, etc. except they will be in a totally different time zone. So you can call them at 1am & not worry about waking them up. As I sat crying I had absolutely no one to call. Everyone was sleeping & I can not bring myself to call & wake someone up. Even though I felt as if my heart was going to stop because my chest hurt so darn bad. So that just makes me even more lonely. If only he were here. So I did what I always do. Began to pray. Begging God to please stop my pain. Let me get my 3 chickens back. Give me the wisdom to help my little boy as he grieves. Just please hold me. Amen.

School starting

Boy where does the time go? How did we get here already? Made it through a vacation without him. Probably helped that I had my parents with us. My son & daughter-in-law with us. And my 5 wonderful grand children with us. It was a great time. Ted never cared too much for going away & doing nothing. He felt if he were going to do nothing he would rather do nothing at home. But I was missing him the day we got to the house we were renting for a week. It was evening and as I was moving beds together for the kids, I was feeling my loss. And then as I moved the bed again, there on the floor was a penny. I knew he was with me. I have been finding pennies for several months now. There was a period of time from when we first met until we actually started dating. 6 years actually. I used to pick up pennies & wish on them. He was always my wish. After we started dating I no longer picked up pennies. I find them now. Not all the time. And not in very obvious places. The first one I found was in front of our garage after all the snow melted. I had shoveled the spot many times thru out the winter right down to the cement. And no one was allowed to be near the garage at the time (fellow widows understand this). I keep all the pennies I find & write down where I found them. They bring me comfort. So I felt like he was right there with me on that vacation. So school is right around the corner & my little boy is actually excited to go for the first time ever. It makes me glad to see him excited.

8 months

It didn't even occur to me that it was 8 months today until I was at the bank getting a certified check to pay the balance on the funeral and I wrote the date wrong on the withdraw slip. I wrote Aug. 10, 2010. I stopped & thought for a second "the 10th is significant" Then it hit me. 8 months exactly. Is this progress that I forgot for a moment? I have not had any real lows in about a week. I feel kind of numb sometimes. There is just so much to do and so many decisions to be made lately I don't have time to let myself cry. I worry I am not facing it though. I don't want to wake up next year and realize I have done no real grief work. I still think about him. I still miss him. I still cry everyday but its brief. 8 months ago it was cold outside. I was getting ready to come home from babysitting the grandkids. Him & Michael were waiting for me at home with Subway. The house was decorated for Christmas. Its hard to put myself back to that time I think because it is a whole different season. I don't know. I just know my life and my families life changed in a matter of seconds. Ted I miss you and love you so much.

Big Black Emptiness

I do not understand what is wrong. I am 7 & 1/2 months out & I thought I was supposed to be getting better. Better at the grief. Better at being a mom. Better at everything. Instead I feel like I am falling into a big black hole of emptiness. I cry all the time. I find no joy in anything. My little boy said to me the other day " All you ever say is you don't feel good". I am so terrified of getting stuck in my grief. I don't want to be a family of 2. I want to be a family of 3! I want to be held. I want to be loved by someone that loves me so much they overlook all my faults. I want to be looked at the way he looked at me. I want to see the beauty in the world around me again. I want this all consuming grief to just go away. It hurts day & night. Every second. I look at his picture & I cry. I think about him & cry. I think about what we had & I cry. I want to be a wife. I want to give my love to my husband. I feel so alone. So crappy. I just want things to be the same.

In the darkness of the night

I never know when the hardest grief will hit me. As the other day on my way to work, an ambulance raced passed me. Then a van passed me, trying to keep up with the ambulance. I immediately said a prayer. Then images of a snowy night in December filled my mind. In my dad's truck. Trying to keep up with the ambulance that had my husbands lifeless body inside. I assume they were still doing cpr. I began crying there on my way to work. Thankfully I was given a message right away by our song coming on the radio that helped me calm down. Then there are other times like last night. As the outside world is dark and quiet. Most are sleeping. I sit on the floor in my living room rocking back and forth. Trying to scream quietly so I don't wake my son. Asking the same question, "Why?" Begging for the same thing "Let him come home".
I got scared last night thinking I might have a heart attack. Pain gripped my chest and all I could think was "This is what dying of a broken heart would feel like". I am so sad and so empty. I have a wonderful family, with grand children here all the time. I have a delightful son. But that emptiness remains. And continues to hurt.

Is This Real?

