Run Forest Run

That is how I feel tonight. Like a caged animal. Like I could just get up & run & never look back. I want change. I crave change. Yet change scares me. Makes me feel like I am erasing him with the new change. I feel as if my heart will explode from the pain. I want to scream HELP ME! But there is no one to hear me. I want someone, anyone to call me so they can just listen as I cry & ask WHY. But no one does & I am too prideful to reach out. Don't want to be a burden. Don't want to bother people. But people need to know I am not better. I am still in so much turmoil. I feel as if the whole world is crashing down. I just want him home. I HATE my life. Absolutely HATE it! When is it going to get better? When will I feel like I have direction? I am inpatient. I want it now. But I know I must do the work. Feel the pain. I just don't know where to turn, what to think, what to do. I just want my old life back. NOW.

6 months backwards

Why am I going backwards? Why is this grief consuming me? Over a week now & I can't take another day. Crying, looking at his picture, hitting myself because I can't take the pain anymore. His garage makes me ache. His things make me sad yet I can't let them be removed. I just feel so lost. Where are you? I asked him this morning as I was driving to work if he could see what he was doing to me. What he did to me by not taking care of himself. By dying! I can't breathe without him. But somehow I know that I am. It's just not fair. I want to move far away. I want to stay here in our home filled with memories. Am I going crazy? Have I already got there? I cry out to Jesus to help me. This pain must be what God felt as He watched His only son being crucified. Just come home Ted. I changed the doorknob & got a new set of keys and for a moment I was worried because if I changed it he wouldn't be able to open the door. But then I thought "he doesn't have his keys anyway. I have them."

Reality FaceBook

I am going to create a new social media connection site for those of us who might sometimes just want to be real & let people know exactly what we are feeling. No more "My son is so great. He got a promotion!" Instead it will be "My son quit his 4th job in 3 months and I am tired of helping to pay his bills to help support him, his wife & 5 kids " Or instead of "I love sitting on my deck watching my hubby do yard work" it will be " I hate doing yard work while my hubby's body rots & decomposes in a casket in the ground"
16 months later & I feel like it is starting all over again. I hate the warm weather because everyone is outside. I just want to hibernate in my house & never come out. But when you have children you are not allowed that option. When will it get easier? I cry & beg God to just bring him home but it still isn't happening. I want to be happy again. I want to live again. I just don't know how to get past this pain. This horrible pain. Eyes burning, puffy & red today as I have been crying for 2 days. Where are you Ted? I need you here with me. You don't belong in Heaven. You belong right here next to me and our son.

Friday Night Trans

So my main vehicle's trans starts acting up, took it in, had to have it rebuilt, cost much more than I can afford but there was no choice. So I picked it up today and as the guy is explaining what they did to it all I could think of was my wonderful husband and if he were here I would not be standing there. He would have done it himself. Of course I started crying & then told the trans shop guy about my husband, his mechanical abilities & that he passed away 13 months ago. To which he replied "Oh I am so sorry. Your pain is still raw" I was surprised. He was actually the 2nd person this week that had that same mentality. The other comment was that it was still fresh. It's nice to know not everyone thinks you get a year to grieve & then you should "be over it". I miss him. Everything about him was perfect. I wish I would have told him more often.

It's Different

I hate New Years. Every year we ring in the New Year and I just never liked it. Change. It's the change into another year. It was bearable with Ted. He made it ok but I still wasn't fond of it. But this year I really felt nothing. It doesn't matter anymore. 2011. 2012. It is all the same. Empty. He is not here. He wasn't here in 2011. he won't be here in 2012. Who cares anymore? I am dealing with the biggest change in my life and a simple tiny thing like changing into another year is nothing. I miss him so much. I hurt for my little boy when he has his meltdowns. He misses his Daddy more than anyone will ever know. I wish I could take his pain away at least. But I can't. He needs to feel it. In order to heal. Even after 12 months and 23 days it still hurts just as bad and still seems like its not real.

