Movie Night

I am really going to give it my best effort. Michael wants to go to Movie Night at school tonight. I am already starting to feel the panic. I just have a hard time being around people. Especially families. Ones that have a mom and a dad. I love the people at his school. They have all been so supportive & are the greatest group of teachers & staff & some of the moms & I have formed real connections over the years. But I cry so easily & I don't want to do that to Michael. He sees me cry here at home but I know he would get embarrassed if I did it at school. The thing is if Ted were alive we would not be going. We usually had our own family movie night on Fridays. The movie they are playing is Hotel For Dogs. It holds special memories for Michael. His Dad took him to see it. They saw a lot of movies just the two of them. But this one time they were the only two in the whole theater. Michael said they sat up at the top & his Dad let him stand on the seat & he was trying to reach the light from the projector. Ted loved him so much. So I will do my best to sit at the school for 2 hours tonight & watch this movie with my special little boy & try really hard to hold it all in.
There is a spot on his grave that is caving in. I asked him if he was trying to get out. I usually don't think about him being right under my feet. But today, in the rain, I could not get the thought out of my head that his body is literally just a few feet under me. I just miss touching him. Feeling him. This just isn't fair. It's not supposed to be like this. I just want to close my eyes. 12 weeks today. Even after 11 years of marriage I would still catch him just looking at me. I am starting to look at myself again. Just for brief glimpses. I can't believe how much death ages you. I look so old. I just want you home Ted. I love you.