2 & 1/2 years

Today. Exactly two and a half years since you died. I was sad most of the day and cried a few times. Especially when me and our son went and put your Dad sign on your grave for Father's Day. He didn't deserve for you to die. He needs you. He will be promoted from 5th grade tomorrow. Another milestone that I will have to witness alone. Without you. Things are different yet the same. We live in a different home, I finally put your boots, jacket, toothbrush away. Yet I still feel you. I feel your laughter when I do something silly. I feel your smile when I accomplish a tough task. I feel your love when I'm lonely. It's still so very hard. I wish you would have told me who to call to fix things. Set me up with a handy man. Someone you trusted. I'm trying to go on living. Some days I feel like you are only in Canada on field service and will be home any day. That's how much we have kept your spirit alive with us. Then there are other days it seems we were never married or that life was long, long ago. The grand kids still talk about you. Especially your namesake. Your big son still goes to your grave and doesn't want me to date or remarry if you can believe that. I'm going to step out of my comfort zone and actually go out this weekend. With people who aren't my family. Strangers that I've known since you died. I'm afraid. But I know I need to. I think it will be good for me. I know they will get it. Get me. I think you would be proud of me and how I have kept going despite the grief, the problems, the anxiety, the loneliness. I just keep doing what needs to be done. For our son. For me. I look at pictures of me pre widowhood and notice my eyes. How they sparkle, seem to be filled with life. The pictures of me post widowhood are different. My eyes are dull, lifeless. I want to change that. I want them to sparkle again. I think you would want that too. I think of how you used to look at me. I would catch you just staring at me. With so much love. So many people never get to experience what we had. I am so grateful I had the years I had with you. I miss you so much. I love you.