Crazy Train

That is how I feel. So many thoughts running through my head. I want to be a better mom. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want this grief anymore. But it's mine. It belongs only to me. Ted can have it back. If he was here right now I would be letting him have it! That's not really true. I would beg him to hold me. Just hold me. My mind is screaming. Is the pain I feel in my chest as I sit on the floor & pound my fists into anything the same pain he felt as he sat in my chair dying? I can't breathe. I have not one single person in my life that I feel like I can call late at night as my body is curled into a ball and the tears pour out of my eyes. Why? It has been a year. Shouldn't I feel a bit better? I feel madness. I try to go through the day to day routine. I smile. People say how are you? I say I'm getting by. Fake. Its all fake. If I felt like they really wanted to know I would tell them. How can you tell them when its a short brief conversation in passing? Crazy. That's how it goes.I'm going off the rails on the crazy train. I just want to be healed. I pray & beg God to help me. I just want my life back. I feel like a complainer. So many others have it worse than me. So how do I get through this god awful grief? When all I want is to stop feeling. Anything. Except his love. I would give anything to touch his face. Just to touch him. See him smile and look at me the way he used to.

One Year

It is so very hard to believe he has been gone for one whole year. I still feel like he could walk in the door at any moment. His coat & boots are right where he left them. His wallet & change still sit on his dresser. I pull out his clothes once in awhile to smell or just breathe in the faint traces of him. Yesterday was harder than today because it was a Friday. He died on a Friday. So my son & I made cupcakes & took to our local fire department. It was very healing for me because I think I have held a grudge against the paramedics/firemen that came that night. Feeling as if they didn't get there fast enough. I felt a sense of renewing wash over me as I hugged the 2 firemen that were on duty last night. They weren't the same ones but it didn't matter. They said they would make sure those 2 firemen got the card & tell them we came by. They let my son climb in the trucks & ambulance & they let me talk. It was good. I miss him so very much. So tonight we will mark this date with a celebration of his life. I hope many people will be here to remember him with us. I can't help but think of tomorrow also. Now that my year of firsts are over, what next? I see a long tiring road ahead of me. I miss you & love you my husband Ted.

Our Christmas Tree

Our first Christmas together was in 1998. All I did, he says was complain about the pine needles from the real tree. So a few days after I took the tree down, him & I went to Sears and he bought a 7 ft beautiful artificial tree for $35. We have used it every year & it looks a little thinner & the bottom branches have been chewed by our cat. Last year I put our tree up on Thanksgiving night. I had been secretly wanting a new one. One that was pre lit and came in 3 pieces instead of 150. But I put our 11 year old tree up and decided it would be the last time. After Christmas I would get us a new one. Everything was on the tree but it needed to be moved back more so I began scooting the already broken and old plastic flimsy tree stand. Well, the next thing you know, the tree began to fall. I began to yell as I was holding it up. Almost crying I asked Ted what we were going to do. He was tired from Thanksgiving dinner & the drives to all our family members, but he told me to lift the tree up as he took the stand out of the pole & sat the pole in his work boot. He quietly got his coat & shoes on & took the stand out to the garage as our son followed him in his pajamas. While I sat down at the computer trying to find a tree stand or a tree on craigslist on Thanksgiving night. They came in from the garage a while later with the tree stand fixed and he had me lift the tree up while he put it back in the stand. I never looked at it to see how he fixed it. That's how he was though. He could repair just about anything. So I pulled out the tree this year and as I pulled out the stand I cried. I got to look at how he fixed it with a piece of a hanger. I miss him so much. I would give anything to spend even a few minutes with him. I love you Ted.

When it's quiet in the night

The best time to be in his garage is in the night time. When it's dark outside. There are no noises. Just quiet & stillness. I walk around. Looking at the things he collected. Pulling out the drawers of his tool boxes. Touching the tools he once touched and used. I cry of course. But I feel so close to him. I breathe deeply of the scent of him. A scent that always had a trace of oil or gas. I miss him. I pulled out the stupid funeral home bag for something tonight and started looking at the pictures of the flowers people sent. I began to cry. I remember people pushing me to take the flowers home. I wanted nothing to do with them. None of them. Although they were beautiful arrangements. They were like poison to me. Like some kind of leprosy. I still can't grasp sometimes that he is gone. I smell his jacket hanging by the back door. Almost one year later, everything remains the same. Not much has been moved. I feel like he still lives here. And I like that. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. But I know I will see him again.

