It is amazing how one simple hearfelt hug can make you feel so much better. I miss everything about my husband and when you go from being touched everyday to nothing it does something to you. Hugs from my little boy are not the same as a hug from someone who truly loves you and understands you. I had a visit from a pastor of a church I had been to a few times & where I was planning on attending regularly with my husband after the holidays. He brought his mother in law who lost her husband (who was a preacher) 10 years ago. It was so nice to hug her but thats not the hug I was talking about. But it helped me a lot to talk to her. I had been going to a church for 10 years, raised my 8 year old in this church, they were great for Ted's funeral, planned a dinner afterwards, just great. But I had already been wanting to leave for many reasons. Ted wasn't getting anything from the preaching, there were people that joined recently that were from my past & it was uncomfortable, among other reasons. But a week after the funeral no one was calling. No one was coming over. I tried to go to the other church where I was going to go anyway but I just sat & cried in the service. It just was too much to be around people. So I have been sitting at home. The last few weeks Michael has been begging to go back to the church he was raised in. I knew God was letting me know it is time to get back in there. I didn't just attend church. I participated. I went soul winning, I taught, made bulletins, cleaned, whatever the church needed. So I went to 2 Wed. evening services at a church I had once went to when I was a teen. I liked it. They had a class for Michael. The people were nice. The preaching was good. So I went to the 11am service today with Michael & one of my grandkids. It was nice. He preached from Genesis 15:11 where Abram had set up an altar & the fowls were coming & how he drove them away. How we need to drive away the fowls in our life. Then he said God loves you & if there is something happening in your life now remember God cried & was grieving when His son hung on the cross. By the time the altar call was made I was a wreck. I walked down that aisle & kneeled at the altar & just sobbed my heart out to God. And then something happened that never happened to me before. Something I needed so badly right now. I suddenly felt hands. Lots of them. On my back. On my head. I heard voices. Crying & praying. Asking, begging God to help me. Help my son. Take this pain & grief away. To see me through it. It was the best feeling I have had in a very long time. Well, since the night Ted died. As we were all watching tv & eating our subway all my husband was concerned about was that he picked out the right stuff for my sub. He loved me so much. But I know God loves me more as hard as that is to believe. So I got up from that altar with snot on my face & tears in my eyes & this woman who I had only met 2 other times wrapped her arms around me & I just didn't want to let go. It felt so good. I could feel the love pouring out of her. It was wonderful. I know I have a long way to go but it felt so good to be doing what I have always done for the last 10 years. Serving the Lord. I know Ted would not want me to be sitting in our house day in and day out. So I just did something else that feels right. I deactivated my facebook account. All I do is sit & get depressed as I read others posts on how great & normal their lives are. I didn't need facebook when he was alive & I don't need it now.
So I am waiting for michael to come home & we will read & maybe play a game & I will get him tucked in & wait for the new season of the Apprentice to come on. One of Ted & I's favorite shows. I will light his candle & we will watch it together. I love you my Ted.
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