Cooking for two

It is so hard to actually cook anything but it makes it even harder now that it is just Michael & I. And I don't even actually cook. I only have recently been making things like mac & cheese, spagetti. Usually it is frozen pizza or soup. Which is fine with Michael. Tonight we are having baked potatos. Ted loved them and after he came home from the hospital it was the only thing that had 0 of all the things he should not have. So we ate them ALOT. If I didn't make them, when we sat down to eat he would say "Michael, do you know what would go really good with this? A baked potato!" After about the 4th time of saying this Michael started saying it. I miss him so much. I walk through the house and can almost see him in the rooms. I say "If Ted were home he would be doing...." I don't understand. I really don't. I will keep trusting God & try to remember He knows what is best. He knew Ted was the best for me at the time he came into my life. It doesn't take this horrendous pain away though. XOXO Ted!

So tired

I just don't want to do this anymore. He was supposed to be here. For all of this. Michael has always hated school but it is even worse now. Everyday he begs me to homeschool him. Imagine that! A little 3rd grader hating school this much. He says his row blames him if they don't get a point for something. Today at lunch & recess he had 2 people tell him at different times he was in the wrong line. He said he almost started to cry. Later the teacher told the class to line up & he wanted to get his crayon & another kid told him to get in line. Then there's the lunch aide who tells him almost everyday he is not allowed to sit at the finishing table to finish his lunch because he had plenty of time. He said she tells him "No you're done. You're done Michael" when he starts to head to the finishing table. See I know he is a slow eater. His dad & I struggled with this forever. But I am so tired of seeing my little boy hate school this much. Can't this lady give him some slack? He has been crying ever since he got home. I try to comfort him but my grief comes surging out and I know that will not help him, all he wants is to be homeschooled. He doesn't want to go to group counseling which we will start soon. I know he probably just had a bad day and he is reminded everyday that his Daddy is no longer here. I just wish it wasn't so hard. I need him so much right now.He always knew what to tell Michael to help him feel better. My insides feel so messed up. I feel like I could just throw up. I want my husband home.

When he gets called back

I have several projects I had been putting off and was waiting until Ted had got called back to work. Mostly so we would have money for them but also so I could complete them while the house was empty. I guess I can start my projects as he won't be going back to work.
After such a good day yesterday it all came crumbling down with a phone call. From someone in my family who made some comments that brought me to tears. So I had about a half hour of feeling that pain & crying until I had to compose myself & get Michael to get out of the tub so he could get ready for bed. We widows have a name for people like that. They are called DGI's. Don't Get It's. But I forced myself to play three games with Michael & it was so good to see him really laughing out loud. We enjoyed ourselves so much.
I wanted to get more done today but didn't. I did manage to make a cake for some dear friends of Ted & I's & went to visit them. I stayed two hours and had a very nice time. We cried a lot but it was good to remember Ted with someone else. Just like the other day when the preacher was here out of the blue he asked me how I met Ted. It felt so wonderful to share that. I like to talk about him. It makes me feel better. I miss him so very much.

