29 months

Anxiety with me all day long. Heart racing. It was a Friday 29 months ago. By this time he was already gone. Laying on a table in the hospital, body cold, as I rubbed & kissed his face & still kept hoping for a miracle. I look back and wish I had done more. More holding his hand, cooking his favorite meal, rubbing his feet, telling him I loved him, praying with him. But for each of the regrets there are twice as many things I am grateful for. His love, his trust, his devotion to us, the financial stability he provided, his humor, his intelligence, his desire to take care of his family. A lady at church recently lost her husband. They were married over 60 years. She said to me God has given her peace about his death. For the first time since he died I realized I think I have some of that peace. I still cry, I still miss him, but I know he's not scared anymore. He's not in pain anymore. And that gives me peace. God has helped me travel this long road and I have discovered many things about myself along the way. I am strong, I have more faith than I ever thought I had, I am smarter than I gave myself credit for. I think Ted would be proud of me. That I didn't give up. That I kept getting up and doing what needed to be done. 29 months. A long time yet just yesterday in memory.