I just want to run but where?

I get panic attacks out of the blue sometimes for a reason & sometimes not. I just start feeling like I can't breathe and like I need to go away. Far away from my home home, my neighborhood, my family, my life. Then I just start crying because if he were here I would not be feeling like this. I accomplished nothing today and that makes me feel even worse. Is this how the rest of my life will be like?

So tired of being so tired

I just don't know how much more I can take. I sat on the floor yesterday crying and screaming and pounding the wall as I hugged his boot to my chest. I was thinking today that I need to remind God I already did this alone, no husband, raising a child thing for about 8 years. I am not supposed to be doing it again. I can't believe how fricking lonely I am! And not for anything physical. I miss being part of him. Of a couple. I miss having him here in the house. I HATE this! I just want it to end. I have absolutely no one I can reach out to. When I do they don't answer the phone or they are busy & will call me back. And besides it's not the same. What do I do? How do I go through this? I have to drag my son to counseling tonight & he hates it & frankly so do I. I just want to go back to the way things were. I don't want to do this again. I feel like I have just took 5 steps backward. I wanted to be married to my husband ever since the day I met him. I know I should feel blessed I got 12 years with him. I just want more.

Keeping Busy

Lots of people told me at the funeral to keep busy. It still applies over 6 months later. I can't stand weekends. The days go so slow. I started crying today as my little boy was outside in the chicken coop and as the crying got worse I decided to just go outside and wash the car. I was still sad as I washed but it did keep me busy for a little while. I miss him. I miss laying down with him on a Sunday afternoon to take a nap. I open the garage door everyday just so I can feel like he is out there. When does this end? I don't think it will ever end. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss hearing him talk back. I miss being part of us. So here I am crying again as I type this. I have no one to call. No one to talk to. People have their own families. People are busy. People are sick. Was I too busy for other people before? I hope not. I washed dishes. I swept the floors. I did the laundry. I am running out of things to keep busy with. If he was here I would be letting those things go. I look at the sky all the time trying to find him. I never see him though. It is so hard to think that he is so close yet so far away. I just still want him home.

My old life for just a little while

So I have this car in my garage that needed a motor. I finally found someone to put it in. A good friend of my husbands. He is using our garage & my husbands tools. my son is helping him. The last few weeks when he is out there I can almost feel like it used to be. Then today as he was here & my son was out there with him. My husbands best buddy as our little boy used to call him pulled in & went out in the garage to hang out for a bit. That was a common scene on any day of the week. To drive by our house and see several cars in the driveway, guys hanging out in the garage. It's been nice to hear the occasional clanging of tools. It just hit me today that I am not looking forward to when the car is finished.

Dragging by

No matter how busy I try to stay, there is still so much time that drags by that all i can do is think about how much I miss him. I remember at the funeral people telling me to stay busy. I guess this is the time that I should stay busy. Sometimes there just isn't anything left to do. So I sit and think about him. How he looked. How he talked. How he smelled. And I grieve. I guess this is what I am supposed to do. It takes so much energy though. If he were here right this very minute he would be in his garage working on a car. I might not be talking to him but I would be able to hear the sounds coming from the garage.
So I am making a memorial book for our son. I have written to everyone that came to the funeral and asked them to write down memories they have of him. I think I will pay to have it published. They are slowly tricking in through the mail and I love reading them. What other people remember of him. Or something he said. It keeps him alive. Oh how I miss him!

Storm is coming

I sat on the porch this evening feeling the cool breezes every now & then as the sky grew dark and clouds rolled in. It's funny how everything looks the same but looks different at the same time. I see my husband so clearly still even over 6 months out. I see him walking across the yard. I see him laying under a car. I see him sitting on a tire fixing brakes. I'm glad I can still see him. I hope I can see him this clearly for the rest of my life.

Autopsy

It came in the mail today. The envelope was addressed to MS. I scribbled it out. I am still a Mrs. That is how I feel. I let it sit on the counter for awhile. Everything I read from fellow widows said Do Not Read it Alone if at all. Most everyone regretted reading it. So I eventually opened it. All I read was the first page. He died from Dilated Cardiomyopathy. His poor little heart weighed 800 grams. It said "very enlarged". It also said it deemed it be to be natural causes. I then folded it up, put in back in the envelope & put it in the funeral home bag & put that back in the closet. Now I am crying because it just isn't fair. I sit here now & listen to our precious son playing outside & he is supposed to be here! I don't want to do this anymore. I am tired! I just want to rest!I just want him home!
I have been dreaming and looking for a home with more property for us for the last 4 years. I actually have a chance to get it now and I don't know what to do. He was supposed to be here to enjoy it with us. I miss him. I just miss my husband!

