Rough Day

I sit here listening to my I Can Help song over & over. It was a bad bad day today. The big grief monster comes at you out of nowhere at the most unexpected times. Today was a lay on the floor screaming kind of day. I just could not escape it. I don't recognize my own voice when this happens. I feel bad for my dogs. They get so upset & afraid when I crumble like that. I just don't know how I can keep going. I know I have to. I just hurt so bad. I am so tired & yet I sit here at this stupid computer when I know I should go to bed. I posted a video of him on facebook I keep waiting to see who has watched it. It makes me angry that few people have. I don't want him to be forgotten. I want, I need for people to see how important & loved he is. WHERE IS EVERYONE??????????????? I come home from somewhere & look to see if the red light is flashing on the phone.It never is. I check my cell phone every now & then to see if I have missed any calls. But no one calls. But as soon as the phone does ring I automatically shut off the emotions. I even get an attitude with some people. Grief makes you absolutely crazy. I ask Ted what he would be doing if it would have been me that died. How would you be holding up? This isn't supposed to be my life. Even after 12 weeks I still just seem to beg God to just bring him home even though I know it's not possible. I really should be wearing black. That is how I feel. BLACK. I go to his grave M - F. As I am kneeling there by his small plaque that says his name & I am crying I often feel like I am in a movie. That is a scene you would see in a fricking movie!!!!!!!! It's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE REAL LIFE!!!!! Or at least not mine. I miss you Ted. I love you so much.