It's Different

I hate New Years. Every year we ring in the New Year and I just never liked it. Change. It's the change into another year. It was bearable with Ted. He made it ok but I still wasn't fond of it. But this year I really felt nothing. It doesn't matter anymore. 2011. 2012. It is all the same. Empty. He is not here. He wasn't here in 2011. he won't be here in 2012. Who cares anymore? I am dealing with the biggest change in my life and a simple tiny thing like changing into another year is nothing. I miss him so much. I hurt for my little boy when he has his meltdowns. He misses his Daddy more than anyone will ever know. I wish I could take his pain away at least. But I can't. He needs to feel it. In order to heal. Even after 12 months and 23 days it still hurts just as bad and still seems like its not real.