Quiet

It seems so much more quiet. No noise from the tv or a zombie computer game, or car engines revving in the garage or laughter as Michael & his Dad play wrestle. Too quiet. I long for the phone to ring but when it finally does I do not want to talk. It is not the person I wish it were. So many things to do still & no motivation to do it. I wish this stupid snow would melt. I long for spring. Then I wonder how will I face all the things of spring without him. I still feel lost. I want to go back in time. If only. I have the task of ordering his headstone very soon. So it can be placed soon. Everytime I go there & see his name in black letters on the small sign from the funeral home it just doesn't seem real. I always loved his name. He told me once a long time ago he didn't like his name. Because it didn't do anything. It just sat there. I miss him so much.

Too Sad??????

How can I get too sad if I watch home movies & look at pictures of my deceased husband? I don't even understand what too sad means. I am already WAYYYYYYYYY past "too sad". I am too sad every time I go to the grocery store & see the foods I used to buy him. I am too sad when I go to a department store & see clothes I would have bought him. I am too sad when I drive on the same road we drove on together. Which by the way is every road. I am too sad when I am in our home. I am too sad when I am away from our home. I am too sad when I drive his vehicle. I am too sad when I look at his vehicle. Tell me please what I CAN DO that I WON'T be TOO SAD???? 11 weeks ago at exactly this time he was on the floor in our livingroom as paramedics were trying to revive him. He was already gone. I was screaming, crying, praying, begging God to please not take my husband away. Oh I miss you Ted & I am more than too sad without you.

Do I care about your happiness?

I know it sounds awful & I actually feel bad but I really don't care to hear about your good fortune. Whether it's a winnings from a casino, an unexpected trip from your husband or a new fricking love in your life! Why do people think I want to hear about it? My husband is DEAD! I deal with crap every day regarding his death. Today I had to spend time on the phone with paypal to get his account closed & his funds in his account sent to me. It is just one more reminder that he is gone. I do not have good fortunes right now. I do not want to hear about yours. Sorry if this makes me rude & insensitive. But I think I have a right to feel this way. I miss him so much.

Melted snow

The yard is almost completely empty of snow. The grass is visible & there are huge puddles everywhere. I walk around looking for something. Maybe something he dropped in the yard back in October or November. Just something. Went to the library yesterday. I started crying thinking of all the times I took Michael to story time & Ted was always there at home when we got back. He wasn't home when we got back yesterday. It makes me so sad. I just wish he was here physically. Everyday I wish this. I miss my husband.

13th anniversary

It was 13 years ago today when I heard a knock on my door. I had no idea that knock would be the start of a wonderful life with my soul mate. It just was supposed to last longer. I was going to wash his glass today. I carried it in the kitchen & made it to the dishwasher but just couldn't bring myself to put it in there. So I wrapped it up and put it away in a drawer. I feel like it was a huge step for me. I still wish he was here to drink from that glass and it still hurts every second of the day. But his glass is gone.

Where/Who am I?

I just can't take much more. The screaming and crying are beginning to make my throat burn. I wasn't able to go to the cemetary today as I do everyday M-F. The stupid door latch on the car wouldn't work so I had to drive all the way home from the school holding the door closed. I tried fixing it like I did before but it would not work. I came in the house & fell on the floor screaming. Using cuss words I have not used or said in 10 years. I just hate who I am. I hate where I am. Where exactly am I? I don't know where to turn. Who to call. So many things. I am neglecting everything. I moved the kitchen table around thinking it might help if it was different. All it did was let a rush of memories come flooding in of all the dinners we had all 3 together when the table was like that. We were predictable. We all had our own place we sat at. Predictable was good. I knew what he wanted before he even said anything. I knew when he called me by a certain name what kind of mood he was in. I miss him so bad. I just keep repeating the same thing over & over. I WANT HIM TO COME HOME!

I am lost

I just feel so lost. Like the world is so huge. I still see people going about their lives like all is well and I just wish mine was the way it used to be. I find myself wishing I could go back to Feb. 13, 1998 when he knocked on my door. Or even Dec. 10, 2010. I would have tried something. Anything. I saw a man today that looked so much like him. I wanted so very badly to just go up to him and ask him to give me a hug. I miss my husband so much. I just can't believe sometimes this is happening. I truly did know I was going to marry him the first time I met him. I know there are a lot of people who don't believe in that stuff. But I knew it. It was a gut feeling I had. It was in May 1991. I needed tires for my car. He worked at a junkyard & helped me find tires. He was so handsome. I just knew he was the one for me. I feel so tired all the time. And my body feels heavy. As if I have weights on. Why? Why? Why? I need him.

Evaporated

His glass still sits on his nightstand after 6 weeks and 4 days. Except it was half full when he died and the water has evaporated. It's gone. Like him. It hit me this morning as I sat & waited for my little boy to get ready for school, Ted is never going to walk through the door ever again. I will never see him walk across the yard. Never see him build a fire out back. Never sit and watch a movie with him. never rub his feet. Never hug him. I know I will see him again but it hurts so bad to know I don't know when that will be. I wanted him so bad and finally after 7 years I got him. Now to only have had him for 12 years & 9 months & 27 days it just doesn't seem fair. I just still want him home. I miss you so much.