I am blessed enough to have a job in a rural town. So when I need to go to the post office I lock the door & walk down the street to get the company mail. As I was walking down there today I had the old suffocating feeling start coming in. And my mind began to try and comprehend the thought "How am I able to be walking down this sidewalk and he is gone. Not here. He is not at the store. He is not at work. He is not even in another state or country. He isn't here. Completely gone." This has happened to me many many other times and I think my brain only allows me to try and comprehend it for a while and then it moves on because I just still can't grasp this fact. I know he is gone but to really think about it is so very hard. Over 7 months later and I still have a hard time believing it is real. Will this ever sink in?

What would he do without her?

A year ago my husband came home with a little 8 week old female chocolate lab. I was angry because we already had a 5 year old male boxer and I did not feel like messing with training a puppy. He told me he heard me tell my grandma I was jealous of a cousin who had a female yellow lab because I always wanted one. He said his wife should never have to be jealous and all he could find was a chocolate. Well the pet store would not take her back so I had no choice but to keep her. I clearly see depression in my boxer's eyes now that my husband is gone. When the garage door is opened he runs outside everytime looking at the road. Then he goes and lays down in the garage. He spent a lot of time in there with my husband. I believe he still waits for him to come home. I was watching him play with our lab tonight and I think he would be lost without her. His depression would probably be worse than it is. So once again I am assured that God knows what He is doing. He knew I would not have the mental ability to give my boxer the attention he needed so a little playmate came into the picture. At the time I saw it as a hinderance. Today I am very protective of my little girl Mabel.

What's an extra $9?

I had to go buy a battery for my vehicle today. I had someone help me find the right one and when I went to pay for it they wanted an extra $9 for the core charge. I asked them why they would need that when I was paying $95 for a new battery. They said I could bring my old battery in anytime and get refunded. So of course I started crying. He took care of crap like this. I haven't had to worry about car stuff in 13 years! I refused of course and went home with no battery and decided I will worry about it another day. When I can focus. Which might be never.

I just want to run but where?

I get panic attacks out of the blue sometimes for a reason & sometimes not. I just start feeling like I can't breathe and like I need to go away. Far away from my home home, my neighborhood, my family, my life. Then I just start crying because if he were here I would not be feeling like this. I accomplished nothing today and that makes me feel even worse. Is this how the rest of my life will be like?

So tired of being so tired

I just don't know how much more I can take. I sat on the floor yesterday crying and screaming and pounding the wall as I hugged his boot to my chest. I was thinking today that I need to remind God I already did this alone, no husband, raising a child thing for about 8 years. I am not supposed to be doing it again. I can't believe how fricking lonely I am! And not for anything physical. I miss being part of him. Of a couple. I miss having him here in the house. I HATE this! I just want it to end. I have absolutely no one I can reach out to. When I do they don't answer the phone or they are busy & will call me back. And besides it's not the same. What do I do? How do I go through this? I have to drag my son to counseling tonight & he hates it & frankly so do I. I just want to go back to the way things were. I don't want to do this again. I feel like I have just took 5 steps backward. I wanted to be married to my husband ever since the day I met him. I know I should feel blessed I got 12 years with him. I just want more.

Keeping Busy

Lots of people told me at the funeral to keep busy. It still applies over 6 months later. I can't stand weekends. The days go so slow. I started crying today as my little boy was outside in the chicken coop and as the crying got worse I decided to just go outside and wash the car. I was still sad as I washed but it did keep me busy for a little while. I miss him. I miss laying down with him on a Sunday afternoon to take a nap. I open the garage door everyday just so I can feel like he is out there. When does this end? I don't think it will ever end. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss hearing him talk back. I miss being part of us. So here I am crying again as I type this. I have no one to call. No one to talk to. People have their own families. People are busy. People are sick. Was I too busy for other people before? I hope not. I washed dishes. I swept the floors. I did the laundry. I am running out of things to keep busy with. If he was here I would be letting those things go. I look at the sky all the time trying to find him. I never see him though. It is so hard to think that he is so close yet so far away. I just still want him home.

My old life for just a little while

So I have this car in my garage that needed a motor. I finally found someone to put it in. A good friend of my husbands. He is using our garage & my husbands tools. my son is helping him. The last few weeks when he is out there I can almost feel like it used to be. Then today as he was here & my son was out there with him. My husbands best buddy as our little boy used to call him pulled in & went out in the garage to hang out for a bit. That was a common scene on any day of the week. To drive by our house and see several cars in the driveway, guys hanging out in the garage. It's been nice to hear the occasional clanging of tools. It just hit me today that I am not looking forward to when the car is finished.

