In the garage

I went out to the garage to cry. Michael gets sad now if he sees me cry and it bothers him he said. So I went out to the garage. It was his garage. It is all his things in there. I just hate this life I have. I want my old one back. I want him home here with me. It just isn't fair. Will I ever think otherwise? I feel so empty. I try to put on a smile and laugh for my sons, my grandchildren. But that is what it is. Fake. I feel nothing except a huge hole in my insides. I want to hit things. Throw things. I kicked the tire on a car while I was in the garage. I realized he had just that very day he died filled up his can of kerosene. And filled up his heater. They both sit there full. He will never use them. How do I keep going? How? Sometimes I feel like I could go crazy. When I see my little boy upset over his Daddy & frustrated, sometimes he will grab his hair or cheeks. I know just how he feels because I do the same. I just feel like I could cry forever & it would not be enough. We are both in counseling now so hopefully that will help some. In the meantime I just keep reminding myself to breathe.