The human touch

It is amazing how one simple hearfelt hug can make you feel so much better. I miss everything about my husband and when you go from being touched everyday to nothing it does something to you. Hugs from my little boy are not the same as a hug from someone who truly loves you and understands you. I had a visit from a pastor of a church I had been to a few times & where I was planning on attending regularly with my husband after the holidays. He brought his mother in law who lost her husband (who was a preacher) 10 years ago. It was so nice to hug her but thats not the hug I was talking about. But it helped me a lot to talk to her. I had been going to a church for 10 years, raised my 8 year old in this church, they were great for Ted's funeral, planned a dinner afterwards, just great. But I had already been wanting to leave for many reasons. Ted wasn't getting anything from the preaching, there were people that joined recently that were from my past & it was uncomfortable, among other reasons. But a week after the funeral no one was calling. No one was coming over. I tried to go to the other church where I was going to go anyway but I just sat & cried in the service. It just was too much to be around people. So I have been sitting at home. The last few weeks Michael has been begging to go back to the church he was raised in. I knew God was letting me know it is time to get back in there. I didn't just attend church. I participated. I went soul winning, I taught, made bulletins, cleaned, whatever the church needed. So I went to 2 Wed. evening services at a church I had once went to when I was a teen. I liked it. They had a class for Michael. The people were nice. The preaching was good. So I went to the 11am service today with Michael & one of my grandkids. It was nice. He preached from Genesis 15:11 where Abram had set up an altar & the fowls were coming & how he drove them away. How we need to drive away the fowls in our life. Then he said God loves you & if there is something happening in your life now remember God cried & was grieving when His son hung on the cross. By the time the altar call was made I was a wreck. I walked down that aisle & kneeled at the altar & just sobbed my heart out to God. And then something happened that never happened to me before. Something I needed so badly right now. I suddenly felt hands. Lots of them. On my back. On my head. I heard voices. Crying & praying. Asking, begging God to help me. Help my son. Take this pain & grief away. To see me through it. It was the best feeling I have had in a very long time. Well, since the night Ted died. As we were all watching tv & eating our subway all my husband was concerned about was that he picked out the right stuff for my sub. He loved me so much. But I know God loves me more as hard as that is to believe. So I got up from that altar with snot on my face & tears in my eyes & this woman who I had only met 2 other times wrapped her arms around me & I just didn't want to let go. It felt so good. I could feel the love pouring out of her. It was wonderful. I know I have a long way to go but it felt so good to be doing what I have always done for the last 10 years. Serving the Lord. I know Ted would not want me to be sitting in our house day in and day out. So I just did something else that feels right. I deactivated my facebook account. All I do is sit & get depressed as I read others posts on how great & normal their lives are. I didn't need facebook when he was alive & I don't need it now.
So I am waiting for michael to come home & we will read & maybe play a game & I will get him tucked in & wait for the new season of the Apprentice to come on. One of Ted & I's favorite shows. I will light his candle & we will watch it together. I love you my Ted.

Thank you Ted & Webkinz

So my little one came home from school & wanted to play on the computer with his Webkinz. He asked if we could go to the store and get him another Webkinz. He had money saved & I told him we were going to go to the movie night at school & we could go to the store tomorrow & buy his Webkinz. Well, he say he doesn't know & maybe he wants to get his Webkinz today. I told him it was up to him. So he asked his Dad & his Dad said W. which stands for Webkinz. We went & bought a few things, he spent the rest of his gift card, I bought the movie Hotel For Dogs, we came home, ordered pizza & watched it. I think he enjoyed it.
Yes my 8 year old asks his Dad things. I told this to my mom & she said "Does he think he really hears his Dads voice?" I told her I didn't know & I didn't care. As long as it never ever stops. He doesn't have conversations but if he can't decide on something, he asks his Dad. I think he hears his Dads voice because yesterday when he asked Daddy what he should do, go to the school or go buy his Webkinz, he said it didn't sound like his Dad's voice, it was a lady's voice. But at the store he could not decide which Webkinz to buy so he narrowed it down to two & he asked his Dad & he said Daddy said to get the rooster. I love this. I wish I could hear him. I have had lots of communication from him in the form of numbers, songs, dreams but the one I love the best was my roses he picked for me for Valentines Day. I knew if he was alive I would have told him to get me 13 roses because this year we would have celebrated our 13 year anniversary of our first date which was on Valentines Day. He first got in touch with me (after years of not seeing each other) the day before which was Friday the 13th, we were married on Nov. 13, so our lucky number is 13. So I decided to buy my own. I went to Meijer & saw they had single ones & bouquets of a dozen. So I started looking at the bouquets trying to find one that looked nice & healthy. My eyes kept being drawn to a certain bouquet so after a minute I picked it up. I am frugal & want my moneys worth so I counted them to make sure there were 12. Well there wasn't. There were 13. I counted those flowers at least 4 times. Then I thought maybe they started putting 13 roses in all of them. Kind of like a bakers dozen. So I counted 2 other bouquets & there were only 12. So I knew they were from him. A lot of people would say it was just a coincidence. I might have said that too before he died. But not now. I take any kind of comfort I can get from him.