4 weeks or 1 month

It has been 4 weeks today since he passed away. Why is it when I say 4 weeks it sounds like a short time. But if I say 1 month it sounds longer. They are both the same amount of time. Everyday is still a struggle but there is so many things to occupy my mind. Insurance, cars need to be fixed, mortgages, dogs need to be fed, fixed, flead, child needs to practice multiplication, book reports due, etc, etc, etc,. So I guess the to do lists help me to focus somewhat. Ted told me once that he had come over before & I wasn't home & I used to keep my trash cans on my enclosed porch. They didn't have lids & he noticed crumpled up paper on top so he looked at some of the papers. He thought maybe I had lost my mind because there were several lists that had things like: get groceries, go to bank, return movies, pick up cat food, etc. He was never a To Do List person. Me, the times I don't have a to do list, I feel unraveled & unorganized. I miss you Ted.

How do I keep going?

I know I have to but I just don't know that I can. I think I am on autopilot. I do because I have to. I can't stand the fact that I can't touch you everyday. Or smell you. Or feel you. Or hear you. It just isn't fair. I just keep asking God to just bring you home. Why? I was supposed to be married to you forever, not just 11 years. I was supposed to be taking care of you right now. I miss you so much. I screamed & hit a pillow on the floor today.My hear just hurts so bad. I just want you home. I love you Ted Hightower

Forever Mrs. Ted Hightower

My husband of 11 years passed away on December 10. I don't know who I am. I have not looked at myself since then and I think I know why now. I will only see half of me. Part of me will be missing. The grief counselor asked me what the most difficult thing was and I said having the feeling that it was a dream. But as I pulled in the driveway later that day I realized the most difficult thing is coming home and knowing he will not be there or he won't be in his garage. I am 42 and he was just 44 years old. Our precious 8 year old son has helped me more than he will ever know. I just miss you so much Ted and I just want you home with me.

Johnny Appleseed and 2nd grade

I am off this morning to my sons 2nd grade class to take part in Citizenship Day & we will be making applesauce in honor of Johnny Appleseeds birthday! Then I am off to shop to find some comfy shoes for my new job I start Monday.More on that later.

Just Like The Good Ole Days

I was driving to the store & passed by a house that had a ton of cars in the drive. I figured it was a graduation party or something so as I drove past I was surprised to see about 15 guys up on the roof of the house & tables set up in the backyard with tablecloths & food & some people were sitting & there were kids running around. How nice it must be to have that many friends & family to come help you shingle your roof. That is how it used to be. About 2 hours later I drove by again & they were all still there working hard. It made me feel kind of sad that you don't see more of that. Families and friends coming together to help out. We are all so busy with what is going on in our own world. We forget sometimes that our small world is and can be much bigger and richer.

Big purse/Little purse

It has been a very long time since my last post & since then someone stole my idea about a Potty training business. I saw her on the Drs. show. But I am very happy to say I no longer need to worry about that as my little potty guy is quite a bit older now. My gas bill is still rising & I bet when I wrote that post we were keeping the temp at 69. Now it's set on 66. But it is July and I have a few more months till I need to stress about that. And no one still wants to buy my crafts or quilts. Some things never change.
Well it has been 21 days since I gave up my big purse and switched to a little, lighter purse. I have been adjusting quite well and my back doesn't seem to hurt as bad as when I was lugging around that 5 pound purse. I have also noticed even though I haven't dropped a pound (I probably have gained several) I FEEL smaller carrying a little purse. I did try cramming a water bottle and a DVD in it and for a brief moment had sweet memories of cramming 3 water bottles, 2 DVD's and a large paperback in my big purse. But they faded as I stepped out of the car swinging my little purse on my dainty (remember I said I FEEl smaller) wrist. Check back in another month and see if I'm still swing'in the small purse!

Potty Training & Quilts

I think someone should become a Professional Potty Trainer. The business could be set up in a house and the parents drop off their kid when they get up in the morning and pick them up when it's bedtime. And in about 2 - 4 weeks your kid is completely potty trained. And on another note, why doesn't anyone want to buy my crafts? The quilts are nice and priced right, so is everything else. Maybe if I pass out flyers.

Brrrrrrrr.....

I received our gas bill the other day. Immediately upon seeing the amount due, I " dialed down" the thermostat! So now we are really cold! Who can afford this I'd like to know?
New subject- I almost cried watching SuperNanny the other night. I knew the pain that mom felt. Desperately trying to get your child to sleep, feeling horrible because you wanted to shake them! Feeling like a monster as you sit and listen to them cry, hoping this crazy plan will work, then panicking when you start thinking it won't work. What I want to see is SuperNanny deal with a kid who refuses to sit on the naughty stool/mat. My first child would have had to be strapped and tied to the naughty stool. He would have tried to hide the mat. Now that would make for an interesting show.