Coaster Ride called Grief

Who knew a little piece of plastic would one day make me feel happy & sad at the same time. I finally applied & bought a health plan for myself. It was such a relief to finally get it and know if I get sick I am covered. When he was alive it didn't seem to matter much. But now that my child only has one of us left to depend on it seems very important. The card looks identical to the cards we had from his employer health plan. Then it hits me. The name on the card is mine. Not his. Like it always was before. He will never be on this plan with me. He isn't here anymore.
I hate weekends now. All around me neighbors are having parties. Families together. I still don't know why he had to die. Why such a good man. Such a good husband. Such a good father. I know I will not understand it in this lifetime. I feel so alone. But I know I am not. My Lord Jesus always picks me up after I get it all out. He dries my tears. He tells me I can go one more step. And I do.