3 months

3 months today. 3 months ago Ted, Nicholas & I got home from Michael's Christmas concert. I noticed that morning when Ted got up he looked much more tired than usual. As we were walking into the high school before the concert started he was much slower and kept having to stop. I told him to zip his coat. He got much colder from being on the blood thinners and his jacket was open. I kept getting irritated because we were late. Every time he stopped he would say "Just go on" But I said no. He was his usual joking self, teasing me, making some ladies in front of us laugh. Afterwards we saw our old neighbors who Ted still hung out with and helped work on their cars. When Don would call Michael would say "Daddy it's your best buddy". We came home & both of us went on our computers. I waited for Jason to call so I could take him to Sec. of State. I left around noon. I dropped Jason off around 1pm, called Ted & left him a message on his cell letting him know I was running errands. Ted was in the garage but came in the house & sometime while I was gone my Dad came over & visited him, then Jason came in & my Dad said they all three were laughing and talking. I came home around 3:30 and Ted was getting Jason's car off the trailer. Then Jason showed up to help but couldn't stay long because he had to work. I made sure Michael got off the bus & was home. I had to go babysit the grandkids and Ted asked what time I would be home because he and Michael were going to take care of dinner. So I said I would be home by 6pm. Which I was and they came in with Subway. I thought it was odd because I have never seen Ted eat subway. Ever. So we three got our plates and sat down in the livingroom. Michael wanted to watch Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs. But Ted & I wanted to watch something different. I suggested watching the movie Michael borrowed from my mom a while back. The Borrowers. As we ate Ted kept looking at me & askig if my food was good because he didn't know what to put on it. I was so hungry & I told him it was perfect. The phone rang at 7:45pm but we didn't get it in time. Michael got the phone & I saw it was the hospital in Toldeo. I told Ted he better call. So he did & they had no idea who it was that tried reaching him. So he hung up & I said there's a message. After listening to it we found out it was the Cardiac Rythym Specialist. He had read Teds holter monitor results and was very concerned because his heart rate was on average 114 beats per minute. He left his home phone number. So Ted called him. They discussed the results, his medication and the doctor felt it was due to the change in one of his meds by the other cardiologist and told him to not take his ssecond dose that night but to take his old medication. So he hung up and sat down. I got his pills and brought to him. We talked. He told me how scared he is. Even now after being on the pills & seeing doctors. He said he was still scared to lay down at night because of the fluid, scared to lift much of anything. I told him I know and that everything will be ok. I got up and kissed his head. The phone rang again at 8:22 and it was the hospital calling back to tell him who was trying to reach him. I heard Ted making jokes because he had the doctors home phone number and they didn't. Him and Michael went & sat back down. I went & sat at the kitchen table. I was going to refill his pill boxes like I did every Friday night. But they wanted me in there to finish watching the movie. The last thing I remember hearing Ted say was "5, 4, 3, " as he counted down the time until he started the movie again.He only got to 3 because I came in there & sat down. I remember feeling sleepy. I couldn't have been sitting there more than 5 minutes and I thought I heard him snoring. I looked over and he was just staring straight ahead with a blank look in his eyes even though they were open like there was no recognition there, I thought he was gasping. But I think his body was shutting down and it was the air left in his body escaping. I just know I panicked. Started screaming. Yelled for Michael to go get Angie our neighbor. The dogs began barking wildly as I screamed. I couldn't find the phone. Then I found it on the stool next to his chair. I called 911. I told her he was gasping. I asked if I should do CPR. She said no not if he was breathing. I remember she told me I needed to calm down. How do you do that when your husband is dying in front of you. At one point I opened the front door and screamed "Help Me". My neighbor's husband finally got there after what seemed an eternity. I remember trying to get the remote out of his hand and I couldn't move his fingers. My neighbor just kept saying "Hang on Ted. Don't leave us". I believe he took his last breath just as the police officer got in the house and they were getting ready to lay him on the floor. I wish so many times I would have just tried doing chest compressions.For some reason I could not bear to look at him laying there on our floor as they cut his shirt, got the paddles ready. I heard them say everyone clear. I was on the floor in the kitchen doorway screaming, crying, calling my parents. I think he took his last breath around 8:30pm. After they shocked him I looked at the little box and all I saw was a flat line. Somewhere in the very depths of my mind and heart I knew he was gone. The ambulance loaded him. Michael stayed with our neighbors. I rode with my Dad. The preacher and his wife were called earlier by my neighbors son & they followed us. Thank God. We went into "the little room" and we were all 4 praying. The doctor came in & I literally fell to the floor when he said "He was without a heartbeat for 55 minutes. We did all we could". I screamed & screamed. After awhile the preacher said "Sandy, they are waiting for you. Don't you want to see Ted? You can see your husband". Supported by the preachers wife I slowly walked back to the room where he was. He was already starting to get cold. He had a big tongue compressor in his mouth & gauze wrapped around his tongue. But I just rubbed his head like I have done thousands of times.Told him I love him. Told him I was sorry I could not help him. Begged God even then to just give me a miracle & let him live. Eventually his family came in, Jason came, Wendy came, people were crying, wanting to know what happened.
I feel odd today. I have been trying to cry. I cry just a tiny bit & then I just don't feel anything. I almost feel like I did for the first 2 weeks. Numb. I want to feel. I want to cry. I want to face it. I miss him so much. I have been doing a lot of crying & screaming & what the counselor calls "Grief Work" in the last 2 months so maybe my body & brain just need a rest today. What do I do without him? I still don't know 3 months later.