Crazy Train

That is how I feel. So many thoughts running through my head. I want to be a better mom. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want this grief anymore. But it's mine. It belongs only to me. Ted can have it back. If he was here right now I would be letting him have it! That's not really true. I would beg him to hold me. Just hold me. My mind is screaming. Is the pain I feel in my chest as I sit on the floor & pound my fists into anything the same pain he felt as he sat in my chair dying? I can't breathe. I have not one single person in my life that I feel like I can call late at night as my body is curled into a ball and the tears pour out of my eyes. Why? It has been a year. Shouldn't I feel a bit better? I feel madness. I try to go through the day to day routine. I smile. People say how are you? I say I'm getting by. Fake. Its all fake. If I felt like they really wanted to know I would tell them. How can you tell them when its a short brief conversation in passing? Crazy. That's how it goes.I'm going off the rails on the crazy train. I just want to be healed. I pray & beg God to help me. I just want my life back. I feel like a complainer. So many others have it worse than me. So how do I get through this god awful grief? When all I want is to stop feeling. Anything. Except his love. I would give anything to touch his face. Just to touch him. See him smile and look at me the way he used to.