A Glimmer

I actually had a glimmer today. Of a future. And maybe the contentment I once had. I was at work and a customer came by to show my boss his new Harley Davidson Road King he purchased about a week ago. I was the one who changed his policy and sent him his proofs. So I walked outside with him and my boss and told him what a beautiful bike it was and exclaimed over this & that. They went inside in the back office and I got ready to leave. My boss has a prayer with me each morning before we start work and each afternoon before I leave. It was my turn to pray so I did. As I walked out the door I could hear them talking about guns and I looked at his bike sitting in the parking lot. The little bench by our door. The flowers planted in the flower boxes. The little town that surrounds my work. And I actually had a fleeting thought of myself, older, sitting with clients I know. Chatting about this or that. I was actually grateful for the little town I am blessed to live in and work in. Although the feeling was fleeting, it was nice while it lasted.

I hurt

I sit here today, as the kids play outside, on a beautiful summer day, crying. I look at his picture and I just can't breathe. I miss him so much my chest hurts. My stomach hurts. My face hurts. I need him. I need him so much. Just to be sitting in another room. I don't care. Even if he is out in the garage. Just to be here, breathing with me. I can't do this for another 5, 10 or 40 years without him. I don't want to. Am I supposed to never look at his pictures? I have to. I need to. Oh this is the worst pain I have ever felt. I miss you Ted. Please come home to me.

Adapting

I think the word adapt fits the best for me and what is going on in my life. I hate the phrases "moving on" "going forward" "new life", etc. I want my life to stay the same. As it was when he was here. But I realize it can't. So I feel like I am adapting. I'm not changing. I'm not moving forward. I'm not creating a new life. I am making things in my life fit together by modification. 6 months have passed and I still hate the way things are. I still cry and try to wish him home. I still ache inside so bad it feels like my heart will explode. I still sleep with his not washed pajama shorts under my pillow. Oh how I miss him!

It's Ready

After waiting six long months. After calling several times a week. Only to hear "It's still pending". His autopsy is finished. I wasn't expecting it to be. It took me by surprise and gave me a sick feeling in my stomach when he said "If you want a copy you need to...". I have just been feeling sick and panicky ever since. Why? I don't know. I still have such a hard time most days wrapping my brain around the fact that he is gone. When I start to think of the events of that night and how he looked sitting in the chair. How he looked laying on the floor as the EMT's cut his shirt open, I allow my mind to turn from it. Which I know is not healthy. I am just so tired of missing him. Of hurting for him. I just want to lay down and be with him. But I don't. Michael needs me. The grand kids need me. Jason & Tiffany need me. So I keep going. The next thing I am waiting for is his headstone to be placed. That will be the last thing. Why did this have to happen? I hang on to Isaiah 41:10.

Coaster Ride called Grief

Who knew a little piece of plastic would one day make me feel happy & sad at the same time. I finally applied & bought a health plan for myself. It was such a relief to finally get it and know if I get sick I am covered. When he was alive it didn't seem to matter much. But now that my child only has one of us left to depend on it seems very important. The card looks identical to the cards we had from his employer health plan. Then it hits me. The name on the card is mine. Not his. Like it always was before. He will never be on this plan with me. He isn't here anymore.
I hate weekends now. All around me neighbors are having parties. Families together. I still don't know why he had to die. Why such a good man. Such a good husband. Such a good father. I know I will not understand it in this lifetime. I feel so alone. But I know I am not. My Lord Jesus always picks me up after I get it all out. He dries my tears. He tells me I can go one more step. And I do.

Where are you?

A new job, new choices, decisions to be made without you. I sit here crying wondering Where are you? I seem to do ok for a few days, sometimes even a week. With few tears and actually thinking of other things. But something ALWAYS brings me back eventually. And then I just can't stand life anymore. I don't want to be here without you. You were supposed to be here when Michael finally got his chickens he's been begging us for the last 2 years! You were supposed to be here when we put up our pool we bought last year. The memories I have of us 3 swimming together. Such peaceful, quiet times. Who is going to play shark with him? Who is going to throw him up in the air & into the water? Where are you? I need you to come back home. I can't do this by myself. I'm so tired. Of that hollow, empty feeling inside that never leaves me.

Burning eyes

Today has been bad. I have been crying so much today my eyes are starting to burn. I sometimes feel like I am going to go crazy as I am crying and screaming. I know I will not understand why my husband had to die while I am on this earth and I may never know. But it doesn't stop me from screaming & begging God to just tell me why? I miss so much I can't stand it. I am trying to continue on through the grief as I am supposed to do but I feel those panic/anxiety attacks just below the surface. Waiting to burst forth. I am afraid if I get them again it will be worse than it was. What I wouldn't give just to see his face. To have him hug me. Oh how I miss him. 4 months and 2 days into this nightmare. I really don't see any light at this point. I just want him home.

