6 months backwards

Why am I going backwards? Why is this grief consuming me? Over a week now & I can't take another day. Crying, looking at his picture, hitting myself because I can't take the pain anymore. His garage makes me ache. His things make me sad yet I can't let them be removed. I just feel so lost. Where are you? I asked him this morning as I was driving to work if he could see what he was doing to me. What he did to me by not taking care of himself. By dying! I can't breathe without him. But somehow I know that I am. It's just not fair. I want to move far away. I want to stay here in our home filled with memories. Am I going crazy? Have I already got there? I cry out to Jesus to help me. This pain must be what God felt as He watched His only son being crucified. Just come home Ted. I changed the doorknob & got a new set of keys and for a moment I was worried because if I changed it he wouldn't be able to open the door. But then I thought "he doesn't have his keys anyway. I have them."