3 years

Still hard to wrap my brain around the fact that he is gone sometimes. 3 years. So long yet so short. Someone commented to me the other day on how they admired my faithful love for Ted. Just because he died doesnt mean my love dies too. I have this crazy urge to contact the subway restaurant where he bought our dinner the night he died and see if they have any video of him from their cameras. I just want to see him. It would have been the last few hours of his life. And so today, as I do every year, I begin the "At this time 3 years ago game". Not that I want to play but your mind just goes there as the hours of the day go by. I hope he knew how loved he was. I think he did. How sad for people who go through life never knowing what it feels like to be loved. I can close my eyes and feel how much he loved me. Still loves me. 3 years later.

Almost Here

It's almost here. The 3 year mark. Hard to believe. I feel myself hibernating my mind. Like I am preparing for it. I do not know yet what I will do. Release some baloons. Maybe go eat at our favorite place. With family? Maybe not. I do know it needs to be planned. I have learned early on the worst thing is to think you will be ok and the day won't bother you. So wrong. I just feel as if I do not know where to turn. I don't have a direction. I need a direction in my life. I need my lists. I need my things to do. I need structure. There is no structure. Hasn't been any since October 9. I think not having any structure and order is making the coming weeks worse. I pulled out my pen from my wallett today. Something I do all the time. But today when I did it, I clearly heard my Ted's voice saying "That's a nice looking pen you have there. Wonder where you got it from?" And I smiled. He had said this to me many, many times. We had been walking in the mall when we were dating. He stepped on it and picked it up. A very nice Cross pen. Of course I said I liked it and took it to look at and it became mine. Funny how things just come to you like that. I miss him. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I'm glad I could smile when I thought of him today instead of cry. Then I saw my old boss at the store today. Or someone that loked like him. I stared for several minutes. Very close resemblance. I hope he is doing well. Taking care of himself. Saw an ad for a coffee maker like the one he bought. He tried to make sure I was happy. It was nice while it lasted anyway. Someone said to me it had to happen. I suppose it did. I just wish it hadn't happened when it did. It would have been nice if it had happened in a couple more years. Like someone else says though, you can't unring a bell. Just keep swimming is all I can do.

14 years

Today marks what would have been our 14 year anniversary. I wish he were here. He was such a wonderful husband. Oh sure he had things he did and said I didn't like. But I knew he would do anything he needed to do in order to take care of me and our family. He loved me unconditionally. Even when I made him mad, he still loved me. I loved how he would look at me. I would catch him just looking at me and say "what are you looking at?" and he would say "you are so pretty & I love you so much". Even after 11 years of marriage he was still doing this. He did it the night he died. I miss him. I love him so much. I was so blessed to have had him for as long as I did.

Grief Waves

I have not been functioning well lately. Second guessing my decision to start this office. I am making simple mistakes I haven't made since I started in this business. Wondering if this is where God wants me. I just keep praying. Friday was pretty bad. I had an overwhelming desire to email him, text him, call him. But I am certain he is much better off not hearing from me. I have been contemplating not working at all. Adjusting the budget, tightening the belt and just not worrying about it until the end. Like Scarlett, saying "I'll worry about that tomorrow". Then I was alone Saturday. Woke up, had some coffee, got dressed. Then wandered through the quiet house. And as I wandered, thoughts and memories surrounded my mind. Then the wave hit. Has been a long, long while since I have grieved that hard. I got his coat out of the drawer and just hugged it to my chest. Looked at pictures of him. Oh how I miss him. This is the season of his sickness and his death. Was just looking at a sales paper full of Christmas things. And I thought to myself "It's here again". It is hard not to go back in time and relive these days. But I realized as I was grieving if I did not have the little office to go to, the clients to worry over, the policies to work on, that is exactly what I would do. Grieve everyday. Oh sure. There are lots of things to be done around the house but chances are, if I stayed home, most of my days would be spent sitting, crying, trying to live in the past. That is why I have loved this job so much. For what it is has given me. I wish he knew that. So I will keep going. Try to get my thoughts straight. Try to stop second guessing myself. And just try to keep my head above the waves.

Smiles

Tomorrow will be my first official day in my new office. My dancing flower & I are ready. I am so excited. Tired but excited. I just want to build up a new client base and start helping people. Had an older man tell me today "Don't stop smiling. You are making people feel better when you smile" and he is right. The best thing you can do when you feel down is to smile. Most of the time you will get a smile in return. I am still being run ragged. So much that my legs ache & I just want to sleep. But I keep going. In 5 years all the aggravation and aches will be worth it. God is good even in the trials. I can do nothing without Him. And I will try my best to keep smiling.

Prayers

Her little hands were folded. Her eyes squeezed shut. She said " God, please help my Gammy get her job back ". The things the children pick up on. Just trying to stay focused. Not panic. Not let the anxiety creep in. I will be OK. I am a survivor. Have a very long drive tomorrow. I am not looking forward to the rapid depletion of my money into the gas tank but I am going to try and enjoy the day with my son and grand daughter. The colors have changed back to dull over the last week, after being bright for the first time in years. But I am hoping I will see a glimpse of brightness. Hoping and praying.

Something Different

Different is how the old time wids described their lives to me when I was newly widowed. I hated different then. Couldn't stand it. But now, 2 & 1/2 years later my feelings have changed. Different is good. Different forces you to get out of your comfort zone. Different helps you to see there are other things, people out there besides that which you surround yourself with. I gravitate towards different now. I have a different home. I work in a different job than I've ever had. I dress differently than I used to. My hair is now different. I notice men that are different from the kind of man Ted was. Which I think is good for me. I don't want to be with someone who will remind me of him. I met Ted a long time ago and shortly after I met him, I met another guy who became my friend. But this guy reminded me so much of Ted it was scary. Even down to the way he looked. I think that is why when Ted & I broke up I began dating my friend. I do not want to be laying in bed with someone only to look at their face and see my wonderful, loving husband. And have the grief hit me and knock me down. I do not know how to do this thing called dating. I am finding I am no good at it. I am too self conscious about the way I look, the way I dress, the things I say, to begin to be comfortable. How is this done? How do you get to that place where conversations flow, you have things in common, you can eat messy pizza in front of him, he thinks you look good dressed up or down, you make each other laugh, you want to be there for each other. I am nowhere near ready for marriage. I am perfectly content just seeing who is out there, having a nice time. But it would be nice to have a connection. On an emotional level. I suppose if it is meant to be it will happen. Like Ted. In the meantime I will just ride the grief waves as they come and try to enjoy this different life of mine.