It's Almost Here

Our anniversary. Or would be 12 year anniversary is right around the corner. The one year mark is right after that. I have not had any dreams of him in awhile. None that I can remember. I am crying so much more. I am barely holding on to my faith. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. Why is he not here and so many other people are? These are the questions that might never be answered. I miss holding his hand. I miss the feeling of his love. I am tired of holding everything together and figuring everything out and being mom and dad. I want him to be here to help me. I want to see him. I want to hear him. Talk. Snore. Laugh. Yell. A year ago today he was in the hospital. Being pumped full of medicine. Trying to get the fluid off. He did not want to be there but he finally knew how serious it was. I remember laying in bed those first couple nights at home alone. Crying and praying. Asking God to heal him because I couldn't live without him. Guess I was wrong. Here it is almost 11 months with him gone and I am still alive physically. I miss him. He was my soul mate. He was the dream I had for so long.