Dragging by

No matter how busy I try to stay, there is still so much time that drags by that all i can do is think about how much I miss him. I remember at the funeral people telling me to stay busy. I guess this is the time that I should stay busy. Sometimes there just isn't anything left to do. So I sit and think about him. How he looked. How he talked. How he smelled. And I grieve. I guess this is what I am supposed to do. It takes so much energy though. If he were here right this very minute he would be in his garage working on a car. I might not be talking to him but I would be able to hear the sounds coming from the garage.
So I am making a memorial book for our son. I have written to everyone that came to the funeral and asked them to write down memories they have of him. I think I will pay to have it published. They are slowly tricking in through the mail and I love reading them. What other people remember of him. Or something he said. It keeps him alive. Oh how I miss him!

Storm is coming

I sat on the porch this evening feeling the cool breezes every now & then as the sky grew dark and clouds rolled in. It's funny how everything looks the same but looks different at the same time. I see my husband so clearly still even over 6 months out. I see him walking across the yard. I see him laying under a car. I see him sitting on a tire fixing brakes. I'm glad I can still see him. I hope I can see him this clearly for the rest of my life.

Autopsy

It came in the mail today. The envelope was addressed to MS. I scribbled it out. I am still a Mrs. That is how I feel. I let it sit on the counter for awhile. Everything I read from fellow widows said Do Not Read it Alone if at all. Most everyone regretted reading it. So I eventually opened it. All I read was the first page. He died from Dilated Cardiomyopathy. His poor little heart weighed 800 grams. It said "very enlarged". It also said it deemed it be to be natural causes. I then folded it up, put in back in the envelope & put it in the funeral home bag & put that back in the closet. Now I am crying because it just isn't fair. I sit here now & listen to our precious son playing outside & he is supposed to be here! I don't want to do this anymore. I am tired! I just want to rest!I just want him home!
I have been dreaming and looking for a home with more property for us for the last 4 years. I actually have a chance to get it now and I don't know what to do. He was supposed to be here to enjoy it with us. I miss him. I just miss my husband!

A Glimmer

I actually had a glimmer today. Of a future. And maybe the contentment I once had. I was at work and a customer came by to show my boss his new Harley Davidson Road King he purchased about a week ago. I was the one who changed his policy and sent him his proofs. So I walked outside with him and my boss and told him what a beautiful bike it was and exclaimed over this & that. They went inside in the back office and I got ready to leave. My boss has a prayer with me each morning before we start work and each afternoon before I leave. It was my turn to pray so I did. As I walked out the door I could hear them talking about guns and I looked at his bike sitting in the parking lot. The little bench by our door. The flowers planted in the flower boxes. The little town that surrounds my work. And I actually had a fleeting thought of myself, older, sitting with clients I know. Chatting about this or that. I was actually grateful for the little town I am blessed to live in and work in. Although the feeling was fleeting, it was nice while it lasted.

I hurt

I sit here today, as the kids play outside, on a beautiful summer day, crying. I look at his picture and I just can't breathe. I miss him so much my chest hurts. My stomach hurts. My face hurts. I need him. I need him so much. Just to be sitting in another room. I don't care. Even if he is out in the garage. Just to be here, breathing with me. I can't do this for another 5, 10 or 40 years without him. I don't want to. Am I supposed to never look at his pictures? I have to. I need to. Oh this is the worst pain I have ever felt. I miss you Ted. Please come home to me.

Adapting

I think the word adapt fits the best for me and what is going on in my life. I hate the phrases "moving on" "going forward" "new life", etc. I want my life to stay the same. As it was when he was here. But I realize it can't. So I feel like I am adapting. I'm not changing. I'm not moving forward. I'm not creating a new life. I am making things in my life fit together by modification. 6 months have passed and I still hate the way things are. I still cry and try to wish him home. I still ache inside so bad it feels like my heart will explode. I still sleep with his not washed pajama shorts under my pillow. Oh how I miss him!

It's Ready

After waiting six long months. After calling several times a week. Only to hear "It's still pending". His autopsy is finished. I wasn't expecting it to be. It took me by surprise and gave me a sick feeling in my stomach when he said "If you want a copy you need to...". I have just been feeling sick and panicky ever since. Why? I don't know. I still have such a hard time most days wrapping my brain around the fact that he is gone. When I start to think of the events of that night and how he looked sitting in the chair. How he looked laying on the floor as the EMT's cut his shirt open, I allow my mind to turn from it. Which I know is not healthy. I am just so tired of missing him. Of hurting for him. I just want to lay down and be with him. But I don't. Michael needs me. The grand kids need me. Jason & Tiffany need me. So I keep going. The next thing I am waiting for is his headstone to be placed. That will be the last thing. Why did this have to happen? I hang on to Isaiah 41:10.