Existing

I was driving home from errands today and thinking. I am no longer living. I am existing and functioning. I never really thought there could be a difference. Until now. Sure I smile, or laugh sometimes, continue to take care of my home, vehicles, finances, etc. But that's all on the outside. It's not inside. I have a new part time job that requires me to interact with the public. I appear nice and friendly. But when I get home and through my door, the tears just flood out. I was pumping gas a week or so ago and I remember standing there thinking how the sun was shining so brightly, the air was spring time warm and I felt nothing. I noticed but didn't feel. The thought came into my mind that a year ago if I would have been doing the exact same thing with the exact same kind of weather conditions I would have felt uplifted, excited for spring and summer. That kind of a morning would have put me in a happy mood. I wonder if I will ever feel like that again?
I did run out of gas today. For the first time ever in my life. I know how far I can go on E but for some reason today the car decided to pull a fast one on me & change. Now Ted was ALWAYS running out of gas. I can't count how many times I would get a call. "Can you bring the gas can to such & such road?" I never understood how he managed this. He made life so exciting & fun! I ran errands today & was going to get gas while I was out but decided it was cheaper at the station near my house so I headed towards home & all of a sudden sputter sputter. Well I think Ted was there watching out for me because it ran out just as I was nearing my street so I turned & made it all the way into my driveway. Where I got out, went into the garage, got one of his many gas cans, put some in the car & then went up to the gas station. I had to smile & tell him thank you. I love you Ted.

In the garage

I went out to the garage to cry. Michael gets sad now if he sees me cry and it bothers him he said. So I went out to the garage. It was his garage. It is all his things in there. I just hate this life I have. I want my old one back. I want him home here with me. It just isn't fair. Will I ever think otherwise? I feel so empty. I try to put on a smile and laugh for my sons, my grandchildren. But that is what it is. Fake. I feel nothing except a huge hole in my insides. I want to hit things. Throw things. I kicked the tire on a car while I was in the garage. I realized he had just that very day he died filled up his can of kerosene. And filled up his heater. They both sit there full. He will never use them. How do I keep going? How? Sometimes I feel like I could go crazy. When I see my little boy upset over his Daddy & frustrated, sometimes he will grab his hair or cheeks. I know just how he feels because I do the same. I just feel like I could cry forever & it would not be enough. We are both in counseling now so hopefully that will help some. In the meantime I just keep reminding myself to breathe.

It's the little things

I know I need to condense all the key rings. His two and my one. But I can't bring myself to do it. It seems like such a small thing. But it's not. It's huge for me. So I continue to carry two huge sets of keys in my purse. His cell phone. It is not needed. I have already recorded his voice mail greeting so it's on my computer. But I like to see it sitting on the desk. Where it usually sat because he always forgot it. His boots still sit at the back door where he left them. His jacket still hangs on the hook he put it on. The little things. Today was a crying hard day. Everyday is a crying day but I don't cry hard everyday like I did several weeks ago. So I cried hard a lot today. I still ask him to come home knowing he can't. He probably would not want to anyway. The pain is so intense sometimes. It feels like a ton of bricks sitting on your chest. Grief is heavy. I miss him so much. What I wouldn't give to just have his arms around me for a few brief minutes. I love you my soul mate Ted.

He died

After five long, intense, round the clock care days, Rocky the turtle died. Last night. I sat on the floor and cried. I watched him take his last breath. Just like I did my husband. I don't understand why this tiny little turtle could not have just lived. Michael got a box he had made for him a long time ago. He made clouds from cotton balls, green grass, a window for him to see out of. He would let him sit in this little box once in awhile just to have a change in scenery. So we are going to bury him in that. As I have been taking care of him I almost started to feel like I did before Ted died. Like I had a purpose. I miss taking care of my husband so much. I miss giving him medicine when he needs it, rubbing his feet, his back, going with him to doctor appointments. He could have done all this by himself. But I loved being with him. Helping him. I think he liked it too. I miss you Ted. 14 weeks ago today at this time, you and I were both here at home. Together. Alive.

Dying turtle and a memory box

Back in the summer Ted bought Michael two baby turtles. Not long after a mean neighbor kid "accidentally" crushed one with his knee. Ted was so mad and he was upset for Michael so he took Rocky to the store & they were able to "replace" his shell.The second turtle died from a dirty tank so Michael has been vigilant about making sure Rocky's tank is clean. Well this last Sunday Michael was playing with him & got distracted & Mabel the dog got him. So he has a puncture wound on the bottom of his shell & I stopped the bleeding & have been trying to nurse him back to health. He is still moving although its slow & his wound started bleeding again today. But I have seen him eat two times. I think he has a 50/50 chance. I just can't give up on him. I think because he is the special turtle that Ted got because he loves his little boy so much.
I ordered a memory box/temporary grave marker for his grave today. When I do things like this I still have a hard time. I can't help but think "Is this real? Did I really just place an order for a memory box for my Husband, Ted's GRAVE? This just has to be a dream". I wonder when I will stop having those thoughts.

What is a Doo-da?

When our first grandson was almost a year old we happened to be watching a movie. Surviving Christmas with Ben Affleck. It was very funny. But when the part came on where he introduces his rented Doo-da to his rented family, I said "That's it Ted! That's what the grandkids can call you! They need a Doo-da! I was already Gammy so Ted needed a name too. And that is what they have all called him all these years later. I miss you Doo-da!