Movie Night

I am really going to give it my best effort. Michael wants to go to Movie Night at school tonight. I am already starting to feel the panic. I just have a hard time being around people. Especially families. Ones that have a mom and a dad. I love the people at his school. They have all been so supportive & are the greatest group of teachers & staff & some of the moms & I have formed real connections over the years. But I cry so easily & I don't want to do that to Michael. He sees me cry here at home but I know he would get embarrassed if I did it at school. The thing is if Ted were alive we would not be going. We usually had our own family movie night on Fridays. The movie they are playing is Hotel For Dogs. It holds special memories for Michael. His Dad took him to see it. They saw a lot of movies just the two of them. But this one time they were the only two in the whole theater. Michael said they sat up at the top & his Dad let him stand on the seat & he was trying to reach the light from the projector. Ted loved him so much. So I will do my best to sit at the school for 2 hours tonight & watch this movie with my special little boy & try really hard to hold it all in.
There is a spot on his grave that is caving in. I asked him if he was trying to get out. I usually don't think about him being right under my feet. But today, in the rain, I could not get the thought out of my head that his body is literally just a few feet under me. I just miss touching him. Feeling him. This just isn't fair. It's not supposed to be like this. I just want to close my eyes. 12 weeks today. Even after 11 years of marriage I would still catch him just looking at me. I am starting to look at myself again. Just for brief glimpses. I can't believe how much death ages you. I look so old. I just want you home Ted. I love you.

Rough Day

I sit here listening to my I Can Help song over & over. It was a bad bad day today. The big grief monster comes at you out of nowhere at the most unexpected times. Today was a lay on the floor screaming kind of day. I just could not escape it. I don't recognize my own voice when this happens. I feel bad for my dogs. They get so upset & afraid when I crumble like that. I just don't know how I can keep going. I know I have to. I just hurt so bad. I am so tired & yet I sit here at this stupid computer when I know I should go to bed. I posted a video of him on facebook I keep waiting to see who has watched it. It makes me angry that few people have. I don't want him to be forgotten. I want, I need for people to see how important & loved he is. WHERE IS EVERYONE??????????????? I come home from somewhere & look to see if the red light is flashing on the phone.It never is. I check my cell phone every now & then to see if I have missed any calls. But no one calls. But as soon as the phone does ring I automatically shut off the emotions. I even get an attitude with some people. Grief makes you absolutely crazy. I ask Ted what he would be doing if it would have been me that died. How would you be holding up? This isn't supposed to be my life. Even after 12 weeks I still just seem to beg God to just bring him home even though I know it's not possible. I really should be wearing black. That is how I feel. BLACK. I go to his grave M - F. As I am kneeling there by his small plaque that says his name & I am crying I often feel like I am in a movie. That is a scene you would see in a fricking movie!!!!!!!! It's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE REAL LIFE!!!!! Or at least not mine. I miss you Ted. I love you so much.

I Can Help

I was 6 years old in 1974 & my Dad, Mom,sister & I were going to my grandparents house up north. It was night & we were all in the front cab of the truck. I was sleeping on blankets on the floor. I remember seeing the glow of the dashboard lights. The song I Can Help by Billy Swan was playing on the radio. I felt so safe & secure. When I hear that song I go back to that night as the wheels of the truck hummed on the pavement & I was curled up in blankets safe with my family. The words spoke to me years ago when I was divorced & raising my older son but I didn't know many years later the words would have so much more meaning to me.
I ache all over. I don't know if this is from little to no activity or a symptom of grief but I my body hurts so bad. I feel like I could lay down in bed & just not get up for a very long time. Hire someone to take care of everything. I feel as if I am slipping into that fog again.
I picked up his jacket from the cleaners today. I found it in the garage attic, torn in a few places & did not trust myself to repair it. I wonder when I stopped wearing it. I think it still hung in the house in 2004 but I can't remember. It felt good to put it on. I miss him so much.

