So tired of being so tired

I just don't know how much more I can take. I sat on the floor yesterday crying and screaming and pounding the wall as I hugged his boot to my chest. I was thinking today that I need to remind God I already did this alone, no husband, raising a child thing for about 8 years. I am not supposed to be doing it again. I can't believe how fricking lonely I am! And not for anything physical. I miss being part of him. Of a couple. I miss having him here in the house. I HATE this! I just want it to end. I have absolutely no one I can reach out to. When I do they don't answer the phone or they are busy & will call me back. And besides it's not the same. What do I do? How do I go through this? I have to drag my son to counseling tonight & he hates it & frankly so do I. I just want to go back to the way things were. I don't want to do this again. I feel like I have just took 5 steps backward. I wanted to be married to my husband ever since the day I met him. I know I should feel blessed I got 12 years with him. I just want more.