It's Almost Here

Our anniversary. Or would be 12 year anniversary is right around the corner. The one year mark is right after that. I have not had any dreams of him in awhile. None that I can remember. I am crying so much more. I am barely holding on to my faith. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. Why is he not here and so many other people are? These are the questions that might never be answered. I miss holding his hand. I miss the feeling of his love. I am tired of holding everything together and figuring everything out and being mom and dad. I want him to be here to help me. I want to see him. I want to hear him. Talk. Snore. Laugh. Yell. A year ago today he was in the hospital. Being pumped full of medicine. Trying to get the fluid off. He did not want to be there but he finally knew how serious it was. I remember laying in bed those first couple nights at home alone. Crying and praying. Asking God to heal him because I couldn't live without him. Guess I was wrong. Here it is almost 11 months with him gone and I am still alive physically. I miss him. He was my soul mate. He was the dream I had for so long.

feeling sorry for everything

Its amazing to me my son has 4 adult men in our family and not one of them can step up and make a commitment to him to come spend one day with him every couple weeks. I understand people have lives and things. Important things. But my son lost the most important man in his life and wouldn't it be best for a close family member to come and try to fill a small bit of that void for him. No. Instead I have to contact Big Brothers Big Sisters to try and match him up with a total stranger. I just feel so angry about that. No one asks me to do anything anymore. Found out some relatives are going to a festival. No one even thought to say "Hey, ya wanna come?" Then when I invite people somewhere they all say No. I have plans already. Im tired of being starved for company. Yes. I still get sad, depressed, upset, cry. But that doesnt mean I dont want to go do something once in awhile with someone other than my parents. I feel like people have just forgotten him already. People ask to buy his things. That started a month or so after he died. I don't get people. Was I like that before he died? So insensitive to others feelings? I just want things to go back to the way they were.

Beautiful

Someone at church tonight sang this beautiful song called By Your Side. It made me cry as I remembered how I "fell in the dead of night" just last night. It was My Lord & Saviour that got me through it.
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Who's Voice Is That?

Had a very bad night last night. The kind where I am crying so hard I get scared because I don't even recognize my own voice. The sobs and screams sound like they belong to another person. It started because I want my 3 chickens back. I was told I couldn't have them because a neighbor complained & they are not allowed in my area. I intend to fight it but all I could picture was my poor 3 chickens who have only known our safe, large coop since they were babies. Locked up in a strange, small place. It feels so empty without them. I feel like I have suffered enough loss. The loss of my husband, the loss of friends, the loss of normalcy. Everything is so busy it feels as if there is not enough time. I still have moments of " Where is he? Is he really dead? How can he be dead?" Last night was bad. Hitting the pillow, feeling like I could hurt myself. Trying to be quiet so I don't wake my precious little boy. Needing to talk to someone. An idea did occur to me. There needs to be a thing like Widow Buddies. Where you get matched up with another widow of similar age, etc. except they will be in a totally different time zone. So you can call them at 1am & not worry about waking them up. As I sat crying I had absolutely no one to call. Everyone was sleeping & I can not bring myself to call & wake someone up. Even though I felt as if my heart was going to stop because my chest hurt so darn bad. So that just makes me even more lonely. If only he were here. So I did what I always do. Began to pray. Begging God to please stop my pain. Let me get my 3 chickens back. Give me the wisdom to help my little boy as he grieves. Just please hold me. Amen.

School starting

Boy where does the time go? How did we get here already? Made it through a vacation without him. Probably helped that I had my parents with us. My son & daughter-in-law with us. And my 5 wonderful grand children with us. It was a great time. Ted never cared too much for going away & doing nothing. He felt if he were going to do nothing he would rather do nothing at home. But I was missing him the day we got to the house we were renting for a week. It was evening and as I was moving beds together for the kids, I was feeling my loss. And then as I moved the bed again, there on the floor was a penny. I knew he was with me. I have been finding pennies for several months now. There was a period of time from when we first met until we actually started dating. 6 years actually. I used to pick up pennies & wish on them. He was always my wish. After we started dating I no longer picked up pennies. I find them now. Not all the time. And not in very obvious places. The first one I found was in front of our garage after all the snow melted. I had shoveled the spot many times thru out the winter right down to the cement. And no one was allowed to be near the garage at the time (fellow widows understand this). I keep all the pennies I find & write down where I found them. They bring me comfort. So I felt like he was right there with me on that vacation. So school is right around the corner & my little boy is actually excited to go for the first time ever. It makes me glad to see him excited.

