A stranger

I am so needing to feel close to Ted tonight. Missing him, thinking of him. Came across some pictures I took of our home not long after he died. Each room just the way it was when he was alive. There was the living room. The couch he sat on as we ate that night. The front door the paramedics came through. The floor they laid him on where they cut his shirt off. My chair I was sitting in that night. The chair he was sitting in when he died. It is like looking at a strangers house tonight. I feel emotionless when I look at it. I guess I should be glad. I look at the one of him laying in the casket. His orange, grease stained shirt he wore so much. His face I caressed a thousand times. His strong arms. His ears... Same thing. Emotionless. I need him. It is lonely tonight. Too quiet. Health issues are weighing me down. I want him here to be my shoulder to lean on. To tell me it will be alright. To tell me I am making the right decision. Many friends yet I never seem to have one at the moment I need one. Just to listen. Everyone is asleep as I should be. What do you do when your mind just won't shut off? Write. I think of when we first met. He asked me if I had any potentials. I said What? He said potential boyfriends. He was funny. He drove a big blue Ford van named Big Blue. His hair was long and always uncombed. He reminded me of Hulk Hogan. He had the most beautiful smile and laugh. I am such a better person just from knowing him and having him in my life. I think he died knowing he was loved unconditionally, faithfully, eternally by me. What more could anyone ask for?