Sleeping with Serious Sam

Back in 2001 when I was about 7 months pregnant, we had to change the computer room into a nursery so the computer stuff had to come into our room. It was a bit cramped but I remember many nights laying in bed feeling my little Michael kicking & moving as I listened to Ted playing one of his favorite games Serious Sam. Now I know gunfire isn't too soothing but the sounds of this particular game were somehow soothing to me and many times lulled me to sleep. I guess there was just this feeling of security. Togetherness. So I bought myself an mp3 player, downloaded Serious Sam sounds from YouTube & loaded them on my player. I got to fall asleep last night listening to them. I also loaded something from Tomb Raider since that was his all time favorite game. And the theme from The Good, The Bad, The Ugly since he loved Clint Eastwood & could practically repeat all of his movies word for word. Boy I miss that man.
On a happier note I spent an hour yesterday & an hour today on the phone with medical providers. Some of the bills he had were going into collections so I figured it was time to tell them he was no longer here. Most of them were nice. Only one told me there was nothing that could be done & it would go into collections. Only 8 wanted me to send the death certificate. So it feels like I accomplished a lot.

Quiet

It seems so much more quiet. No noise from the tv or a zombie computer game, or car engines revving in the garage or laughter as Michael & his Dad play wrestle. Too quiet. I long for the phone to ring but when it finally does I do not want to talk. It is not the person I wish it were. So many things to do still & no motivation to do it. I wish this stupid snow would melt. I long for spring. Then I wonder how will I face all the things of spring without him. I still feel lost. I want to go back in time. If only. I have the task of ordering his headstone very soon. So it can be placed soon. Everytime I go there & see his name in black letters on the small sign from the funeral home it just doesn't seem real. I always loved his name. He told me once a long time ago he didn't like his name. Because it didn't do anything. It just sat there. I miss him so much.

Too Sad??????

How can I get too sad if I watch home movies & look at pictures of my deceased husband? I don't even understand what too sad means. I am already WAYYYYYYYYY past "too sad". I am too sad every time I go to the grocery store & see the foods I used to buy him. I am too sad when I go to a department store & see clothes I would have bought him. I am too sad when I drive on the same road we drove on together. Which by the way is every road. I am too sad when I am in our home. I am too sad when I am away from our home. I am too sad when I drive his vehicle. I am too sad when I look at his vehicle. Tell me please what I CAN DO that I WON'T be TOO SAD???? 11 weeks ago at exactly this time he was on the floor in our livingroom as paramedics were trying to revive him. He was already gone. I was screaming, crying, praying, begging God to please not take my husband away. Oh I miss you Ted & I am more than too sad without you.

Do I care about your happiness?

I know it sounds awful & I actually feel bad but I really don't care to hear about your good fortune. Whether it's a winnings from a casino, an unexpected trip from your husband or a new fricking love in your life! Why do people think I want to hear about it? My husband is DEAD! I deal with crap every day regarding his death. Today I had to spend time on the phone with paypal to get his account closed & his funds in his account sent to me. It is just one more reminder that he is gone. I do not have good fortunes right now. I do not want to hear about yours. Sorry if this makes me rude & insensitive. But I think I have a right to feel this way. I miss him so much.

Melted snow

The yard is almost completely empty of snow. The grass is visible & there are huge puddles everywhere. I walk around looking for something. Maybe something he dropped in the yard back in October or November. Just something. Went to the library yesterday. I started crying thinking of all the times I took Michael to story time & Ted was always there at home when we got back. He wasn't home when we got back yesterday. It makes me so sad. I just wish he was here physically. Everyday I wish this. I miss my husband.

13th anniversary

It was 13 years ago today when I heard a knock on my door. I had no idea that knock would be the start of a wonderful life with my soul mate. It just was supposed to last longer. I was going to wash his glass today. I carried it in the kitchen & made it to the dishwasher but just couldn't bring myself to put it in there. So I wrapped it up and put it away in a drawer. I feel like it was a huge step for me. I still wish he was here to drink from that glass and it still hurts every second of the day. But his glass is gone.

Where/Who am I?