8 months

It didn't even occur to me that it was 8 months today until I was at the bank getting a certified check to pay the balance on the funeral and I wrote the date wrong on the withdraw slip. I wrote Aug. 10, 2010. I stopped & thought for a second "the 10th is significant" Then it hit me. 8 months exactly. Is this progress that I forgot for a moment? I have not had any real lows in about a week. I feel kind of numb sometimes. There is just so much to do and so many decisions to be made lately I don't have time to let myself cry. I worry I am not facing it though. I don't want to wake up next year and realize I have done no real grief work. I still think about him. I still miss him. I still cry everyday but its brief. 8 months ago it was cold outside. I was getting ready to come home from babysitting the grandkids. Him & Michael were waiting for me at home with Subway. The house was decorated for Christmas. Its hard to put myself back to that time I think because it is a whole different season. I don't know. I just know my life and my families life changed in a matter of seconds. Ted I miss you and love you so much.

Big Black Emptiness

I do not understand what is wrong. I am 7 & 1/2 months out & I thought I was supposed to be getting better. Better at the grief. Better at being a mom. Better at everything. Instead I feel like I am falling into a big black hole of emptiness. I cry all the time. I find no joy in anything. My little boy said to me the other day " All you ever say is you don't feel good". I am so terrified of getting stuck in my grief. I don't want to be a family of 2. I want to be a family of 3! I want to be held. I want to be loved by someone that loves me so much they overlook all my faults. I want to be looked at the way he looked at me. I want to see the beauty in the world around me again. I want this all consuming grief to just go away. It hurts day & night. Every second. I look at his picture & I cry. I think about him & cry. I think about what we had & I cry. I want to be a wife. I want to give my love to my husband. I feel so alone. So crappy. I just want things to be the same.

In the darkness of the night

I never know when the hardest grief will hit me. As the other day on my way to work, an ambulance raced passed me. Then a van passed me, trying to keep up with the ambulance. I immediately said a prayer. Then images of a snowy night in December filled my mind. In my dad's truck. Trying to keep up with the ambulance that had my husbands lifeless body inside. I assume they were still doing cpr. I began crying there on my way to work. Thankfully I was given a message right away by our song coming on the radio that helped me calm down. Then there are other times like last night. As the outside world is dark and quiet. Most are sleeping. I sit on the floor in my living room rocking back and forth. Trying to scream quietly so I don't wake my son. Asking the same question, "Why?" Begging for the same thing "Let him come home".
I got scared last night thinking I might have a heart attack. Pain gripped my chest and all I could think was "This is what dying of a broken heart would feel like". I am so sad and so empty. I have a wonderful family, with grand children here all the time. I have a delightful son. But that emptiness remains. And continues to hurt.

Is This Real?

I am blessed enough to have a job in a rural town. So when I need to go to the post office I lock the door & walk down the street to get the company mail. As I was walking down there today I had the old suffocating feeling start coming in. And my mind began to try and comprehend the thought "How am I able to be walking down this sidewalk and he is gone. Not here. He is not at the store. He is not at work. He is not even in another state or country. He isn't here. Completely gone." This has happened to me many many other times and I think my brain only allows me to try and comprehend it for a while and then it moves on because I just still can't grasp this fact. I know he is gone but to really think about it is so very hard. Over 7 months later and I still have a hard time believing it is real. Will this ever sink in?

What would he do without her?

A year ago my husband came home with a little 8 week old female chocolate lab. I was angry because we already had a 5 year old male boxer and I did not feel like messing with training a puppy. He told me he heard me tell my grandma I was jealous of a cousin who had a female yellow lab because I always wanted one. He said his wife should never have to be jealous and all he could find was a chocolate. Well the pet store would not take her back so I had no choice but to keep her. I clearly see depression in my boxer's eyes now that my husband is gone. When the garage door is opened he runs outside everytime looking at the road. Then he goes and lays down in the garage. He spent a lot of time in there with my husband. I believe he still waits for him to come home. I was watching him play with our lab tonight and I think he would be lost without her. His depression would probably be worse than it is. So once again I am assured that God knows what He is doing. He knew I would not have the mental ability to give my boxer the attention he needed so a little playmate came into the picture. At the time I saw it as a hinderance. Today I am very protective of my little girl Mabel.

What's an extra $9?

I had to go buy a battery for my vehicle today. I had someone help me find the right one and when I went to pay for it they wanted an extra $9 for the core charge. I asked them why they would need that when I was paying $95 for a new battery. They said I could bring my old battery in anytime and get refunded. So of course I started crying. He took care of crap like this. I haven't had to worry about car stuff in 13 years! I refused of course and went home with no battery and decided I will worry about it another day. When I can focus. Which might be never.