I just can't take much more. The screaming and crying are beginning to make my throat burn. I wasn't able to go to the cemetary today as I do everyday M-F. The stupid door latch on the car wouldn't work so I had to drive all the way home from the school holding the door closed. I tried fixing it like I did before but it would not work. I came in the house & fell on the floor screaming. Using cuss words I have not used or said in 10 years. I just hate who I am. I hate where I am. Where exactly am I? I don't know where to turn. Who to call. So many things. I am neglecting everything. I moved the kitchen table around thinking it might help if it was different. All it did was let a rush of memories come flooding in of all the dinners we had all 3 together when the table was like that. We were predictable. We all had our own place we sat at. Predictable was good. I knew what he wanted before he even said anything. I knew when he called me by a certain name what kind of mood he was in. I miss him so bad. I just keep repeating the same thing over & over. I WANT HIM TO COME HOME!

I am lost

I just feel so lost. Like the world is so huge. I still see people going about their lives like all is well and I just wish mine was the way it used to be. I find myself wishing I could go back to Feb. 13, 1998 when he knocked on my door. Or even Dec. 10, 2010. I would have tried something. Anything. I saw a man today that looked so much like him. I wanted so very badly to just go up to him and ask him to give me a hug. I miss my husband so much. I just can't believe sometimes this is happening. I truly did know I was going to marry him the first time I met him. I know there are a lot of people who don't believe in that stuff. But I knew it. It was a gut feeling I had. It was in May 1991. I needed tires for my car. He worked at a junkyard & helped me find tires. He was so handsome. I just knew he was the one for me. I feel so tired all the time. And my body feels heavy. As if I have weights on. Why? Why? Why? I need him.

Evaporated

His glass still sits on his nightstand after 6 weeks and 4 days. Except it was half full when he died and the water has evaporated. It's gone. Like him. It hit me this morning as I sat & waited for my little boy to get ready for school, Ted is never going to walk through the door ever again. I will never see him walk across the yard. Never see him build a fire out back. Never sit and watch a movie with him. never rub his feet. Never hug him. I know I will see him again but it hurts so bad to know I don't know when that will be. I wanted him so bad and finally after 7 years I got him. Now to only have had him for 12 years & 9 months & 27 days it just doesn't seem fair. I just still want him home. I miss you so much.

4 weeks or 1 month

It has been 4 weeks today since he passed away. Why is it when I say 4 weeks it sounds like a short time. But if I say 1 month it sounds longer. They are both the same amount of time. Everyday is still a struggle but there is so many things to occupy my mind. Insurance, cars need to be fixed, mortgages, dogs need to be fed, fixed, flead, child needs to practice multiplication, book reports due, etc, etc, etc,. So I guess the to do lists help me to focus somewhat. Ted told me once that he had come over before & I wasn't home & I used to keep my trash cans on my enclosed porch. They didn't have lids & he noticed crumpled up paper on top so he looked at some of the papers. He thought maybe I had lost my mind because there were several lists that had things like: get groceries, go to bank, return movies, pick up cat food, etc. He was never a To Do List person. Me, the times I don't have a to do list, I feel unraveled & unorganized. I miss you Ted.

How do I keep going?

I know I have to but I just don't know that I can. I think I am on autopilot. I do because I have to. I can't stand the fact that I can't touch you everyday. Or smell you. Or feel you. Or hear you. It just isn't fair. I just keep asking God to just bring you home. Why? I was supposed to be married to you forever, not just 11 years. I was supposed to be taking care of you right now. I miss you so much. I screamed & hit a pillow on the floor today.My hear just hurts so bad. I just want you home. I love you Ted Hightower

Forever Mrs. Ted Hightower

My husband of 11 years passed away on December 10. I don't know who I am. I have not looked at myself since then and I think I know why now. I will only see half of me. Part of me will be missing. The grief counselor asked me what the most difficult thing was and I said having the feeling that it was a dream. But as I pulled in the driveway later that day I realized the most difficult thing is coming home and knowing he will not be there or he won't be in his garage. I am 42 and he was just 44 years old. Our precious 8 year old son has helped me more than he will ever know. I just miss you so much Ted and I just want you home with me.